Figuring me Out Slowly

2008-01-13T19:35:00.000-05:00

Compassion To the one who hurt usdo we hurt backor do we show mercy
To the one who lied to usdo we lie backor do we lead with honor
To the one who cheated usdo we cheat backor do we forgive
To the one who hates usdo we hate backor do we live only with love
To the one who stole from usdo we steal backor do we give clemency
To the one who is jealous of usdo we bathe in itor do we uplift them
To the one who makes a mistakedo we judge themor do we remember our own mistakes
To the one who is weakdo we walk byor do we help them
To the one who cannot lovedo we pity themor do we show compassion
To live in a wonderful world do we remember we must first master ourselves

Playing with three suits... no hearts...

2007-10-08T01:25:00.000-04:00

she is the queen of sorrow
plays these jokers easily
doubles up on aces every other hand
but still cant draw a king
tries to not show what she's holding
throws her hands up in frustration
yelling she's busted
yet she is still playing the game
she is a full house
holding on to each suit
loves the clubs
calls a spade a spade
got plenty of diamonds
but a pair of hearts is what she wants
what she needs to win
but she says she's a full house
a house full of the other suits
she wont bow out
still plays on, with the three in tow
she wont let hand pass with no one in her hands
needs to hold on to something
until she loses herself
King of peace walks up to the table, chips in hand
waiting for an invitation to the table
hand after hand he stands and waits
she finally allows him in
and calls a high bet
and he matches it, and raises
she calls, hoping she is calling his bluff
he places 1 king, 1 queen, 2 hearts on the table
and walks away
she did't recognize him when he came
and she is still sitting at the table
hoping the king will bet on her again

2007-10-05T12:43:00.000-04:00

THE TOP 50 BLACK AMERICANS WHO HAVE EMBARRASSED THE UNITED STATES!
1. Flavor Flav and all the women that have ever appeared on the Flavorof Love (especially New York) - no explanation needed
2. Clarence Thomas - for having the audacity to desecrate the seat thatwas held by the late great Thurgood Marshall
3. Condoleeza Rice - self explanatory (but the fact that she wasshopping for Ferragamo's when people were dying due to HurricaneKatrinawas enough by itself to get her placed on the list.
4. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown - too many reasons to count
5. Halle Berry in Monster's Ball - Billy Bob Thornton (need I say more)
6. DC snipers - Black people are not serial killers
7. Marion Berry - too embarrassing for words
8. Kobe Bryant - for snitching on Shaq (it's one thing to be a rapist,but to be a snitch on top of that is just taking it too far)
9. Rae Carruth - for having the audacity to hide his black ass in the trunk of a car in Nashville after having his baby mother killed
10. Terrell Owens - speechless
11. Mike Tyson - biting Evander's ear was enough to get him on the list
12. OJ Simpson - the Bronco ride by itself was enough to make the list
13. R. Kelly - pissing on little girls and having the audacity torecordit
14. Puffy - cooning and shining and denying he's gay(DANG!) (and we not even going to mention the fact that he keeps stringing Kim Porter along,but his butt was crying over J.Lo)
15. The sister that cut the baby out of the pregnant woman and killed her other children by placing them in the washing machine and dryer
16. The entire Jackson family - Jermaine please let those fingerwavesgo .Let's just take a moment of silence for Michael.
17. Armstrong Williams - for being on the GOP's payroll to praise No Child Left Behind when all it is doing is leaving children behind
18. Rodney King - "Can't we all just get along? "
19. 50 Cent - thinking he has enough clout to hate on Oprah. And forjust being a punk and crying when someone talks to someone he doesn'tlike.
20. Wendy Williams - for always looking a Hot Ass Mess, and having thenerve to talk about other people
21. Dennis Rodman - too many reasons
22. Ice-T - for marrying a plastic Malibu Barbie named CoCo and swearing his old ass is a pimp
23. Diana Ross - for getting a DUI
24. The entire cast of Soul Plane - self explanatory
25. James Brown - beating his wife and that infamous mug shot
26. Jesse Jackson - for the love child
27. Bishop Don "Magic " Juan - for portraying every stereotype thatwhite people believe to be true about black people
28. Snoop Dog - for having those sisters on leashes at the MTV MusicAwards and introducing the world to Bishop Don "Magic " Juan (and let'snot even mention Girls Gone Wild)
29. Bob Johnson - for selling BET to the Man
30. The entire BET station and staff members - for giving us Un-Cut andfor taking away BET news
31. Cuba Gooding Jr. - cooning and shining at the Oscars
32. Nelly - for the Tip Drill video
33. The Ms. Peachez videos - cooning and shining at its finest (http://www.youtube. com/watch? v=rGrqW3nx5HM or http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=GautSlgAsN0)
34. Terry McMillan - for going on the Oprah Show acting like she didn'tknow her husband was gay before she married him and then being in thehot tub with him after she talked about him so bad
35. Al Sharpton -for rocking a perm in the '06 and having the audacity to run for President while looking like a pimp
36. Black people that say that Biggie and Pac were assassinated. Martinand Malcolm were assassinated those two brothers were shot. (Chris Rock from Bigger and Blacker)
37. Tina Knowles - for giving us House of Dereon
38. Lil Kim - for being the black Pamela Anderson
39. Karrine "Superhead " Steffans - for being the Black Monica Lewinsky
40. Omarosa - she gave intelligent Black sisters a bad name
42. All the Black wannabe models on America 's Next Top Model that comeon the show with a straight up attitude
43. Coral from the Real World/ Road Rules challenge always having tocome on the shows portraying the angry Black woman
44. Vivica A. Fox for dating 50 Cent and then wearing the daisy dukesduring Lil Jon's performance
45. Ron Isley for tax evasion and stealing from his decease brother'sestate
46. Wesley Snipes - for To Wong Fu and then denying that he was the onethat made Halle Berry deaf in her left ear
47. Wayne Brady for acting like a bafoon in front of white folks onWho's line is it.
48. Johnny Gill for perpetrating he's a Mac Daddy when all along he'sflaming.
49. Jermaine Dupree for getting upset and quitting the record companyafter Janet Jackson's sorry album flopped (bigsurprise)
50. Fantasia for telling the WHOLE world she can't read. There's some stuff you need to keep to yourself.

Mychal Bell... release this brother please....

2007-09-21T16:23:00.001-04:00

Bail denied for only Jena beating suspect in jail
Ruling comes day after civil rights demonstration in La. town...

His charges have been over turned... and yet he still sits in a jail cell... because the DA and Judge are figuring out if they want to chrgae him with something else or release him... they have seven days more to do so... if he remains in jail any longer than that... God have mercy on Jena, LA

2007-09-20T12:51:00.001-04:00

To all the Celebrities (of all races):

Where the hell are you? The march in Jena, LA is going on right now. I am at my desk watching the coverage and have yet to see one celebrity stand up and say anything. It’s not like you couldn’t there. You guys rent jets, own jets and have the means to charter you and your friends there, but I guess San Tropez is/was a better trip.

I understand how involving yourself in a cause like this may damage your career because you will be seen as a separatist of some sort. But, standing for this means you stand for something, and I would rather stand behind you and your projects because you stood up. But I am only one person and I guess my support isn’t enough.

I understand you have prior engagements to attend to. But one day you will be so engaged you will miss the revolution happening in your back yard. I would think being a part of change made more sense than landing a deal with the movie director of the next unoriginal romantic comedy

I know that you all have spent years amassing your fortunes. But if you were generous with your earnings, or rather being good stewards of your fortunes you would know that if you donated a minimum of 10% of your earnings among the various causes people are seeking funding for, there would be more than 5 billion dollars to spread around. And that’s just counting the Hip-hop community. Imagine if every actor, singer, producer, performer did this. We would have had a cure for AIDS years ago, for instance. I’m not saying you don’t donate, but donating to causes outside of Amerikkka, leaves the cause here in a shambles. We donated for Katrina and they are still living in trailers two years later. We could helped those people a year ago. But I guess a 10 million dollar 6 bedroom home, 15 custom cars, a summer house in the Hamptons (where I hear the white parties are dope), an apartment in the city, are all needed. With all the space you own you could have put some of the Katrina victims up for a while until they got themselves together. But those houses/apartments are worth more to you empty than helping someone sleep in a safe environment.

I understand why you say you don’t want to be a role model. When my daughter is old enough to understand I will let her know you said that. That you refuse to stand up, you refuse to help, you refuse to do anything worth anything. You will, however, lend your name and support to anyone paying you to do so.

Isn’t it ironic? How you “prayed” and wished for all you have, and yet walk away from causes saying you don’t have anything to give to the people of your own home towns, your neighborhoods.

I fight in my own way. I donate, attend rallies, educate myself on the issues, and speak on the issues. But I’m still waiting to hear a word from you….

2007-09-20T12:05:00.000-04:00

JENA 6 Timeline of Events-

August 31, 2006- A black student asks permission to sit under the "white tree." A school administrator replies, "you can sit whereveryou want."-

September 1, 2006- Three nooses in school colors are found hanging from the "white tree." -

September 7, 2006- The three students responsible for hanging the nooses were found. The principal recommends them for expulsion.

-September 8, 2006- The superintendent overruled the principal's decision, calling it a harmless prank. The responsible students were instead suspended.-(no confirmed date available)- The District Attorney and several police officers came out to the school for an impromptu assembly afterseveral reports of "trouble" at the school. The District Attorney told the students that if they didn't stop making a fuss about the "innocent prank… I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. I can take your lives away with a stroke of my pen."-

November 30, 2006- A fire burns down the main academic building of Jena High School . Investigators ruled that it was arson.

-December 1, 2006- A black student, Robert Bailey, attends a "white party," is beaten and has a bottle broken over his head. One person was later charged with simple battery for the beating and received probation.

-December 2, 2006- A fight is reported at the Gotta Go convenience store outside of Jena . Investigators say three students beat a man and took his shotgun. The students, one of whom was Robert Bailey- the victim of the beating at the party the previous night, say the man, who was also at the party, pulled a sawed off shot gun on the students. They wrestled the gun away from him and ran away. (The students were later charged with theft of the firearm, second-degree robbery, and disturbing the peace.)

-December 4, 2006- White student, Justin Barker, was allegedly with the students responsible for hanging the nooses, saying racial slurs and taunting Robert Bailey about being beaten up at the party on December first. Later, he was knocked unconscious (either by the first punch or from hitting the ground), punched, and kicked while he was down by a group of black students. An ambulance was called. Barker was conscious by the time it arrived. He was taken to the hospital, treated and released within three hours for injuries to his ears, face, and eyes. Barker was well enough to attend a school ring ceremony later that night.

-December 5-6, 2006- Six black students are arrested and charged with aggravated second-degree battery. They were: Robert Bailey Jr, age 17. Bail amount: $138,000. Theo Shaw, age 17. Bail amount: $130,000. Carwin Jones, age 18. Bail amount: $100,000. Bryant Purvis, age 17. Bail amount: $70,000. Mychal Bell, age 16. Bail amount: $90,000. An unnamed minor. -

December 7, 2006- The District Attorney announces that the charges against all six have been upgraded to attempted second-degree murder and conspiracy to commit second-degree murder.

-December 15, 2006- It is announced that Mychal Bell, age 16, will be charged as an adult. -

January 3, 2007- Purvis, Jones, and the unnamed juvenile post bail and are released from jail.-

January 6, 2007- Relatives announced that all six students involved in the fight (dubbed the " Jena 6") have been expelled from school.

-May 2, 2007- Robert Bailey Jr. is also released from jail. Mychal Bell and Theo Shaw remain incarcerated.

-May 10, 2007- The victim of the Dec. 4 fight, Justin Barker, is arrested for bringing a gun onto the Jena High School campus. The gunwas found in his truck.-June 25, 2007- Mychal Bell's trial begins. The District Attorney reduced the charges against Bell to second-degree aggravated battery and conspiracy to commit aggravated battery, both of which are still felonies. (In the state of Louisiana , for something to be consideredaggravated battery a deadly weapon must be used. The District Attorney said the deadly weapons in this case were the shoes he was wearing.)

-June 26, 2007- None of the 50 people who show up for jury duty are black. The 6 person jury selected is an all-white jury. There areallegations that all of the jury members knew a witness expected to be called during the trial. One jury member was a high school classmate of the District Attorney, another is friends with the mother of the victim, Justin Barker.

-June 27, 2007- The prosecutor called 17 witnesses, who all had varying testimonies. Some said they didn't see Bell hit Baker. Somesaid they saw Bell kick the victim. The victim, Justin Barker, said he didn't see anything and didn't know if Bell was one of the people who hit him. - Bell was represented by a court appointed public defender, Blane Williams. The public defender did not call a single witness.- Bell 's parents were not allowed to be in the courtroom during the proceedings because they were listed as potential witnesses by their son's attorney. They were never called to testify.

-June 28, 2007- The jury deliberated for fewer than three hours and found Bell guilty on the charges of second degree battery andconspiracy to commit second degree battery. With this sentence, he could face up to 221/2 years in prison.

-August 2007- Civil rights groups and activists such as the American Civil Liberties Union, Rev. Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and Martin Luther King III get involved. They visited Jena , held rallies, and helped Bell get new representation for an appeal before he is supposed to be sentenced.

-August 15, 2007- Bell 's attorneys file a motion to void his conviction.

-August 16, 2007- One of Bell 's attorneys says the case should be tried in juvenile court instead of adult court.

-August 24, 2007- A judge denies Mychal Bell bond because of four previous incidents, including two previous simple battery charges, he has on his record.

-August 29, 2007- "Free the Jena 6" T-shirts are banned from being worn at Jena High School .

-September 4, 2007- A judge vacated the conspiracy to commit aggravated battery charge against Bell . It will be handled in juvenile court. The second-degree aggravated assault charge remains. Bell will now only face a maximum of 15 year in prison rather than 221/2.-The charges against Carwin Jones and Theo Shaw were also reduced to second-degree aggravated battery and conspiracy to commit second-degree aggravated battery.

-September 14, 2007- A state appeals court in Louisiana throws out the only remaining conviction against Mychal Bell, saying that he should not have been tried as an adult on the charge of aggravated battery.

Micheal Dyson on Jena 6

2007-09-20T11:38:00.000-04:00

http://video.msn.com/v/us/msnbc.htm?g=a1c532ab-10c5-4e1f-b796-118d39caa99d&f=00&fg=

Send one up for me...

2007-08-16T12:57:00.000-04:00

Pray for me...

The past few months have been trying for me as a woman, wife, mother, friend, and as a Christian... just pary for me please...

many times i've wanted to just throw my hands up and give into the desire to quit. But i'm in a place where i am being broken amd being molded for something great....

Been listening to a lot of Gospel music and here a few songs that have gotten my spirit to calm down and sit in the Spirit, and listen for the answers...

Healing In His Tears ..
By Smokie Norful Written by Smokie Norful & Myron Butler
From CD: Nothing Without You

Jesus cried for my pain
Removed agony and strain
Lent His ear to my fear
There's healing in His tears
There's healing in His tears

Being both God and man
Who better would understand
Than the one who comforts me
And who died to set me free

Just like He cried for Lazarus
Still today He cares for us
And when Jesus feels your pain
Nothing in your life remains the same
Healing, healing, healing, healing, oh Oh, oh, oh healing

All Things Are Working For Me
Fred Hammond
Falling apart and tearing at the seams
Tribulation lends a hand and squeezes all your hopes and dreams
You say you retreat, you say you just can't win
Before you let your circumstance tell you how the story ends
(God's word) His word says you can stand,
He'll cover you with His grace
Everything you need is in your hand,
So lift up your head and say
Chorus:
All things are working for me, even things I can't see
Your ways are so beyond me, but
You said that you would let it be for my good,
so I'll rest and just believe
Verse 2:
I know you say you've got it bad right now,
Let me say I know that feeling well,
To make good plans for life and then watch them take a downward spin
Let me encourage you while I encourage me
See the raging rain and wind but
He'll speak peace and it will come to an end
(The truth is)The truth is He cannot lie,
I'm in His hands and I'm on his mind, promised me
He'd always be there, so by faith He will answer my prayer
ChorusBridge:
Many days and nights I cried because
I felt let down But I won't always receive good but a praise in my heart will remain
So with tears in your eyes know sometimes it might get rough but say
Lord I love you more and that is enough to know
All things are working for me, even things I can't see
Your ways are so beyond me, but You said that you would let it be for my good,
so I'll rest and just believe

Philippians 4:7
Fred Hammond
Verse One)
Why downcast oh,my soul
Having a heavy heart in hand
Knowing full his promise still remains
That He would safely guideIf on his shoulders I would lean
And his perfect will I would remain

(Verse Two)
The battle rages on
And weakens my confidence
Confusion urges me to curse the day
But when I patient wait Under the shadow of His wing
Then I softly hear the Spirit say

(Chorus)
The peace that passes on
All your understanding
Shall guard your heart and mind
Through Christ Jesus (Repeat)

Wastes of Talent....

2007-07-25T14:01:00.000-04:00

1. I found out yesterday my company is closing it state -side finace departments and outsourcing them to India... so I've been laid off... technically I have 90 days to wrap up all my projects and such... I did take issue with the way it was handled by the company. they said it to us in an emergency mandatory meeting... the meeting lasted all of 10 minutes, where they said "the company is going in the following direction..., and by the way we're outsourcing your functions, any questions?" It was disrespectful and harsh. But it is what it is... thejob hunt goes into fifth gear now...

2. I've been hearing a lot about the upcoming concerts Lauryn Hill and Bilal are doing here in Brooklyn in August...
Bilal he is a genius! but a genius on crack/heroin is no good for anyone. he has developed the rep for being high/drunk when he performs so a lot of people don't want the risk attached when booking him. His last two attempts at releasing an album have all been thwarted because he can't stay clean. he is entirely too talented to just dash his prowess to the side and smoke/snort/inject that crap...

Now Lauryn is just going through some stuff... she needs to get away from Brother whatever his name, and understand that she can't preach to the masses in the manner she is going about it. people who have been to her spotty summer tour dates have come back to say the show sucked basically. The band is too big and too loud, she is incoherant, her preachy lyrics are turning people off, and fans are asking for their money back at the end of the shows... maybe she needs a good blunt like back in the day...

Now there are some other people I could name that are being quite wasteful of their talents... some due to lack of motivation, lack of direction, lack of support, lack of resources, some just plain and simple didn't take the opportunity to succeed when it was handed to them, lack of informed/intellegent management, lack of production.... i could go on but I'll stop here cause I must be fair and lump myself in with them....

What are you people doing?

What the hell is the justice system going to do next?

2007-07-19T19:24:00.000-04:00

Nebraska district judge, Jeffre Cheuvront, Last fall, Cheuvront granted a motion by defense attorneys barring the use of the words rape, sexual assault, victim, assailant, and sexual assault kit from the trial of Pamir Safi—accused of raping Tory Bowen in October 2004.

He has told the victim and her team of lawyers he will consider it contempt of court if someone uses those words, and jail them for p to 30 days for use of it....

Here we go again...

2007-07-16T21:18:00.000-04:00

Ex-university chairman: Slur 'slipped out'
He acknowledges using N-word, but says he resigned for other reasons
The Associated Press
Updated: 8:31 p.m. ET July 16, 2007

PROVIDENCE, R.I. - The longtime chairman of the Roger Williams University board admitted Monday that he had used the N-word during a board meeting, saying it “kind of slipped out.”

“I apologized for that,” Ralph Papitto said in an interview on WPRO-AM. “What else can I do? Kill myself?”

Papitto, 80, who stepped down this month after nearly 40 years on the board, admitted he used the racial slur at a May meeting of the school’s board of trustees. He had been discussing the difficulty of finding blacks and other minority members to serve on the 16-member board, which at the time included 14 white men and two women.

Barbara Roberts, then a board member, said Papitto became irate when he discussed pressures to make the board more diverse, at one point using the slur to refer to black candidates.
She said he then told the board he knew he couldn’t say that because of Don Imus, the radio host who was fired after referring to Rutgers University women’s basketball team members as “nappy-headed hos.”
“There was, like, this complete and utter silence, and I was shocked beyond belief and very angry,” Roberts said.
(Associated Press)

So I guess I can start calling them Cracker and Honkey? Just have to apologize after...

2007-07-08T04:51:00.000-04:00

Until you know my joy, know my pain, and know my struggles

Until you've walked these shoes, paid my dues, and felt my troubles

Until you've shared my tears, known my fears, in all my years

Only til then, you only know what you think you know

Not too cool for School...

2007-07-04T00:39:00.000-04:00

I think I finally got my butt in school... registered and pending all my loans and such go through... I'm in... changed majors... going into Humanities, will parlay that into a career as a teacher eventually... will pursue a Masters in either Sociology, Urban Studies, or Education... but for now I just have desire for learning the material, so I will soak up all the knowledge I can get... The subject is very interesting... it delves into history, geography, world cultures, social sciences, philosophy, basically all subjects to a point, and gives you the relationships and applications when it comes to people and how all of these subjects impact the world and change the world/cultural/moral outlook from generation to generation, if that make sense to you. It does o me, an that's all that matters at this point.

So with my schooling re-starting I figured what I'd do is get my books early and start studying from now, Yes it two months in advance, but I haven't studied in 5 years for anything, so I need to create and master my study habits. Well really I never had study habits, probably why I'm in the situation I'm in now...

I've also taken full advantage of the courses Itunes offers from top universities. They are free and all audio. I chose to do/listen the courses Stanford has to offer. They have a lot of the classes I will need to graduate, so why not get a jump on the lessons before everyone else? I started listening to a few already and they have shown themselves to be quite interesting. So I'm well on my way...

I just pray my steps stay on the ordered path and my mind stays open and that I grasp everything put before me.

Hot Ghetto Mess... We Must Do Better

2007-06-27T13:58:00.000-04:00

1. I watched the BET Awards last night... there were several messes... but to me the most ignorant segment was Mr. Curtis Jackson's (50 Cent)... he paraded himself around the stage and audience refusing to perform his song fully, he stood in front of all these people, during a broadcast that would be reaching millions here and internationally and decided to embarrass all black people and scream "F%$K" two or three times...

2. HOTGHETTOMESS.com is coming to a TV near you... BET announced that there will be a show dedicated to the mess that made the website so popular. Hosted by Charlie Murphy... if you've ever seen the website, you know we will be discussing this further....

The Murder of Black Women; The Apology by Marlon LeTerrence

2007-06-20T14:33:00.000-04:00

Have a seat sister; this may take a while. Don't be afraid. The two pistols you see smoking in my hands are harmless now. Both clips are empty, much like a Larry Elders speech. And even though I was aiming at the System when I first unloaded shots into the air, I see now that I missed the target. The System remains intact while you sit wounded and battle-weary from decades of bullets being lodged deep into your heart and soul. I murdered you many times. Still, you didn't die: not even once.

I apologize for abandoning you and leaving you to fend for yourself in a world as cruel as it is cold. I should have supported you when you offered to be apart of the struggle. But the struggle was an internal one as well as an external one, and I was losing on both fronts.

I got mad at you for straightening your hair, for slow dancing in the arms of white men, for challenging my manhood and comparing it to other races. I hated the way the System divided us by promoting you and demoting me, but instead of uniting with you and having your back, I attacked you and left you alone in your grief.

I apologize for flaunting white women in your face as soon as I got money or fame. I was suffering from a mental illness that had me believing that my self-worth had to be approved by blue eyes. I know it hurt you to see me betray you so quickly, so easily, and so often. I had you feeling as though you were not worthy to be in my arms when the opposite was true. I was not worthy of yours.

I apologize for calling you a "bitch" and a "hoe" and treating you like a sexual object in my music, and in the streets, and amongst my homeboys. I felt powerless and frustrated, lost in maze of self-hatred. I raped you, and pimped you, and beat you, and cursed you, and tried to destroy you in the same way I felt destroyed. The pressures of society triggered the implosion that almost destroyed everything inside of me. And you got caught up in the blast because you were always so determined to stand firmly by my side. I murdered you many times. Still, you didn't die: not even once.

I apologize for cheating on you, abusing you, and leaving you as soon as you got pregnant. I pretended like the child wasn't mine. I even asked you to kill the baby because I knew I wasn't responsible enough to rear him/her properly. When you refused, I reluctantly tossed you a few dollars each month and felt like that's all I had to do to be a father. I apologize for turning you into a single mother instead of a happy wife.

I apologize for selling drugs and going to prison and using the streets as an excuse for my failure. I didn't want to be like the honest folks in my hood who worked hard and had nothing to show for it. I wanted more out of life but didn't have the courage or the insight to follow the path of the brothers who worked hard in school to build stable futures and lives for themselves. I grew up angry at the world and my environment. But instead of using this anger in a constructive manner, I beat down and shot up the first brother who stepped on my shoes in the club.

I apologize for dying so young in the streets. I just wanted respect. I just wanted power. And the only people in my hood who possessed these qualities were the gangsters and thugs and dealers. You warned me to be careful. You begged me to slow down. But I didn't listen. The respect of the street was all I had. It was something I was willing to kill for, to even die for. I was fighting a war against myself, and dying for a cause that didn't exist.

I apologize for breaking your heart and betraying your trust and hurting you so badly that you became almost as racist as the System. You started calling all black men dogs and writing cruel little Waiting to Exhale type books that spent too much time degrading me instead of explaining that good black men are the majority. Your anger and books flew high, like African Jehaka birds, towards the tree branches of my soul. But instead of forgiving me and attempting to rebuild your nest, your anger and books became woodpeckers and pecked away at what was left of me. You screamed out that good black men were hard to find and blamed me for your actions when you held white men in your arms. I tried to tell you that I was the minority, and that good black men were everywhere, but it was easier for you to point fingers at me than it was to give these brothers a chance. I should have treated you like the queen that you are so that other black men wouldn't be falsely accused of my emotional crimes. I murdered you many times. Still, you didn't die: not even once.

I apologize for encouraging you to be materialistic. I dumped my money into the same System that was destroying me and tried to impress you with expensive cars, platinum jewelry, and Polo gear. I fooled you into thinking that the measure of a man was in his bank account or in the size of the knot in his front pocket. You jumped into the front seat of my Lexus, happy because your friends were now envious of you, as we both sped down a dead end road at one hundred miles per hour. As a result, many black men who didn't own a Lexus were ignored and even dismissed by you. I had you believing that your love came with a price tag. I apologize for the late night booty calls. You wanted to talk, to cuddle, and to explore the depth of my character. I only wanted sex. I called you when I was horny and only reached out to you when I saw that you were slipping away. I should have talked to you and opened up to you. Instead, I trusted only my homeboys and factored you out of the equation.

And I apologize for turning you against your friends and family members. I was jealous of their influence over you. I was afraid that you would listen to them when they told you that I was not good for you. I didn't have a job, and when I did, I used it as a weapon against you. When wise sisters told you to raise your standards, I persuaded you to lower them. I had you thinking that you had to have a man, any man, to be complete. And I apologize for that. I murdered you many times, sister. Yet, incredibly, amazingly, you didn't die. Not even once. And this serves as the ultimate testimony to your true greatness.

Thought for th Day...

2007-06-15T14:31:00.001-04:00

"A Woman's Heart Should Be So Lost in God, That A Man Must Seek Him to Find Her!!!!!"

To Be Young, Gifted, and Black...Donny Hathaway

2007-06-12T14:28:00.000-04:00

To be young, gifted, and black
Oh what a lovely precious dream
To be young, gifted, and black
Open your heart to what i mean, to what I mean
Cause you knowIn the whole wide world
There's a million, a million boys and girls
Who are young, gifted, gifted, and black
...and its sho'nuff where its at

To be young, gifted, and black
We must begin to tell our young
That there's a whole world, a whole world waiting for you
Haven't you heard the quest has just begun
Don't you know the joy, the joy, the joy of the today
Is the day that we all.....that we all be proud to say
That we are young..., gifted..., gifted and black.. and its sho'nuff where its at"

On the brink, the cusp, the edge...

2007-06-10T14:01:00.000-04:00

For years I've been feeling like I'm on the brink of greatness, or on the cusp of achieveing all of my dreams... I used to say it was coming and I waited for it. Now I realize I'm the only one keeping me from reaching it/them. I can no longer wait to be the greatest afican American screenplay writer/director in years, I have to be on my grind, again. I worked so hard to get the work done, gotta work as hard to promte it. Back to squar one I think. My agency is slacking in my book. I have to find a more aggressive team. So the real work begins. I want to be in a better place than I am now, in a year from now... physically, mentally and spiritually... I keep holding off on committing to too many things, afraid of neglecting my family and myself. But I ready to step out, make a leap of faith...

2007-05-15T23:26:00.000-04:00

With the birth of my daughter I've been getting calls from friends, new and old. While I enjoy these conversations I find that all of them end up with that friend saying they can't believe I'm married and have a child. After hearing it from about 98% of people, I realized that it was more than growing older and reminiscing. Comments like they thought they'd be first, or or they didn't think it would happen for me.

I almost got offended. Well actually i am a little offended and I'm a little disheartend. I know I've had a few strike outs in love before getting married, but did they really make people rule out thhat it would ever happen for me? I mean damn, thanks for the hope people... But I also realized that part of it was my fault too. My pride kept me from being completely open with anyone. I was too afraid to appear volnerable to anyone, even those I attemped to be in "intimate" relationships with. So having those conversations about marriage and kids rarely happened, if at all with some of them... But I am married, and i am a mother...

So much for being the lonely childless friend...

And its over man...

2007-05-05T23:36:00.000-04:00

Maternity leave for me is officially over as of Monday... i hate the idea of going back to work. Mainly because I have serious case of separation anxiety when it comes to my daughter. But really it makes no sense for me to go back to work. I have been railroaded to the point where at any time they can fire me with no real means. I have been made to look like an inadequate employee by my boss who used me as a scape goat for some issues my department had. Now when I enter that building my mind will be else where. But I have something or their asses anyway. I fully intend on going back and being on my grind. No socializing, no frequent trips away from my desk, no days off. Just going to work until they fire me or until they let us all go in october which ever comes first.

I hate that I have that to look forward to. but my child has to eat and have shelter...

2007-04-23T19:14:00.000-04:00

In a few weeks I will be face to face with all of my high school friends. A eally good friend of mine is getting married and the they will all be there...I haven't really seen anyone, cause I stopped looking for anyone the day after graduation... so true... we graduated and that chapter of my life was closed. I did catch up with a few people in 2001, after the death of one of my friends. And we all know a funeral is not the place to catch up with people. But nothing really since then.I think about some of them from time to time, I wonder who they are now, who they are trying to be, and who they still are. I know I am avery different. High school was so high school to me, ya dig. I was over the dramas wy before everybody else.

I was so ready to jump into my real life, that I ditched them... guess I can make amends with some, "hug it out" with them, and act like 8 years haven't passed...

There is one person in particular that i want to see... she and i were inseparable in high school. It took one semester of college to tear us apart. She did somethings that were way out of line. She accused me of outting her on them, but I didn't. And we haven't spoken since. I've seen her a few times, asked about her to mutual friends, said a prayer when she had her son, and now we are weeks from coming face to face. I hope enough time has past that we can come to a place of cordialities...

2007-04-16T21:09:00.000-04:00

Breathing While BlackBy Christopher Rabb
Republished courtesy of The Nation(Originally web published on December 2, 2006)

There is nothing like being made to feel like a nigger. Just having to verbalize it or commit such a thought to text is gut-wrenching. Janitor or journalist, if you’re black in America, that feeling is both unmistakable and more familiar than it ever should be so long after the the visible successes of the civil rights movement.

But despite the greater prospects, opportunities and privileges earned for and by many of us over the decades, the default has remained the same: The power dynamics that exist in this country at any given time may render us niggers.

I have often joked that if you ever want to see a modern-day Uncle Tom, look no further than me in the vicinity of a white police officer. The reality is, that is how I have been conditioned to behave around the police for pure self-preservation reasons, having grown up black in Chicago with parents who wanted their boys to live to adulthood. But the other reality is that whatever newfound liberties I have experienced, and all too often have taken for granted, I don’t ever want to be made to feel like a nigger–something far, far worse than its utterance. It is a status whose roots form the tree from which we are lynched. Without the corollary lack of humanity and powerlessness, lynching could not occur, in all of its modern iterations, ” contagious shootings” included.

Oprah today...

2007-04-16T17:48:00.000-04:00

Before the news reports about the VT tragedy interrupted Oprah's show today, she actually had a great forum discussing the whole Don Imus racial back lash issue...

"After Imus…now what? Where do we go from here? Is there a double standard in this country? A conversation we all need to have right now. Join us for an Oprah Show town hall.."

Tomorrow is contiuing coverage of the topics at hand... her guests include India Arie, russell Simmons, and Common... more from me on this tomorrow as well...

My God... again...

2007-04-16T17:26:00.000-04:00

Timeline of Virginia Tech shooting rampage

Gunman, described as an Asian male in his 20's, opened fire in dorm, then unleashed barrage in second building before dying, by a self inflicted shot.
•
7:15 a.m.: Gunfire reported
•
9:15 a.m.: Second onslaught
•
9:26 a.m.: E-mail warning
•
9:50 a.m.: 'A gunman is loose'
•
10:15 a.m.: Banging heard
•
10:16 a.m.: Another alert
•
10:52 a.m.:'Multiple victims'
•
Noon: Partial evacuation
•
12:15 p.m.: 'Monumental' tragedy

At least 33 dead in rampage at Virginia college
15 other people wounded in worst mass shooting in U.S. history

The "N" word...

2007-04-15T23:47:00.000-04:00

There has been so much happening since I've had my baby... just haven't had the time to write anything down... but tonight I wil discuss one topic that has been discussed b myself and a friend of mine via his blog entry...

"...Nigga what!!!? I don't understand this issue. As a black, educated, professional man, I reject the idea that we as black folks should "banish" the so-called "N" word. I mean, banish the word to what end? What would not saying "Nigga" really change? Will we feel better about ourselves as people? Will there be a collective sigh of relief by the Black masses because "no one is calling us nigga anymore?" No. I don't think so..."

Besides, as a people, I think we have bigger fish to fry than this. Can really afford to use what little political capital we have in our community on an issue so small? We need to focus our attention on more tangible and meaningful discourses than name calling. Maybe we should be using the spotlight to talk about improving our money management skills as a people instead admonishing the Black masses to "stop calling each other names."

I mean, it just seems a little sophmoric to be worried about the name we call each other, when we have so many other issues to address like: education, family structure, health and dietary needs, political power and economic independence. Later for what you wanna be called!!! We all said the same saying in elementary school "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never hurt me." It is precisely these kinds of distractions that keep us from truly seeing the bigger picture.

The so-called "N" word has no bearing on our fight for liberation and freedom. None. And the vast energies we are putting into trying to get rid of the word are badly needed in other areas of our fight! So what if a Black person calls u a nigga!!! You know they aren't calling you "ignorant." We all know that's not what is trying to be communicated.

Some say, "Well, if you say it, then white folks will feel empowered to say it, too." I don't buy that. For centuries, white folks in America have businesses, busses, restrooms, water fountains, swimming pools, restaurants, movie theaters and more that we as Black people weren't allowed to enjoy. I think we're entitled to at least keep a word to ourselves!

It is our tradition as a people to take bad situations and make something good out of it. From the blues to soul food, our people have taken the bad that we've been given and turned it around into something comforting and positive. Such is the so-called N-word in my book. "-jb

My response:

"While I understand where you are coming from, I used to be on the fence with the issue, but I'm going to say I agree with your friend... at least to a point...There is obviously no way on earth we are going to ever have that word banished. Hell, it's in the dictionary. it was only a few years ago they were trying to have it removed from the dictionary. That word is history, a part of history, it'd engrained in the psyche of all American people.

People will always use it, whether as a term of endearment or in a historical context.

For me, I've tried to remove it for my vocabulary all together. There are plenty of ways to address someone... even in joking I use other words... I know this will be a dividing line among African Americans for all time. Some see us using the word as empowering, some still haven't taken the sting out of the stigma of the word...

Lastly, the word can't hurt you, if you know who you are..."

With the latest backlash from Don Imus' use of the term "nappy-headed ho's"... many African-Americans are calling for all people especially those in the hip-hop community to discontinue the use of the "n" word... I didn't see the correlation at first but I do now. Here is my opinion:

white people are going to call us what they want, regardless. But it's not only whites who will use derogatory terms in reference to us. See what people claim in public may not be what they adhere to in private. I understand that, so me attempting to believe that the word will be ablished, even removed from the dictionary, is ubsurd... I have removed the word almost completely from my vocab, the occasional slip happens when referring to someone who really is as the definition states... I'm working on stopping that...

Don Imus just let his real feelings come out, by accident, in public... and couldn't change it or explain it after. he will continue to use terms and phrases like that with his like minded friends and family... his Freudian slip is a hisorical point now... he lost his job and his livlihood because he couldn't control his rant that day... should he have lost his job, sure why not, teach the others a
lesson... lmao t taught nothing people... CBS and MSNBC are trying to keep black listeners and viewers, they had to do something... The FCC is trying to stay inside politically... and Imus is left to apologize... Funny how his apology was preceded by comments such as the phrase he used originated among blacks, he was just using it in the same context we use it... That asshole... Should have said nothing, apologized and ended it, had to try to defend himself, publicly again... Ran his ass into the same fire he was trying to get out of...

this will always be a topic of discussion, the key is changing to focus to what the real problem is... the lack of genuine equality in America... There will never be equality, genuine heart-felt equality, unless people start looking at each other as humans... Every form you fill out ask for your race and or cultural background, simply to make and reach quotas... why cant that crap be left off... I don't fill in the boxs, I haven't since the third grade, when that ish started to click for me. I am "black" so what.. didn't change the score on my state tests did it? I still scored in the 95th percentile of ALL kins in America didn't I?...My color on the outside means nothing...

I am well aware of my history and my legacy... I'm a mutt... and damn proud of it...

The "N" word is an ugly word if you let it continue to be...

Down for the cause...

2007-04-12T22:30:00.000-04:00

she was actually asleep... we had to take the picture, figured no one would believe us if we told them she did it...

lmao...

2007-03-31T14:22:00.000-04:00

16 days in...

2007-03-30T01:20:00.000-04:00

I am tired... but I am happy...

16 days into motherhood and I'm an oxymoron of feelings. My emotions sometimes teeter from one end of the spectrum to the other... but most of the swing is due to sleep deprivation...

She is perfection... she is all I couldn't and wouldn't be...

2007-03-17T20:58:00.000-04:00

I had the epidural!!!!!!

My daughter was born March 13,2007
7lbs 9oz

Thanks again Mr. Bush...

2007-02-28T12:21:00.000-05:00

WP: Md. boy dies from toothache
Maryland boy, 12, dies after bacteria from tooth spread to his brain
By Mary Otto
The Washington Post

WASHINGTON - Twelve-year-old Deamonte Driver died of a toothache Sunday.

A routine, $80 tooth extraction might have saved him.
If his mother had been insured.
If his family had not lost its Medicaid.
If Medicaid dentists weren't so hard to find.
If his mother hadn't been focused on getting a dentist for his brother, who had six rotted teeth.

By the time Deamonte's own aching tooth got any attention, the bacteria from the abscess had spread to his brain, doctors said. After two operations and more than six weeks of hospital care, the Prince George's County boy died.

Deamonte's death and the ultimate cost of his care, which could total more than $250,000, underscore an often-overlooked concern in the debate over universal health coverage: dental care.

Some poor children have no dental coverage at all. Others travel three hours to find a dentist willing to take Medicaid patients and accept the incumbent paperwork. And some, including Deamonte's brother, get in for a tooth cleaning but have trouble securing an oral surgeon to fix deeper problems.

In spite of efforts to change the system, fewer than one in three children in Maryland's Medicaid program received any dental service at all in 2005, the latest year for which figures are available from the federal Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services.

Oscars...

2007-02-26T11:34:00.000-05:00

I watched the hoopla that is the Academy Awards... I thought it was quite long, but I really watched to see Jennifer Hudson win... I was too happy to see her accept her award. A lot of movies and people who were not on the top of anyine eles lists won. Which goes to show it really is about the work, the actual work not ticket sales, not the fame of the actors, just the interpretations of the scripts... which in essence means I still have a chance to put good material that will get recognition. Maybe not the first time around, but it will happen. gotta stay motivated.

Channel Surfing... again...

2007-02-22T10:09:00.000-05:00

I saw two interesting programs on TV this week...

I flipped through and landed on PBS the other night and saw a documentary called:

Hip Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes,” by director Byron Hurt, examines musical portraits of sexism, masculinity and homophobia in hip-hop songs. The film includes interviews with hip-hop artists Mos Def and Busta Rhymes.

There were some real issues dealt with, some were skimmed over, some were just never discussed. I would have loved to see the documentary go deeeper... but if it's on in your town, check it out...

Last night while flipping through I landed on TLC, it was a show called "That's Gotta Hurt" There were a few medical mysteries discussed. The one that struck me was about a young pregnant woman. Basically what happened is: she had been having severe pain wit her pregnancy, and had been going to the doctors and they could give no help. late into the pregnancy it was discovered that the baby she had been carrying was growing on the outside of her uterus. It it a rare type of ectopic pregnancy. it is so rare that there are only 5 babies in the world that have survived the pregnancy, including hers. But with the baby growing the abdominal cavity it causes damage to all of the mothers organs and irreversable damage to the uterus. The baby was born with clubbed feet and damaged hip bones, but no other health complications. it was fascinating to say the least.

2007-02-20T11:34:00.000-05:00

My birthday was Sunday... this was the first time I think in my whole life were more people forgot my b'day than normal. A lot of people get my day wrong, they'll call the day before or the day after. This year people just flat out forgot. People I grew up with that usually remember, people that are closest to me forgot. Which was weird. A few of them called and we had regular convo, but they didn't remember to say it, or didn't recall the date I guess. And I didn't remind them either. if they didn't remember on their own, I wasn't going to coax birthday wishes out of them.

I'm not bitter, it was just weird. My day didn't really belong to me like it usually does. I spent the majority of it cleaning and shopping for my child's coming.

My b-day means more to me than Christmas, and this year it didn't feel that special. Almost felt like another day in passing. I sung happy birthday to myself all day. My husband gave me a card when it turned 12am. It was a really nice card.

But I guess I have to get used to not being the center of attention on February 18.

2007-02-16T14:58:00.000-05:00

Well well well... the count down to Baby Drop begins... technically I have four weeks... probably wont make it to four weeks... my office bet is Sunday she'll decide to come, only because its a full moon and it's my b-day... I spoke with my child last night, my birthday is to remain my birthday only. She can have all the other 364 days, I just need this one to myself. Selfish I know, but I gotta be me... Birthdays are special to me. It was my day. I could do what I wanted (within reason), I got to eat what I wanted, sleep as late as I wanted... just do me basically. And I've had my b-day that way as far back as I can remember...

So I just want that one day, or at least the majority of that day to enjoy all to myself... Please? can I have it?

Hail the Queen

2007-02-12T12:13:00.000-05:00

Did you hear Mary J Blige kill it last night? I was awe struck, she was immaculate!!!! No one could even come close last night...

Gnarls Barkley was dope, the performance by John Mayer/John Legend/Corrine Bailey Rae was dope, Dixie Chicks were great, Ludacris and Mary were dope as well....um that's about it...

Spanking your kids

2007-01-31T09:47:00.000-05:00

Hitting Bottom: Why America should outlaw spanking.By Emily Bazelon http://www.slate.com/id/2158310/

Hey my personal feelings about spanking are two sided. For me spanking was a way of punishment as a child. I got my fair and unfair share of the belt, hand, slipper, and whatever was at hand. But I always said I wouldn't spank my children, at least until I got old enough to understand certain things about being a parent/caretaker. Some kids need it, some kids more than deserve it, but some only need a stern word or two and they will shape up. But if you have more than one child you can't just hit one and not the other. it has to be universal treatment...

I was a child that didn't need spanking, but I had to get what the others got. I hated being yelled at, being talked to sternly, made me cry. My mother's evil eye struck fear in my heart.

But spanking is in some cases a necessary evil... I'm not a fan of yelling, screaming, or arguing, nor am I one that strikes children... so this should be interesting when my child gets to the age of needing discipline... pray for me...

Wet Pants...

2007-01-29T16:09:00.000-05:00

WET PANTS Come with me to a third grade classroom....

There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."
He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up round his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, theridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someoneelse - Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. "You've done enough, you klutz!"Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers,"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Susie whispeers back, "I wet my pants once too."

May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good.

Remember.....Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.Each and everyone one of us are going through tough timesright now, but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can. Keep the faith.

TLC...

2007-01-29T12:37:00.000-05:00

Last night I started watching a show on TLC.
TLC I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day
Four morbidly obese people struggle with their weight, their addiction to food and rapidly deteriorating health. Two men are bed ridden and require constant care. Two women are dangerously close to becoming housebound.

There was a guy on there that consumed over 14,000 calories a day... he did so by eating, 6 fried eggs, 6 pork sausages, ham 2 ham egg and cheese bagels, half a loaf of bread made french toast style, 6-8 steaks with potatoes, two servings of extra large fries, two servings of rice, half a loaf of bread or biscuits, two 10 oz. hamburgers, 2 large teas, two large Kool aid's, salad, a plate of broccolli, 6 pieces of fried chicken, there was more but I can't remember. He eats this on an EVERY day basis. He is home bound and doesn't leave his room un less he has to. His body has deteriorated so much so that he doesn't even use the bathroom on a regular basis. He says he doesn't feel the need to. That is crazy. Funny thing is I blame him and his family. They cook that ish for him everyday, and wonder why he is the way he is.

What are you entitled to?

2007-01-25T09:04:00.000-05:00

That's a question my mother asked me years ago. Funny thing is everything I answered with she said "no, you aren't entited to that, you earned that right." Entitlement truly means a right given that can never be compromised, changed, or taken away.

Every morning I realize how many people don't understand this point. You are not entitled to bolck the train doorway, to bump into me, and roll your eyes when I push you back, to be mad at me because my baby bump takes up more space than your fat roll, to take up the pole so you can lean against it and read your newspaper and then not close it so people can hold on and not be made to fall when the train jerks...

It has been a frustrating coupole weeks on the train. I feel like fighting everytime I get on the train. People are so inconsiderate to others, but expect (and feel entitled to) that respect from those same people.

I never felt to entitled to anything. I was always taught you earn what you have, you have the power to make sure you don't lose it but you can at any moment. There are things that I own, that other people have possession of right now. Am I entitled to getting my things back, maybe, but not really. They can keep it, most times I let them. Because i'm secure in the fact that I had pleasure from it for a moment, and now they are enjoying it just the same. no big loss, just a change of hands n my eyes.

I don't even feel people are entitled to love, in a sense. The only entitlement to love you should have is to self love... and we know more than enough people have yet to claim that. No outside person can take that away, unless you let them. It's innate and really is never lost; as in cannot be found again. It gets misplaced, forgotten, but it can always be reinstated.

Again, as I have said before, maybe I expect too much from people. I expect respect, consideration, and to be treated as human...

2007-01-23T19:33:00.000-05:00

Did you know that the United States is one of only four countries without a national maternity leave policy? (The other's are Swaziland, Lesotho, PauPau New Guinea...go figure)

The US leaves all maternity leave policy to the individual businesses. Which means where you work determines how much time you get off. Most companies give new mom's 6-8wks of paid time off. But you only get 8wks if you deliver by c-section. And you are expected to call your job the day you give birth and report on what type of delivery you had so they can document and keep track of your time. a lot companies give you the choiceto start you leave on a designated day you choose or it starts the day you give birth. My company is one of these companies. I have to take 6wks and all ime after that is my personal time (vacation, personal days, sick time) or FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act of 1993).

Synopsis of Law
Covered employers must grant an eligible employee up to a total of 12 work weeks of unpaid leave during any 12-month period for one or more of the following reasons:
-for the birth and care of the newborn child of the employee;
-for placement with the employee of a son or daughter for adoption or foster care;
-to care for an immediate family member (spouse, child, or parent) with a serious health condition; or
-to take medical leave when the employee is unable to work because of a serious health condition.

It's a good law, guaranteeing your job will be there when you get back... but its unpaid leave... guess you have to take what you can get...

Personally I feel this is the most bizarre crap I have ever heard. How and why would it be ok to tell someone how long they can bond with their newborns? Parents have to entrust their children to either family members or to outside child care providers weeks before their child's immune system is prepared and or vaccinated. This country should be ashamed of themselves... A lot of the US's European counterparts give their employees one year of paid time off. There is one country that gives you at least four years off... Funny how other countries understand the importance of being with your child...

I wonder what would happen if the US decided to allow its employees that much time off? I think it would result in a better work force, or rather a more content work force. maybe if and when this country decides to go that route I'll start a temp business, catering to parents on leave and companies in need of temporary replacements...

Just my thoughts for the day

2007-01-17T11:20:00.000-05:00

The season of delusion began last night ... American Idol was back in effect... I love it!!! There were so many delusions and just out right WTF moments I just cried laughing... There was a chick that sounded like Chubakka when she sang, it was too much to take in. Sensory overload I tell you...

I went to the Doctor this morning for my ultrasound... the baby weighs 4lbs and has turned into position already... I'm only at 32 weeks!!! So they don't think I'm going to make it to 40wks. They are shooting for around my b-day... wow... this news is shocking, but I'm glad all is well...

Blog entry from my myspace.com

2007-01-16T11:56:00.000-05:00

Friday, January 12, 2007

been here, there and everywhere...

Current mood: contemplative

Since I last wrote I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions and states of well being... I lost a dear family member on New Years Day, been sick as a dog for the last couple days, got in trouble at work for following instructions (sounds stupid I know, but it's true), found out last week a friend of mine had a brain hemorhage (she's my age) and is in an medically induced coma...

I'm going through it right now... and the ride doesn't show signs of letting up...

But I'm maintaining... as best I can. I should just allow myself to cry, but I can't right now. Even at my auntie's funeral, I didn't cry, at least not the way I wanted to. My emotions got all jumbled and I didn't know which way I should or shouldn't react. So I shed a few tears silently. but I wanted to cry a river... I have to learn how to not be so damn stoic all the time. The thing is, I really don't mean to be, or even need to be. I just am. but with my child a few weeks away from making an appearance, I should be more open to the emotions I feel. I'm working on me...

Currently listening : Kingdom ComeBy Jay-Z
Release date: By 21 November, 2006

2007-01-12T10:30:00.000-05:00

I have a crush on David Beckham... He has been making news for the past few weeks, he's coming to the US to play soccer...don't worry my husband knows and approves. He and I discussed our celebrity crushes.

He has three that he talks about all the time. Two of whom he describes as his "big girl" crushes: Jill Scott and Queen Latifah. Then there is Salma Hayak. Me I like TI, Maxwell and David.

But David is my white boy crush... I can dig him...There si just something about that man, that makes me smile when I see him.

The difference between David and my husband is: while they are both nice to look at, my husband gets me in a way I don't think David could. I like looking at David but he can't compare in any other way to my man.

2007-01-10T11:56:00.000-05:00

Been trying to get my spritual life in order, I guess you can call it my resolution for 2007. I'm also going to spend more time with the family. Not just my immediate family, extended as well. I've been seen too little and less often by so many people in the past couple months, and have gotten cussed out because of it.

Spirit wise: I'm starting a new chapter in my life... motherhood... and If I didn't reach out to God before, now would be the most appropriate time... not that I'm sometime-ish with God, maybe sometime-ish with church, but not God. I say prayers all day. But I realized a long time ago if i start my day with God, the day tends to go smoothly. And if a bump arises it disapates quite easily without cause for discord or extreme emotional shifts. So I'm taking a few minutes each morning to prepare myself for the day with God. There are songs I listen to, and books that I read that get my mind in tune with God. So this year I will continue that every morning. With the birth of my child only 9 weeks away (Amen praise God!!!) I feel I need to be spritually cleansed and ready to accept this gift and the responsibility. I am not afraid, because I know all that I have been through with my pregnancy, this is just the next step in that journey.

Family: It's not that I've disappeared. Not that i've been selfish. I have been sick and I have been reclusive to a point, or maybe I should say homely. I love my family, immediate and extended, more than they know. But this year I will make a sincere effort to keep in touch more often. Send cards and emails, and pics and anything else to them. I enjoy being around my family, I like each one for my own reasons. Now it's time to appreciate them more.

2007 is going to be a busy year, but discipline will help me keep these two resolutions.

2007-01-08T11:48:00.000-05:00

I went to Auntie W.B's funeral last evening. It was a sight to see. The church was packed from top to bottom. And this is no small place. I'm talking 1000+ people can fit in here. It was a touching event. She touched more lives than I think she even knew.

I didn't go to the casket. I stopped doing that a long time ago. She was and is so much more than the body that laid there, I couldn't let that image taint the person I remembered so full of life. So I said my goodbye from afar.

The family asked people to write down their memories of her on sheets of paper in the bulletin, they would use that to create a memory book. No doubt it will be filled with memories from so many people, it will swell into books of memories...

The pastor asked the attendies to stand if they had ever been to her home for after church lunch, more than 3/4 of the people stood up... two things were always true with her, very consistent as well, she greeted you witha hug and a kiss, and she would make sure you were always fed.

I told my husband when I die I didn't want a casket at my funeral, matter of fact I didn't want my body there. I don't want the last image anyone sees of me, not to look like me, or not to be me without a smile. And I didn't want anyone to wear black. It's not a time to dread my passing more like a time celebrate the time I was here. There will be tears, unfortunately. But I want smiles and laughter to drown that out...

Um... yeah sure ok...

2007-01-05T14:54:00.000-05:00

When was it ever ok to walk around with hickeys on your neck? I was on the train this morning, there was a young man standing next to me, no more than maybe 15/16 yrs old. He had the sickest looking hickeys on his neck. Almost like they were a few hours old fresh... he saw people starring at him, but avted like he didn't care or really notice. My mother would have f-ed me up if I ever walked in her house looking like that.

I can honestly say I have had a hickey once in my life. It was my second trip home to see my b/f while I was in college. I didn't know it was there literally until I had left his house and went out to eat with my cousin. She noticed toward the end of dinner, and was like "What the hell is that on your neck?" I was like what, she pulled my hair back and sure enough there was a hickey the size of potato chip on my neck... She laughed so hard because she knew we had to go back to my house. If my mother had seen it, it was going to be over... she didn't see needless to say and I kept icing it all night, to no avail...

We left to go back to school the following day. Got back to the dorm and I swear everyone was looking for it. I got teased, but I was more embarassed than anything else... so unlady like...
so uncooth... swore i'd never have one again... I'll be 26 next month still hickeyless...

2007... somber beginnings...

2007-01-03T13:15:00.000-05:00

Today I learned that a family member has passed on... It's not sitting well with me at all... I don't know how to deal with it really... Death is a part of life, but I have not found that coping mechanism in me as yet... I saw her in the hospital before the holidays. She didn't look like herself to me, it was hard on me mentally to see her like that the images stick with me, I don't want to remember her like that. I simply refuse to.

W.B. you fought hard, and remained strong throughout... your reward is waiting for you when you get there...

Kwanzaa... seven days to remember why we are here....

2006-12-26T13:11:00.000-05:00

The word Kwanzaa is derived from the Swahili word meaning "first" or "first fruits of the harvest." Kwanzaa reflects the traditions of harvest festivals celebrated in many African countries, acknowledging the first fruits of the harvest, and the reward of family and friends working together to produce the season's crop.

Umoja (oo-MOH-JAH) -- Unity

Kujichagulia (koo-ji-chah-goo-LEE-ah) -- Self-determination

Ujima (oo-JEE-mah) -- Collective work and responsibility

Ujamma (oo-jah-MAH) -- Cooperative economics

Nia (NEE-ah) -- Purpose

Kuumba (koo-OO-mbah) -- Creativity

Imani (ee-MAH-nee) -- Faith

People Steal People

2006-12-22T10:41:00.000-05:00

You know sometimes when you here something it sticks with you, and later in life you can apply the statement, even in a way it was not meant to be applied, yet its profound?

My cousin told me a story once about one of her visits to the grocery store. She said there was a little girl roaming around with no adult. A woman, the girls mother comes over and scolds the girl saying " What have I told you about walking away from me? Don't you know people steal people?"

At first it was funny to us. We used to joke about it all the time. But recently my mind took it the statement to another level.

People really do steal people, literally and figurativly. Child predators steal the very soul of the children they assault. Never realizing their urges cause the children to never become the full beings they were meant to be.The child never really regains their full self, they are destined to become only some semblence of their higher selves.

In recent years I have noticed that more and more people are willing to speak about their abuse, as a means of freeing themselves and helping other find the courage to do so as well. many talk shows have survivors on sharing their experiences. Oprah was the first to actually have a convicted predator as a guest. Many stars/celebs have come forward too lately, men and women... It is courageous and freeing, but it also shows the world how prevalent the abuse is.

I was 21 before i said anything out loud to anyone about my experience. Called my cousin up at 3am to tell her, only to have her say the same person that violated me did the same to her. It was a silence filled convo of complete shock and worry. We both wanted to know, if he could get to us, he could have had access to so many other people in our family immediate and extended.

She and I discussed our issues with what happened and the long lasting effects/affects of the abuse. It was a hard convo to have, but we both needed to have it at that moment. And from that day on I was free to be me. I felt like a burden had been lifted. I found it easier to talk about.Easier to be in my own skin...

It's a hard subject to speak about, but talking about it, frees you in a way you couldn't have imagined. But if you aren't ready to talk, don't feel obliged to. In due time you will, and maybe you wont. If you don't ever gain the courage to speak about it out loud, at least aknowledge it to yourself. But also tell yourself it wasn't your fault. That makes difference...

Ask why and tilt your head to the side...

2006-12-20T16:05:00.000-05:00

I went to get lunch to day and as I was in the cross walk there was a young lady with a leash in her hand, I looked to see what type of dog it was, it so happened to be a Taco Bell dog (chihuahua). There was a little girl in a stroller behind them who asked her mom "Is that a real dog?" her mother said yes, the little girl asks "Does it run on batteries?" I had to laugh, I couldn't even help it... Because I would have asked the same thing at that age.

Why do people buy those dogs especially in this city. They are perfect targets for cabbies and delivery trucks... not to mention tall people who would step and smash one without feeling a damn thing... And why do they bring them on the train in their purses... its a dog, not a child people... geez

2006-12-18T17:07:00.000-05:00

You haven't changed
still a wolf in sheeps clothing
that is to say maybe the devil in a saint suit... with matching shoes
Still onery ans surly
Still Belzebub's unknowing minion
You teeter between sane and insane in the same conversation
Bi-polar or maybe manic depressive
Saw you try to force croc tears to make me feel bad
Little did you know I would have laughed had they fallen
Not to be cruel
just knowing the false effort it took to get them out,
would have tickeled me to no end
how can you know love when you've never loved
be loved when you wont allow the intimacy of getting to know you
We'll keep the ten foot pole between us, I guarantee
I can smell the sulfer and brimstone from here don't worry...
But I digress...

6 degrees of separation

2006-12-15T09:29:00.000-05:00

I watched a Primetime special the other night. It was quite interesting. It chose random people from different walks of life (race, occupation, age, gender) and asked them to locate someone in the same city they live in, whom they have never met. There were three test cases and each proved that it can take six or less contacts to reach anyone person. It was fascinating to say the leasst.

Just think who you could be connected to and not even know it...

2006-12-04T13:07:00.000-05:00

As old/young as I am I have yet to understand the drive in people to retaliate, including myself. I can speak for myself in that, I have an urge to defend myself at all times. It has improved dramatically over the last year, but sometimes I feel it rising up in me, and I have sit still as to not do or say anything that will be hurtful to myself and others. Sometimes I cry because of the built up anger inside. Sometimes I just shut down and say absolutely nothing to anyone.

but some people go to the extremes of complete sabotage. I wonder what could have happened in peoples lives that make them so ready to hurt other people to the core? Or is it that they want other people to feel the pain and self loathing they feel themselves? Either way it is a sight to see...

2006-12-01T12:24:00.000-05:00

I left my office for 45 min yesterday. When I came back, my director and one of the other department managers had been fired. To be completely honest I knew they were both on the way out. You can only get away so much, but for so long.

As word got around, we all found out 150 people got fired/let go yesterday. They called it "cutting the fat". It sucks to see grown people crying, especially those who you know had nothing else but this job. They've cut all the departments to skeletons of their former selves. They feel if you can perform at the same level as you did with 6 people, with only 3 or 4 people, why not. The timing is really bad though. The holidays are the worst time for this to happen. But this is how the cookie crumbles.

TODAY

2006-11-17T19:40:00.000-05:00

Most mornings the General and I watch the Today show. most mornings Al Roker says the most idiotic stuff, ok every morning. Once and a while Matt Lauer says some crap that just makes you tilt your head to the side and blink really fast. This morning he went well above and beyond his normal crap. he was interviewing a woman from England who claims to be a real medium, she even has a show on Bravo I think. He was trying to make a point about how he is creeped out sometimes by the show, he said " ... you walked up to strangers, some Black guys..." my brain kinda stopped for a moment. The General and I looked at each other wide-eyed like " I know he didn't just say that." He didn't even blink, it was like common language to him. It was a moment that should have people buzzing, but I bet people wont talk about it as much as you'd think. I just think it was worth a mention.

The Dream Weaver is messing with me...

2006-11-17T11:46:00.000-05:00

I've been having this recurring dream for the last few months, you know the kind that ends in the same spot, but you still haven't caught the meaning yet? In my dream I'm holding my child, I'm in my favorite performing spot, Tropical Soul (Richmond, Va), my name is called and as I approach the stage I remove my jacket. I stand there for a moment, with my arm folded across my chest, take a few deep breaths and begin to perform. Only thing is the poem I'm performing is a poem I have yet to write, it's dope though. The poem speaks about my role as a mother, and there is a part in the poem where I unfold my arms and reveal tattoos on my arms. They are very intricate, and somehow have to do with my poem. As unfolded my arm everyone ohhs and ahhs. I always wake up right after I unfold my arms.

It sucks because the poem like I said is dope. Can't believe its coming out of me. I wish I could write it down. but I guess its not meant to be written just yet.

Sleep finally came...

2006-11-15T09:21:00.000-05:00

I wont claim to be the most religious person, I'd say I was more of a spritual person. I don't go to church as often as I should, I go but there are severe gaps in frequency.

Recently I've been finding my mind on more spritual things. I've wrestling with something for a few days, it was causing me to lose sleep. Only thing was I didn't know what it was. I still don't. But I was taught to believe in battles in the spirit world, spiritual warfare. The battle for your soul isn't always faught in the physical, that is my sincere belief. And for three days my body, mind and soul were uneasy. Kept finding myself deep in thought, but never about anything specific, jumping around to any and everything. I was unfocused and confused. I was drained and couldn't understand why. I wasn't worried about anything, not on the conscious level anyway.

But I prayed about it. Called my parents and they prayed about it. I got home and ate, relaxed for a moment or two. I retreated into my room and prayed some more. Opened my Bible, not to any particular place. I believe if you open it and just start to read you'll find what you were looking for. It opened on that page to serve a purpose for you. This is where mine opened:

Psalms 51
1 - Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
2 - Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
3 - For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin [is] ever before me.
4 - Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done [this] evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, [and] be clear when thou judgest.
5 - Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 - Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden [part] thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
7 - Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 - Make me to hear joy and gladness; [that] the bones [which] thou hast broken may rejoice.
9 - Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
10 - Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
11 - Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
12 - Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me [with thy] free spirit.
13 - [Then] will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
14 - Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: [and] my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
15 - O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
16 - For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give [it]: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
17 - The sacrifices of God [are] a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
18 - Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
19 - Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.

I listened to a few of my favorite Gospel joints, called my parents again and they prayed with me again. And I fell asleep. No issues, no jerking awake, no heart racing. Just sleep. I can say without question I feel sooooo much better this morning. My soul is at ease.

I guess with so much hussle and bussle in the world, sometimes you just have to return to the teaching. I was taught to pray at all times. But I guess my human arrogance and intellegence kept getting in the way. And sometimes we have to be broken in order to see that.

WB... I thought you'd always outlive me... hoping you still will

2006-11-14T17:56:00.000-05:00

As a child I was taught never to question God. Questioning Him meant you didn't believe that what He did/does is in your best interest. But I am human and when life comes at you who else can you question? Over the last year and change, I find the question on the cusp of my lips. I sometimes question myself as to why certain things happen, try to somehow see the bigger picture. But my mind skips sections, skips the necessaries, things that make it make sense. I want to sit with God and ask Him some questions about my life and about why He places people into my life only to snatch them away. My life used to feel like a cruel joke for a long time, at which point I stopped questioning. I didn't care for the answer, I just wanted an end to it all. But as my life got on track I found myself questioning when bad things happen.

There are people places and things you think will always be with you. You never question whether you will have them, you just know you will. But when you see them slipping away or lose them before you can save them you stand there with your jaw on the floor, no movement. then the guilt of "shoulda woulda coulda" haunts you.

I would make it right if I could, I'd take away the pain and the heart ache, I'd bare your burden for you, I swear I would... I can't see you like this, it hurts me too much... You're gonna outlive me, and not as a memory... I love you for more reasons than you know...

Kick Push Kick Push

2006-11-10T13:00:00.000-05:00

Video triggers FBI probe of L.A. arrest
Footage shows police officers striking suspect in face during confrontation
The Associated Press

LOS ANGELES - Video footage posted on YouTube.com showing a police officer repeatedly striking a suspect in the face during an arrest three months ago has triggered an FBI investigation.

The video shows two officers holding down William Cardenas, 24, on a Hollywood street as one punches him several times in the face before they are able to handcuff him. The struggling suspect yells repeatedly “I can’t breathe!”

The footage, shot by an area resident, came to the FBI’s attention Thursday, prompting investigators to open a civil rights inquiry into the Aug. 11 incident, agency spokeswoman Laura Eimiller said.
The police department has begun its own criminal and administrative investigations into the officers’ use of force, said police spokesman Lt. Paul Vernon.

‘The video is disturbing’The officers were identified as Alexander Schlegel and Patrick Farrell. Both have been reassigned to administrative work.

“There’s no denying that the video is disturbing,” Chief William Bratton said at a news conference. “But as to whether the actions of the officers were appropriate in light of what they were experiencing and the totality of the circumstances is what the investigation will determine.”
Vernon said Cardenas is a known gang member who had been wanted on a felony warrant for receiving stolen property.

In an arrest report obtained by The Associated Press, the officers said they tried to arrest Cardenas as he and two others were drinking beer on a sidewalk.
Cardenas ran and the officers caught up to him, tripped him and swarmed over him to apply handcuffs, the report said.

The officers described repeated blows to the suspect’s face in the report, as well as his efforts to resist, and their concern that he might grab one of their guns during the brawl.

“The suspect’s hand covered my partner’s gun holster so I yelled at my partner to watch his gun. My partner responded by capping his gun and delivering a left elbow to the suspect’s face causing the suspect to let go of him,” the report said.

Pepper spray had ‘little effect’With Cardenas still resisting, one officer used pepper spray on him, but that had “little effect,” the report said. The officers were only able to handcuff him after two of his friends arrived and told him to stop fighting, according to the report.

Cardenas suffered cuts and bruises on his arms, leg and face, and received stitches on an eyelid. His attorney, B. Kwaku Duren, accused the officers of violating his client’s civil rights and claimed department investigators were stalling.

“I think the LAPD is being caught covering up an obvious excessive use of force,” he said.

Cardenas, who was held without bail, faces charges of resisting arrest.

Authorities learned of the video footage when the defense made it public Sept. 14 during Cardenas’ preliminary hearing, police said. The district attorney’s office will decide whether to continue with the case, which is scheduled for trial Nov. 20, said spokeswoman Jane Robison.

© 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

2006-11-03T12:27:00.000-05:00

I had an OB appointment. The waiting area was crowded. There were severeal young ladies, and I do mean young like barely 16 young there. They were talking amongst themselves and I heard they were all ACS cases attending an alternative school. Most stated they were run aways. All of them were there for pregnancy tests. It blew my mind! Some found out they were pregnant and it was like someone said the grass was green, no biggie. Some scheduled abortions, and some were undecided. For most this was not the first time they'd been through it, so they were taking it in stride, stoic even. My mind raced with the stories they told one another. Each was more crazy than the other. Some of them had children already, and they were barely 15. I couldn't even imagine what that must have been like. Everytime some would leave, more would come in. It was just sad, sad that this was the life they were leading at 15. I kept thinking they just needed someone, anyone to care enough about them for them to just turn their lives around...

And today I walk into work and walked right smack into drama....

I really hate this place. Hate is such a strong word but I really hate the atmosphere these people have created.

2006-10-30T11:14:00.000-05:00

لا توجد نتائج بحث عن

Just some thoughts...

2006-10-23T10:36:00.000-04:00

Spent the weekend quelling my music jones... got a lot of old scool joints and some newer favs. My Ipod is at 2102 songs... saddest part I can recite the lyrics, or at least the hooks, to 98% of them... do I really know that many songs?

Monday came too fast for me. I wish it were a long weekend. I actually started to feel alot better, the hacking and spitting is at a minimum. Spent Saturday in the bed. My body is stretching in many places and it hurts in some spots and its just uncomfortable in others.

In recent years I realized that everyone has their own ish to deal with. may not be out in open, but its there. many times its and internal battle that reeks havoc on them daily, but we'd never know it. In the past I always felt like I was the only one going through something all the time. It always seemed just as I tooka step forward I get thrown and have to take ten steps back. Without fail the worst always happened. I kinda just chucked it to God teaching me something, but the issue was i wasn't adhering to the lesson being taught, so He'd do it again and again until I got it. So i would analyze my situation see what it was i was missing. Take the time to really pay attention to the steps taken and not taken. I realized alot of it was my fault. I make rash decisions at times. I don't think things through enough, I just glance over what it is I see as the major issues, rather than looking at the whole picture. So I'm a whole picture kinda person now. I take in everything. I check myself and check other people, I watch body language more, I listen to the remarks that others allow to roll off of their shoulders. I'm not interested in only what is said, I need all five senses working to help me dicifer the real intent of everything and everyone.

Like there's this chick here at work, we were friendly up until three weeks ago when she got uptight about something and accused me of doing something I didn't. I politely wrote a note explaining what had actually happened. but she is too stubborn to either acknowledge that I didn't do what she thought or she just needed to have beef with yet another person. Both have been true for her in the past. People rarely change their MO if they've never been challenged to. So I say nothing. pass everything through her boss. I don't need anymore drama in my life right now. Normally I would have stressed about this and tried to amend it by having a talk with her. But at this point, I see no need. I can't be pulled into other people's need for constant drama. I don't need that in my life. So I wished her well and kept it moving.

Timing is everything they say. That I must say is true. You can think you need or want something, if the timing is off, it wont work in your favor. Having it will be more burdensome than having the need or the want for it. Sometimes you just need things to flow, no interruption, side stepping, skipping, just go the route it was meant to. Be open to the idea that the way you want it may not be the way it needs to be. Sometomes you just have to allow yourself to be lead in the right direction without thinking you have to know the direction from the first step.

Sometimes being by yourself isn't as bad as you think. think of it as an incubation period of sorts. You are growing you, without someone to throw you off. You relearn you, get back to the root of you. I preferred it at times, but my want for affection sometimes clouded the point of my aloneness. But i learned quickly who I really was, got hip to the game. I learned that I was much stronger than I thought. I was much more desireable to others when I was alone. I was much more desirable to myself.

This was just some thoughts for my peeps... its what I would say if we were on the phone, I would have made you laugh a lil though, can't be too serious all the time... luv ya

I NEED Music...

2006-10-17T15:49:00.000-04:00

I'm at home layed up... stomach issues...

I been watching several things on tv. Saw the new Jay-z video. It was cute. The song is cute. But music really sucks. If i hear "Chicken Noodle Soup" one more damn time... I'm scheduling my concerts for the winter, I NEED music in my life. I'm supposed to see Algebra on Thursday, and Floetry next week. Then there isn't anything worth spending money on for weeks. But by the time any reelly good concerts come up I'll be too fat/pregnant to attend.

But I seem to find really dope artists on the underground/independent circuit.

I found Anthony David by accident along with my homegirl Jam. Found myself on his website all the time until I got the cd. and i listen to his stuff everday. anthonydavidmusic.com.

Found Algebra on a website that leaks music. she's on myspace and kedar.com

I found Jon Bibbs by dating him in high school...lol... ok that wasn't on the circuit. But we are truly friends, he's a true blue dude. jonbibbs.com and on myspace.com.

Eric Roberson found him by accident, but got introduced to majority of his stuff my peeps. ericrobersonmusic.com

Kia El-Amin, she is the truth, jam found her at an open mic at our spot, Tropical Soul. Jam gave me a cd on one of my trips down to Va. I heard the first six bars and fell in love with her voice. We tried to work together, but it hasn't worked out. She's on myspace.com.

But recently i've discovered Velencia Robinson, she is too dope. Her song "Bye Bye Angel" is just a relaxing soul groove. if you get a moment check her out she's on myspace.com.

Music is dying... Save the music...

Lack of Respect...

2006-10-12T15:19:00.000-04:00

It's a very sad day when you lose all hope, trust, and respect in another human being. Well that has come and gone here at work for me. I told my management/directors I trust them as far as I could throw them. they don't respect me, nor do they value my position. To them everyone is replacable, no one is worthy of being here. An older co-worker of mine quit Monday. It was great. Told them to keep the job, he is much too old and paid way too many dues to be treated like a child. YES!!!!

I had another meeting about all the other meetings I've been having with them. This meeting was different to them because it summed up their previous meetings. Crock O ish.... This time they followed it up with an email to I guess make it official. I promptly forwarded it and my response to the email to HR. I said nothing in the meeting because my prick of an assistant director would try to disparage my issues, and dominate the conversation by raising his voice. So the response I sent was to the point and pointed the finger in the right directions...

Work

2006-10-03T11:52:00.000-04:00

I been going through a lot lately... hence the lack of posts on the blog...

Basically what's been going is my management/directorial staff is upset that i have been sick and not getting better. I missed five days in two weeks and they began to panic. But I told them that I would take a week off unpaid to get myself well and preserve my remaining sick/vacation days, if they just let me know how to go about it. They took more than a week and by that time I was at the height of being sick. I have no more sick/vacation days left. My director started to panic and got it in the managerial staffs head that i would probably have to be on bed rest for a while, so they all took that as the truth. Really what happened was my doctor called and explained that I would not be returning to work until I could breathe well. My director kept asking what was wrong, my doctor refused to tell her. So last Friday she got so uptight about the convo with the doctor, she decides I'm probably not coming back for a while, gets my other director in the mix and the two of them ransacked my desk looking for what they called "pending work".

I come in on Monday 9/25, still sick as dog, and they present me with a huge stack of paper and ask me to explain what all the papers were, piece by piece. So I had to make them feel stupid, 95% of it was to be thrown away, the rest was filing that i let pile up. then they got on me about some files i put in someone's office and how they found checks in the files. I said that wasn't true because i checked all the files to guarantee there weren't any, but some how someway there were three checks in the files that no one knows where they came from. So they said I shouldn't have put the files in that persons office because things like this happen and I would get the blame for it.

I went to HR on Monday as well. Our rep, which they didn't know I already am cool with her (soror), gave me the explanation of the FMLA leave and that from now all days off will count as that, unpaid of course. Our rep just got switched to our group so she wanted the low down on the goings on. i gave her the good version. Damaging to our bosses, yes very much so, but not the whole story. So she said she is going to implement some changes in the department and make it so my directors report everything to her every month.

It started out as a sinus infection, then an ear infection and seriously inflammed nasal passages. One of the infections got worse and affected the other infection casing me to get worse. And on top of all of this I'm pregnant. And according to my doc that is making it worse, something to do with my extra estrogen and progesterone casing the production od excess mucus in my sinuses. I'm not well still. But I have to come in here, and be a team player.

Five years ago today...

2006-09-11T09:46:00.000-04:00

I woke up at 8:30, had a 10 o'clock class to get ready for. But I was a little sluggish, so i stayed in bed till about 8:45. (first plane hit 8:46) Got up said my morning prayer, and hopped in the shower. Took a pretty long shower. (second plane hit 9:03) I got out ironed got dressed and realized I was running late. I usually turned on the tv to watch the news but for some reason that morning I didn't. I walked out and got in the car and instead of listening to the radio I popped in Jill Scott's live cd and sped off to campus. Campus was unusually quiet, I mean I was late but there was no life on campus. I parked and ran into the building. Dr. Farley was standing there with a weird look in her face and people were crying in class, i thought maybe we had all failed her class, she was known for doing that. I looked at one of my friends like "what happened?". She looked at me and said " You dont know do you?" "Know what" "Two planes hit the Twin Towers a few minutes ago" "Get the f^%k out of here" Cell phones started going off, more tears. People started to get up and leave. Dr. Farley said " This is no way to react, you have to remain calm. You have to hope for the best and not automatically think the worst. If you need to call family members do so, but you may not get through so just wait it out." The classroom emptied out quickly. Although we were in Virginia, more than 90 % of my class was from New York. We had family to call. most people ended up in the cafeteria or in Foster Hall watching the news replay the events over and over. I watched the hardest guys on camous be brought to tears. All the National Guardsmen/women, Reservists, and regular service men and women huddle up. And one by one their phones begin to ring, "Yes sir" was the answer, and more tears flowed. Fort Lee is about 10 minutes away and they were all called there. I waited and made my phone calls, my family was ok. I left campus around 1. went to my room and prayed for what seemed like forever. Still refusing to turn on the tv. I returned to campus around 3. Sat with Ms. Jones and watched the coverage in the lobby of Byrd Hall. Didn't really go anywhere, didn't really say anything for the rest of the day.

Five years ago today....

Wallet size...

2006-09-06T09:44:00.000-04:00

For a couple of years now I've been observing Hollywood, or rather the people who are a part of the lifestyle of Hollywood. It is very strange to me that these people live a life full of parties and lavishness all the time. Now I know that is probably not always the case, but I bet if there is a camera, many will show up.

These "Tinsel Towners" use their celebrity to bring focus and attention to their many charitable organizations. Yes the big names will bring out big wallets, but it seems to me that the celebs who play auctioneer or host to these events should be digging in their own wallets. Some of these celebs should be digging in their wallets as well. You hear on the entertainment shows "such and such hosted such and such charity event and raised $..........." Now most celebs can forfeit their paycheck for one episode of television or 10% of their pay for one movie and match or double what the charity event raised. not to say they do this with every charity they are affiliated with but it just makes sense to me that your name be used to the fullest capacity.

Just my thoughts...

2006-08-30T12:47:00.000-04:00

Been changing... my way of thinking, my way of action, just changing me...

All the things I should have told myself I'll share with you
maybe I was too young to know better
but no one told me the truth
would have saved five year old me alot of pain
but I'll impart my retrospect wisdom your way
Like gramma used to tell me
"Never sleep with shoes under the bed"
claimed it gave you nightmares
funny thing is my nightmares came all day long
in and out of the bed
and I rarely slept with shoes under the bed
I'll hold you till the nightmares go away promise
always told I was cute
didn't learn that I had to see me as beautiful first
until I had to face myself in the mirror
but I'll tell you everyday I swear
never wanted to give myself to anyone
I wanted to have all parts of me always
but I gave away pieces of myself
by accident, on purpose, sometimes unaware
had people staining the glass
stopped being able to see me
stopped the right one from seeing into me too
but I'll tell you hold on the every part of you
until the Worthy one makes himself known
and dont believe that shit about them all being worthy
Worthy One knows your/his worth and grows for having met you
Find a balance
learn when to run and when to walk
cry when necessary, but cry inside sometimes
sleep until you wake, stay awake until you sleep
dream, literally and figuratively
Some of this I'll have to learn...again
some of this I'll learn from you
we'll teach each other
We all we got...

Update I guess...

2006-08-28T15:02:00.000-04:00

Nothing really new to report... I'm supposed to be moving this weekend, got approved for an apartment started packing and the building owner pulled an okey-doke. So this week i'm scrambling to find an apt, I have to be out of mine by Friday...

Um my cousins and I hung out Saturday night. I listened to my cousin, the future political scientist, give me conspiracy theories about what really happened 9/11. It was great to watch her be compassionate about the subject, but not everything she said was logical. So I played devils advocate, since i do it so well, and knocked down her theories with my comments. She started to get frustrated, but she kept coming with it, and so did I . If it were an arguement, I would have won. But I'm glad to see she really is doing something with her time in the boonies. We watched Love Jones and analyzed the characters and such, it was great.

My boss is pissed with me today, oh well. I was late this morning and she thought I just neglected to call in, but not my fault the other managers don't keep her in the loop. When I walked in the department had all gathered in her office which is diagonal from my cubicle. I saw the gathering, but since I had just walked in I settled myself in before joining the group. I stood outside the door, and she was giving her end of the month "We're *.** million off of the target..." Doesn't apply to me really I reached my target three weeks ago. So, I was bored. Then out of the blue a chick walks by with a bowl cut and a rat tail, I started to gigle silently yo myself, my boss sees me and after the meeting calls the other managers in and asks why was I laughing at her. Please I have no time to laugh at my boss and as my manager told me, he knew that if I wanted to laugh at her I would have laughed in her face. TRU TRU!!!

Um that's about it...

I HATE IT HERE.....

2006-08-09T14:30:00.000-04:00

I hate corporate Amerikkka... with a passion. I can understna d why people go to jail dealing with this bullsit. The more and more I stay at my job, the more and more I can understand why people come into the office with loaded weapons. I hate coming here, I hate staying here all day, I hate the mundane work I do, I hate the fact that I'm thinking that I should just show up and do nothing all day, I hate that my efficientcy is seen as irritating, i hate that I don't get paid enough for thr work I do, I hate that there is no praise for meeting all targets and deadlinesand superceding those targets and deadlines month in and month out, I hate that the dribble of compensation/commission gets taken in taxes anyway so I don't miss it, I hate the coddling that occurs with tenured workers, I hate the scatch my back I'll scratch yours attitude these people have, I hate the blind eye to lack of intergrity, I hate the rules that are put in place for all to follow and the minute you adhere to the rules you aren't willing to bend, I hate that work gets escalated and then doesn't get done...

See right now I'm stuck... my plans to leave have been sidelined... I have more than one mouth to feed, and the benefits aren't half bad... ONLY STAYING UNTIL I CAN FIND BETTER!!!!!!!

2006-08-03T16:16:00.000-04:00

Subtle Racism...nothing subtle about it.

2006-07-31T09:28:00.000-04:00

There is a woman at my job that I used to like. I thought she was funny, in a crass kinda way. But the more and more I paid attention to her I realized that she is really a racist person. She is a 66 yr old Jewish (she a "holiday" Jewish woman I should say, only Jewish when she gets days off from work) woman, who refers to everyone by their race and or religion as a means of description.

When she tells a story its "That Black lady", "That Indian man", "That Muslim". It's really weird to me that she is like this, but at the same time it's weirder still everyone around her tolerates it. Excuses her behavior by saying she's old and doesn't know any better. She does know better, she's just is being herself. I could see if she saved the racism for at home among her family, but this old hefer uses it whenever, wherever, doesn't care if it's offensive or not.

I rarely speak to her now, and she doesn't know why. I don't have to explain myself. I just don't tolerate her or the shit that comes out of her mouth.

Nikhil Parekh... take a minute and take this in....

2006-07-27T16:25:00.000-04:00

Eternal Creation

The Parent’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to the child; but to irrefutably ensure that the infant was nourished with their breath and blood till the time it could unflinchingly fend for its symbiotic survival; was what the Almighty Creator had eternally created them for.

The Sun’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to light; but to irrefutably ensure that the rays optimistically enlightened even the most infinitesimally lugubrious cranny of remorsefully cloistered earth; was what the Almighty Creator had eternally created it for.

The Rose’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to fragrance; but to irrefutably ensure that the majestic resplendence ebulliently blossomed into the lives of countless haplessly beleaguered and bereaved; was what the Almighty Creator had eternally created it for.

The Peak’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to victory; but to irrefutably ensure that the royal triumph peerlessly massacred even the most ethereal iota of devilishness form this Universe; was what the Almighty Creator had eternally created it for.

Nature’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to newness; but to irrefutably ensure that the evolution metamorphosed every bit of egregiously stagnating ghoulishness into a sky of rhapsodic freshness; was what the Almighty Creator had eternally created it for.

The Cloud’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to rain; but to irrefutably ensure that the water stupendously ignited vivaciously iridescent life in every ingredient of hopelessly dying soil; was what the Almighty Creator had eternally created it for.

The Conscience’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to truth; but to irrefutably ensure that the righteousness insuperably conquered every trace of diabolical lies on earth and the atmosphere; was what the Almighty Creator had eternally created it for.

The Ocean’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to salt; but to irrefutably ensure that the tanginess wonderfully illuminated every treacherously spiceles and deliriously lackadaisical moment of life; was what the Almighty Creator had eternally created it for.

The Poet’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to fantasy; but to irrefutably ensure that the dream spellbindingly impregnates the winds of Omnipotent romance into monotonously monstrous robots; was what the Almighty Creator had eternally created him for.

The Lip’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to smiles; but to irrefutably ensure that the happiness altruistically perpetually perpetuates into every dwelling incarcerated in chains of murderous gloom; was what the Almighty Creator had eternally created it for,.

The Rainbow’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to vividness; but to irrefutably ensure that the color timelessly enshrouded every gruesomely befriended orphan; miserably deteriorating on the globe; was what the Almighty Creator had eternally created it for.

The Shadow’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to tranquility; but to irrefutably ensure that the peacefulness granted celestial reprieve to every bizarrely estranged soul squandering on this Universe; was what the Almighty Creator had eternally created it for.

The philanthropist’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to unity; but to irrefutably ensure that the oneness miraculously coalesced every spuriously staggering and cold-bloodedly fighting caste; creed and tribe into the unassailable religion of humanity; was what the Almighty Creator had eternally created him for.

The wind’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to freedom; but to irrefutably ensure that the liberation unequivocally freed every element of torturously enslaved earth till times immemorial; was what the Almighty Creator had created it for.

The night’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to sensuality; but to irrefutably ensure that the passion brilliantly transformed every speck of infertility into the chapters of everlastingly Omniscient procreation; was what the Almighty Creator had created it for.

The eyelash’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to flirtation; but to irrefutably ensure that the mischief serenely catapulted every fretfully frenetic organism into realms of impeccable childhood; was what the Almighty Creator had created it for.

The soldiers job just doesn’t end at giving birth to martyrdom; but to irrefutably ensure that the valor to timelessly serve the mothersoil; throbbed fearlessly in every chest; even centuries after his veritable death; was what the Almighty Creator had created him for.

The breath’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to life; but to irrefutably ensure that the exultation inexhaustibly transcended over; even the most inane anecdote of baseless corruption and demeaning death; was what the Almighty Creator had created it for.

And the heart’s job just doesn’t end at giving birth to Love; but to irrefutably ensure that the compassionate togetherness tirelessly bonded the entire planet into a paradise of Omnipresently unshakable strength; was what the Almighty Creator had created it for…

©copyright-2004, by nikhil parekh. All rights reserved.

2006-07-24T14:43:00.000-04:00

1+1=3....

Just my thoughts...

2006-07-24T14:13:00.000-04:00

We all have been glued to the TV screens for the past two weeks, but have you figured out what the fighting in Lebanon and Isreal is all about?

Well from what I gather its a problem that goes back to the times of Christ. I've studied this before in school, but a lesson learned in real time always lasts...

Jeruselem, undoubtedly the most sacred city in three religions... Islam, Judaism and Christianity. All three religions have been raging war to gain the right to call this city their own... becoming martyrs for their religion...

Arab/Islamic countries simply want Isreal wiped off the face of the earth. Not only the country, but it's people as well. All because they believe Isreal and its people have taken land to form their country( became a country in the 1940's), but according to the Koran and all the Islamic teaching the land does not belong to the Christians or the Jews. But the Jewish people have their own claim to the monuments/shrines. So it is a battle that will never be won under any circumstances. Because just when on religion fight s and defeats another religion, there is still one more to go.

My question is: If the governments of these countries know that Hezballah and Hamas are terrorists who are only looking out for those who share the same ignorance... how then does the government allow more than 10 of its Parliament seats go to these terror groups? Where the hell did that make sense...

The fighting is unfortunate, the casualities are a dire reality. But Amerikkka has its own agenda concerning the outcome of this recent fight. Our economy is reliant on goods and services provided by these people. And Bush being an oil man, has a personal agenda that no one seems to be addressing. Instead the media refers to it as the "US's democratic agena" or "US's diplomatic agenda"... Bullshit... The only agenda is oil...

Condoleeza has made her way into the region... like that will make a difference... She is a fiugre head for GW's ignorance... The few times her voice has been her voice, it had reason and due thought. But lately she has been disappointing me with her repeated rhetoric, it sounds very rehearsed and very GW-like.

OK I'm done for now....

Just For Today... I am gonna shine....India.Arie

2006-07-14T13:33:00.000-04:00

Just for today
I will not worry what tomorrow will bring
No-o.
I’m gonna try something new
Gonna walk through this day
Like I’ve got nothing to prove
Yeah-ee (yeah)
Although (yeah) I've got the best attentions (yeah)
can't predict anyones reaction (yeah)
So I’ll just do my best (yeah)
Ill put (yeah) one foot in front of the other (yeah)
Keep on moving forward (yeah)
Let God do the rest (hey)

I don’t know what’s gonna happen
That’s alright with me
I open up my arms and I embrace the mystery
I don’t know what’s gonna happen
That’s alright with meI open up my arms and I embrace the mystery

Just for today- I’m telling the truth like its going out of style (yeah)
Gonna swallow my pride
Gonna be who am I and I don’t care who don’t like it (yeah)
I feel (yeah)

Feel (yeah) that I’ll do it anyway (yeah)
Wont let it stand in the way (yeah)
I know what I must do (yeah yeah)
There’s no (yeah) guarantee that it’ll be easy (yeah)
But I know that it’ll beat the feeling (yeah)
Its time for me to show improve (yeah) yeah yeah
It’s okay not to know
Exploration is how we grow
It’s ok to not have the answer
Coz sometimes
It’s the question that matters … yeah

I don’t know what’s gonna happen
That’s alright with me
I open up my arms and I embrace the mystery
I don’t know what’s gonna happen
That’s alright with me
I open up my arms and I embrace the mystery.

and my future is a mystery... cant wait to turn the page on the next chapter... its life altering... this much I know to be true...

Celebrity...

2006-07-12T09:32:00.000-04:00

Yesterday the General and I went to get some sneakers. Foot Locker is literally around the corner from our job so we went in. As we were paying for his shoes, there was a noise behind us, almost like a girlish yelp, but ew both knew there were on guys standing in the store. So I turned around and there was Spike Lee walking down the aisle of the store. He was cool, calm, collected. The girl at the checkout's eyes almost popped out of her head, and she got this weird like star-struck smile on her face. Spike was busy picking up a new limited release Jordan bag. The Foot Locker employee that was manning the door ran next door to Tempo, and told the kids who were working there and like three of them came into the store to stare at him. We laughed at their juvenile excitement. Some even snapped secret pics with their Sidekicks.

This is New York City, The Village in particular, you are bound to see celebrities all times of the day, in stores shopping like the rest of us. The area around my office has been in countless movies. The Interpreter, Hitch, 16 Blocks and some that wont be released till next year have been filmed here since started working for my company. So i'm an expert at being cool in the presence of celebs. It also helps that I work for Billboard Magazine and MTV has a floor, we get celebs all the time in the building.

It was just funny to me...

Emotional Rollercoaster.... again...

2006-07-06T13:35:00.000-04:00

These are random thoughts if they make no sense to you imagine how I feel...

Disappointment seems to find me purposely to rattle my good nature... People disappoint me so. Constantly. Just when you think someone will be better do better, they choose otherwise and say crap like " That's just me, its the way I am"

Generational curses exist. mark my words... old folks say its in the blood... I say its in the imprint, the genes...

How many times can you play with fire before you get burned... I just found that out...

Premium...

2006-06-27T13:15:00.000-04:00

I had the pleasure of attending this premier. The movie was great. A few things here and there I would have tweeked or done different, but this was Pete Chatmon's vision, not mine, so I digress. The were minor celebs there, mostly producers, casting directors, managers, and agents though. Zoe Saldana was there for the movie and then bounced. Networking at its finest.

"Black Girl Pain"

2006-06-08T09:45:00.000-04:00

"My mama said life would be this hard
Growin up days as a black girl scarred
In every way still we've come so far
They just know the name they don't know the pain
So please hold your heads up high
Don't be ashamed of yourself know I
Will carry it forth til the day I die cause
They just know the name they don't know the pain, black girl"

(Black Girl Pain- Talib Kweli Featuring Jean Grae: The Beautiful Struggle album)

I love this song! The reasons are endless, boundless, and words cannot express the depth I feel the pain...

Scared to look up in the mirror
Black girl, please take a peek
the face you wear, was here before
your mothers had it, your fathers had it
millions have worn that face
Yet you wont take a peek
look at yourself, my love
with the rebirth of generations
the scars have healed
Smile Beautiful Girl
smile for them
show your appreciation for their gift to you
I know that pain, I wore it for most of my life
the mirror and I are still only acquaintances
but everyday I look at myself
and say thank you to the ancestors
for the face they chose to give me
smiling knowing I am the gift
no more tears Sweetheart
no ore Black Girl Pain, no more Black Girl Scarred
live Black Girl Pride
Black Girl Hope
Black Girl Love
Black Girl Peace
You are the reflection they hoped for,
the woman they bled for
the woman they died for
Baby Girl, you are the air they breathed
they named you way back before the shps and shackles
take your name, take your pride
walk tall Black Girl
no hanging your head in shame,
shaming the elders with lack of realization of you
be gorgeous Black Girl
look in the mirror baby
I'll look too
We living Black Girl Glory now...

Predisposition...

2006-05-31T17:31:00.000-04:00

Predispose: to incline or influence beforehand; to make susceptible.

That word just sounds like something bad is about to happen. They say we are all time bombs walking, waiting for the boom. We are all predisposed to some disease and or condition from birth. Family histories of sed diseases/conditions give you a 50/50 chance of developing/contracting sed disease/condition.

Black people in general are predisposed to high blood pressure, testicular cancer, sickle cell, colon cancer, thyroid conditions, and diabetes among others. But we do nothing to stop the cycle. Myself included. I'm diabetic, I do as the doctors say, and yet it isnt improving. It has yet to get to a good place. Now they have to check to make sure my pancreas isn't malfunctioning. Oh Joy!

As strong as our familial histories may be we need to join the fight in finding cures and eradicating these disesases/conditions.

WAKE UP... WE ARE KILLING OURSELVES JUST AS FAST AS WE ARE KILLING EACH OTHER!

Please say a prayer for me....

2006-05-30T16:48:00.000-04:00

I just found out that one of my coworkers has been diagnosed with breast cancer. According to her doctor the tumor is large and will require the removal of the whole breast. I have been praying that this was not going to be the outcome, but it seems the devil wishes to test the Lord's people yet again. I am writing to ask you to remember Mrs. Jackie in your prayers.

Good things always seem to happen to bad people and the worst of the worst always seems to find it's way to those who do not deserve it. This woman is a fellow believer and is nothing but kindness and love personified to all whom she touches. She is far from deserving of such a fate. I know that if this is God's will for her to undergo this trial it is not up to us to try and change it; but we can ask for His loving mercies and his tenderness to rest upon her and her family as they are going through this trying time. The devil had his glory and chose to give it up. Because of his coniving ways we are also made to suffer. But because we know the Truth and the Way lies within the Word, let us seek it out. Let us look to the ONE who can help us, the ONE who will deliver us; for He is the only way to salvation.

Remember each other in your prayers, though you may not know each other personally, we are all family in the house of our father. As one grieves we all grieve, and as one celebrates we all celebrate...

Are you phukin kidding me?

2006-05-25T16:20:00.000-04:00

Judge rules sex offender is too short for prison 5-foot-1 man gets 10 years probation for sexual assault of a child
The Associated Press
May 25, 2006

SIDNEY, Neb. - A judge said a 5-foot-1 man convicted of sexually assaulting a child was too small to survive in prison, and gave him 10 years of probation instead.

His crimes deserved a long sentence, District Judge Kristine Cecava said, but she worried that Richard W. Thompson, 50, would be especially imperiled by prison dangers.

"You are a sex offender, and you did it to a child," she said.

But, she said, "That doesn't make you a hunter. You do not fit in that category."

Thompson will be electronically monitored the first four months of his probation, and he was told to never be alone with someone under age 18 or date or live with a woman whose children were under 18. Cecava also ordered Thompson to get rid of his pornography.

He faces 30 days of jail each year of his probation unless he follows its conditions closely.

"I want control of you until I know you have integrated change into your life," the judge told Thompson. "I truly hope that my bet on you being OK out in society is not misplaced."

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.
© 2006 MSNBC.com

Emotion Management... Ms. Tracey where are you when I need you...

2006-05-23T10:39:00.000-04:00

I was ordered my senior year of high school to complete an anger management course in order to avoid being suspended for enciting a riot. (I didn't encite anything, the chick wanted to fight me and I stood up for myself in a firm and public manner that caused two lunchrooms to empty to see the goings on.) I knew before that I had an anger issue. It was a combination of genes, outside influence and victimization. I was a ralatively calm individual, but when I was highly irritated or became angry it was as though I blacked out. Found myself lashing out violently, and verbally bashing anyone in my path. I've cussed out friends, enemies, teachers and family. Very few people had ever called me on my shit.

The first was Mrs. Straker. She was my role model (she still is), I wanted to be her when I was 8 (still do). She took me in the hall and gave me the business about myself. Took the ruler to my hands like should have. but with her it was out of love, I saw tears in her eyes and i shaped the hell up!

Then there was Mrs. Walke. This was the first teacher that never gave me a second chance. I was a staright A student who got suspended once a quarter because I didn't act right. And she was quick to call home too.

Mrs. Morton was next, she was all of 4'11 but she was a giant in my eyes. Helped me find my writing bug. She forced me to do better. I failed so many paers and tests in her class it wasn't funny. Any other teacher would have passed students with flying colors with the stuff I'd written, but she knew it was a half ass job on my part and she failed me because of it. it forced me to write better, research more. It was great.

Mrs. Tilton, Mrs. Minadakis, Mrs. Dalton, Mrs. Land... they all did it...

Ms. Boldt (the former Mrs Lewis) was my favorite... Threw me into some lockers and gave me the business! Cussed me out for not living up to my "academic prowess" as she called it. She is one of the only teachers i see from time to time to update her on my life.

Ms. Tracey was my confidant, my counselor, my friend. She would call me on my backward thought processes, make me really think through my issues, helped me find the solution for me. i'd show up in her office unannounced, sit in a chair she had set up just for me, and sit through all of my classes talking with her tryng get my emotions in check. We'd walk through campus and discuss life, love and everything else that was on my mind. For two years she and I worked diligently to get me centered. And since the last time I saw her I've grown in many ways, but I think I got something twisted. I found myself unwilling to share my emotions so much, became jaded with emotional give and take, and decided to internalize my emotions and I've almost worked myself into a peptic ulcer. According to my doctor.

Ms. Tracey... I need you big time...

Accountability... Where were his parents/guardians?

2006-05-23T09:27:00.000-04:00

By JENNIFER 8. LEE and ANN FARMER
Published: May 23, 2006

An 8-year-old Brooklyn girl was killed yesterday afternoon after she was pinned on the sidewalk underneath a runaway school bus in Crown Heights, the police said.

The bus had been left empty and legally parked by the driver while he went to lunch, the police said. An 8-year-old neighborhood boy, who witnesses said had entered the empty bus with a companion before it started moving, was taken in for questioning, the police said.

The victim, Amber Sadiq, was crossing Nostrand Avenue near Crown Street with her 10-year-old brother at 3:16 p.m., the police said.

The school bus had been parked north of that intersection but started moving down a slight incline.

The bus gathered speed as it moved across the intersection, and it hit Amber about 100 feet from where it had been parked, the police said. The brother was not injured.

"She tried to run but the garbage can was in the way," said Kassandra Polanco, 12, a witness.

The bus swerved onto the sidewalk, pinning Amber underneath.

A group of 20 to 25 neighbors tried to lift the bus off her, witnesses said.

"Someone in the crowd was yelling, 'One, two, three,' and it wouldn't move, it was heavy," said Sulanch Lewis, a witness. A nearby Con Edison truck with a crane on it was used to lift the bus.

"But she looked dead and we were just crying," Ms. Lewis said.

Amber was taken to Kings County Hospital Center, where she was pronounced dead at 3:40 p.m., the police said.

The driver, Jean Lima, had parked the bus and taken a brown-bag lunch down the block to JRN Realty to eat with a friend, Richard Joseph. The police said they were not sure whether the front door of the bus had been locked; the back door, an emergency exit, cannot be locked. The operator of the bus is Jofaz Transportation of Red Hook.

Witnesses said they had seen two neighborhood boys enter the bus. One of them, Safari James, 8, was taken in by the police for questioning, said Rosslyn James, 79, his grandmother.

Amber was in the second grade at Public School 161, her family said. She lived on Crown Street with her extended family, including her brother, Umar, and an older sister.

"She was just a happy kid all the time," said Lucy Caba, 29, her aunt. At the family apartment last evening, Umar was crying and trembling.

"I saw it happen and someone carried me home," he said, with tears on his face.

Neighbors described Amber and Umar as close. They would cross Nostrand Avenue twice a day, walking together the two blocks to and from school. They would sometimes play jump rope and basketball together outside.

Amber was a tidy, well-behaved girl, neighbors said. She would do her homework after school and be in bed by the time her mother, Reina, arrived home from work.

Her hair was always combed, said Christen Delacruz, 14, who lives in the building. Her clothes were always ironed and she was always on time for school, he said.

By evening, a makeshift memorial had been set up at the intersection where the accident occurred, which had votive candles, furry teddy bears and a shiny pink pillow that said, "I love you."

One neighbor, Sheena Rose, left a card with a poem that read: "You could make anyone laugh if they were having a bad day. No matter how sad I was, you could take the hurt away."

Al Baker contributed reporting for this article.

When I was younger growing up here in New York was an experience. Taking buses and trains with kids my age, but always chapparoned by an older cousin, aunt, tantie (that lady that's so close to your mom and family she might as well be your blood relative), grandma. Someone always knew where I was. When we got in the house we had to call my mother and she systematically spoke to all of us to make sure we were all in the house. parents these days allow their latch key kids to dictate how and when they get home. the lack of supervision here is astounding to me. This is what happens when people who aren't ready to be parents get knocked up! I am so pained by this it's unbelieveable to me that it's real.

God bless her family and everyone who loved her.

Amber Sadiq RIP...

Sweet Justice- Jill Scott

2006-05-15T11:14:00.000-04:00

verse 1:
Sweeeeeeeeet Justice
Climb the Mountain
Though your hands maybe weary
Swim the ocean
Though your legs maybe tired
Run the extra mile
Though your stride maybe worn-down
Fight, Fight, Fight
Never surrender

Chorus:
Sweeeeeeeet Justice (repeat 1X)

verse 2:
Many sides to the same face
Searching, wanting their hour
So many colors in the spectrum of life
With right lies the powerS
truggle, Struggle, Struggle, StruggleS
truggle only makes a man stronger
If he believes within his heart then he can find it
He will find it

Chorus:
Sweeeeeeeet Justice (repeat 1X)

verse3:
Freedom the epitome of life
Lay your down your burden soldier
Study, study war no more, no more
Trust the soul that thrives within you
Hold strong to your faith
Continue, Continue, continue on, on

Chorus:
Sweeet Justice
Sweet Sweet Justice
Sweet Sweet
Sweeeeeet Justice
Sweeeeet Justice

He is for real... and I am blessed...

2006-05-01T09:06:00.000-04:00

I can run like a race for hours and hours and don't stop
I can float I can fly us to highest mountain tops
I can breathe you
I can drink your laugh,
I can
l can live on your smile
I can trip and but if I can fall into your arms
I can stay there my whole life

I can live
I can love
I can be better with you,
For real
I can hear
I can feel
I can see
I can tell,
you are for real

I can stare,
I can memorize your face, your hands, your hair
Every part of you,
I can cut off any loose ends and not even wanna keep a few
I can speak to you so honestly
I can't even run any game
I can hear a million angels singing in my ears
When I say your name

I can live
I can love
I can be better with you,
For realI can hear
I can feelI can see
I can tell
you are for real

I can't smile, can't dream like a child
Can't feel safe in the wide world without you
I can't go
can't disturb this flow
Can't begin to know what I would do
I can't see,
Can't find strength to be
rather not be me without you
I can't deal, I can't even feel without you
I'm not real

I can live
I can love
I can be better with you,
For real
I can hear
I can feel
I can see
I can tell
you are for real

Serena, did a tennis ball hit yo' ass upside the head? (excerpt from Serena's infamous interview)

2006-04-28T16:44:00.000-04:00

Ms. Williams we are all interested in your new boyfriend.

There is no new boy friend . I stopped playing with boys when I stopped dating black guys. I have a new man in my life and yes, he's white.

So you prefer to date white men instead of black guys?

Let's be real. If you are a successful black female you only have two choices....date outside of your race or date other successful black females.

Are you saying there are no successful black men to date?

Of course not but lets face it, if Oprah would date outside of her race she would be married with children now. The state of most black men is so low the only thing you can do is love them. Like a poor homeless dog. You can't expect it to protect you. You can only offer shelter and love and watch as our neighbor's pitbull protects his home and family. I, unlike Oprah, am not forced to stay within those boundaries. I was born into a new generation of black women.

So Oprah is being forced to date Stedman?

All I can say is when you find a successful black women who is not married and does not have children it is because they refuse to accept the two choices. Some may go as far as marriage to a black guy but they realize divorce is inevitable so they do not have children. Or they have children with one and don't marry in order to preserve their wealth and good credit. Oprah is one of many who silently protests being stuck with such poor choices by refusing to marry and reproduce but you can see how much it hurts her. She's always giving away money to children's charities. I hope she makes the choice to marry a non-black so on so she can have a child of her own.

But you have decided to accept the two choices?

Yes. I grew up in California around the two extremes of wealth. If I could only get my self to try the bisexual thing I would have been much happier in my relationships. Instead I dated black men. I loved many of them but they were just not suitable for marriage. Many of them were raised by women and had warped mentalities. So I finally had to date outside my race. When I moved to Miami, I accepted my status and dated men on my level.

What do you mean by warped mentalities?

Well, where do I begin? Many of them were raised predominantly by women and had this feminine/bisexual complex. Where they wanted to be treated like a female sometimes. For example, I would have the money & they would have the sex. I would teach them things. You know, all the things a woman likes a man to do, I would end up doing for them. Then if we would get into an argument, there would be a role reversal. All of a sudden, they would be the man wanting the respect of a king in his castle. Black men over the years have become less and less of value to black women both rich and poor. I predict in 10 years they will be obsolete. Now they serve little to no function and what little they can do, they don't want to do.

Why 10 years?

That's when going to a fertility clinic to get impregnated by a sperm donor will become as common and accessible as the flu shot. Women who want sex will do it with whoever they want (girl, guy, rich, poor, white ,black) and go to the bank (the sperm bank) when they are ready to have children. Even those who waited (like Oprah) will have fertilized eggs placed inVitro. That's the day the secret organization of women is waiting for. The day when men are 100% dis-empowered.

Are you apart of that organization?

No. They're a mostly white group. Plus that day for black men is practically here already. Black women are already raising 75% of the black population without a man. When fertility clinics become more affordable Black women will be standing in line. It will be just like plastic surgery. Everyone laughed at Michael Jackson but its becoming so popular now,that even poor blacks are getting work done...mostly breast reductions and liposuction.

So do yo u want men to be dis-empowered?

Heck, no! That's why I am with a white man now. I want a man to be a man and I am not going to settle for less just to stay within racial boundaries. A Black man in my position wouldn't do it so why should I. Don't get me wrong, I love black men. My father is black, I have dated black men all my life, and if I have a male child he will be part black. But my husband and I will raise him together so hopefully he will be a worthy choice for a worthy black female. Not the only choice, or "there's nothing better out there so I'll settle for this" choi ce. Wh en you are successful you want the best. The best food, clothes, places to live etc. I want the best man also.

And you think the best man is a non-black man?

I think i f ther e's a better choice for me, God would have shown me. I am in the public so I get to meet lots of people from all over the world athletes, celebs etc. I am wealthy so I am invited and have traveled to the most prestigious events all over the world. Out of all those people, places and events....I had to choose the right man for me. Like it or not (with very few exceptions) a white man is the only real choice for a successful black female.

From the mouths of Babes...

2006-04-28T12:06:00.000-04:00

March 13, 2006 -- YOUNGSTER'S BLACK-POWER POEM RILES SCHOOL

A 7-year-old prodigy unleashed a firestorm when she recited a poem she wrote comparing Christopher Columbus and Charles Darwin to "pirates" and "vampires" who robbed blacks of their identities and human rights.

Hundreds of parents of Peekskill middle- and high-school students received a recorded phone message last week apologizing for little Autum Ashante's poem, titled "White Nationalism Put U in Bondage."

Black lands taken from your hands, by vampires with no remorse," the aspiring actress and poet wrote. "They took the gold, the wisdom and all the storytellers. They took the black women, with the black man weak. Made to watch as they changed the paradigm of our village.

"Yeah white nationalism is what put you in bondage. Pirates and vampires like Columbus, Morgan and Darwin."

Autum was invited to speak at the Westchester schools on Feb. 28 by Melvin Bolden, a music teacher at the middle school who advises the high school's Black Culture Club and is a member of the Peekskill City Council.

Autum, whose rsum includes several television appearances and performances at the Apollo Theater and the African Burial Ground in Manhattan, told The Post that her poem was meant to instill pride in black students and to encourage them to steer clear of violence.

I don't think there's anything wrong with my poem. I was trying to tell them the straight-up truth," Autum said. "I'm trying to tell them not to fight because they're killing the brothers and sisters."

Autum, who is home-schooled in Mount Vernon and speaks several languages, prefaced her performance at the high school with a Black Panthers' pledge asking black youngsters to not harm one another.

It did not sit well with parents.

In a telephone interview with The Post, Bolden said Autum has been "unofficially" banned from performing in a district school again and that school officials would review transcripts of future speakers.

"It's unfortunate, because some teachers said they wanted this little girl to explain the things she said to their students, but some parents don't want her on school grounds," Bolden said.

"[The poem] might have been a little too aggressive for what the middle-school kids are ready to handle," Bolden added. Kimberly Greene, a mother of children in the high school and middle school, said she was shocked when she got the recorded phone message.

"If there are people who are upset about what she said, the schools should have talked about and analyzed it rather than send a message to everyone saying this little girl was offensive," Greene said.

Autum's father, Batin Ashante, said he can't believe the fuss over his daughter's poem. > > "She's a little girl who does poetry about real things. She doesn't do poetry about cotton candy," Ashante said. "She's a serious little person."

White Nationalism Put U In Bondage- Autumn Ashante

White nationalism is what put you in bondage
Pirate and vampires like Columbus, Morgan, and Darwin
Drank the blood of the sheep, trampled all over them with
Steel, tricks and deceit.> Nothing has changed take a look in our streets
The mis-education of she and Hegro - leaves you on your knee2grow
Black lands taken from your hands, by vampires with no remorse
They took the gold, the wisdom and all of the storytellers
They took the black women, with the black man weak
Made to watch as they changed the paradigm
Of our village
They killed the blind, they killed the lazy, they went
So far as to kill the unborn baby> Yeah White nationalism is what put you in bondage
Pirates and vampires like Columbus, Morgan, and Darwin
They drank the blood of the sheep, trampled all over them with
Steel laden feet, throw in the tricks alcohol and deceit.
Nothing has changed take a look at our streets.

Go MySpace.com

2006-04-21T09:13:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was Hitler's b-day... I would have never made mention of this had not been for the five teens in Kansas wanted to commemorate the day by repeating the tragedy at Columbine 7yrs ago. Their plan was found out because some one of the idiots posted something about it on their myspace page....and they were arrested on attempted murder and conspiracy charges.

On PBS last night they showed a documentary on Hitler's rise to power... It was interesting. He was the ultimate brain-washer. Whole countries backed him, because he sold his crack pipe, coke induced, brand of hate with such passion and conviction. It was weird. Why were people dying to be led, even if it meant being led into hell by the devil himself?

My favorite Quote this week is...

2006-04-20T12:10:00.000-04:00

" I'm the decider, that's what I do, make decisions"

--- George W. Bush

What a friggin IDIOT!

Long As Live- Jaheim

2006-04-20T11:03:00.000-04:00

(chorus)

long as i live i'll handle my biz, take care of our kids, cause loving you is what it is girl, long as i live, i vow to share with you, happiness and bliss, cause loving you is what it is1st

(verse)

with this ring i thee wed to share my life to share my home to share my heart and my bed, to not make you weak but strengthen you instead till death do us part, from this day forward, for all times baby, here on earth and where angels fly, gonna love you so much till it makes you cry with every beat of my heart.

(chorus)

long as i live i'll handle my biz, take care of our kids, cause loving you is what it is girl, long as i live, i vow to share with you, happiness and bliss, cause loving you is what it is

(verse)

before our God i'll take this vow, with family gathered around its official now, so take my hand and let's take a vow, and together we will win, a commitment to make, a sacrifice, i gladly give up i've made up my mind, for you being my friend, and being my wife, i'd do it all again

(special chrous)

wont you trust me, i will show you the type of man that was raised to be if you just let me, slide this ring on, up on your finger, cop the crib help raise the kids, yes i'll deliver, promise to never let you down, oh no, i promise to always be right there, i'll be around

(chorus)

long as i live i'll handle my biz, take care of our kids, cause loving you is what it is girl, long as i live, i vow to share with you, happiness and bliss, cause loving you is what it is

Ghostwriter... (Nat from Floetry)... dropping knowledge....

2006-04-07T09:10:00.000-04:00

"NO PRESSURE!!! This is a choice...I'm about to sell out...going without! I'm about to sell out being needy...I'm about to sell out the concept of 'just wanting to be comfortable'...I'm about to sell out the color coding of having and not having...I'm about to sell out the repressive nature that dictates externally non-realistic outlines of how to live in the moment that I exist in...I am selling out the crew that wants to stay where they are and keep me with them...I am selling out everybody who isnt ready, willing or able to do what needs to be done...move what needs to be moved...or do what needs to be done...2000&bricks...I am a hybrid...half of the them and half of the they...and ALL of the All!!! I am selling out the contract that I didnt sign to begin with...F U C K the guilt...I quit!!! yeah...I said it...I quit this harder route...this continual state of complaint and dis-satisfaction!!! No more...not on my watch!!!!

...It is impossible to sell myself out...that only exists in an illusionary reality...where some how I am a complete victim to the decisions I make..."I was forced to get what I want...I mean it...I didnt want it...it just happened...like a curse...someone in my family must have done something really wrong for me to be blessed like this...damn it!"... "

"Sometimes the shortest way between two points is a zig-zag line"

2006-04-03T10:35:00.000-04:00

That was the title of the sermon I heard yesterday. And it makes sense to me. I have had this experience many times in my life. When the most logical way seems the way to go, I get a prodding to go another way, and find out later had I done it the logical way I would have ended up in problems.

So I tell everyone: I zig as much as I zag and I like it like that...

It has worked out well for me, it continues to work well for me... Look at the General and I... we zigged-and-zagged all the way here, why not all the way to the alter? LMAO...

Ok here it goes....

2006-03-30T09:21:00.000-05:00

I think I have a really bad mean streak... for the past couple of days I've had the urge to punch people in the back of their necks when I'm exiting trains/train stations. People need to learn how to walk!

My work situation has gotten undesireable (putting it mildly)! People have decided to use me as a pawn in their battle of power and I odn't like being put in the middle of anyone's war. Not my place, not my style. But from January to now I've received a raise, been given more responsibility, have the authority to approve certain things, and I've just recently changed directors. And here lies my problem: My new director has seen my prowess and intellect and wants me to be utilized more, wants me to give my position completely up and hire someone to fill it and gives me control over 2million in accounts... um no! I will not be responsible for anyones money but my (future) husband and myself, period. I can't do it. I wont do it.

NeXt--->

Have you ever had a day where you were so sure of some thing that your mind answered all the questions before your ears heard them? Who knew love was that easy? I didn't, all my experiences to now have made it so it seemed way too hard... but I know better now.

So.................................................................................................................
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
#############################################
ok look below now......

It's official... I'm engaged! This was the news I was trying to tell you for the past couple of weeks! I just had to get some other ducks in a row before I put my business out there... The General and I are getting married.... WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The plans are being finalized as we speak... He is my beautiful surprise....

It's like yesterday
I didn't even know your name
Now today
You're always on my mind
I never could have predicted that I'd feel this way
You are a beautiful surprise
Intoxicated every time I hear your voice
You've got me on a natural high
It's almost like I didn't even have a choice
You are a beautiful surprise

Whatever it is that you came to teach me
I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we are written in the stars
I don't know what the future hold
But I'm living in the moment
And I'm thankful for the man that you are,
you are, you are

You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You are a beautiful surprise
You are an inspiration to my life
You are the reason why I smile
You are a beautiful surprise....

Matriarchal Pleadings...

2006-03-24T11:12:00.000-05:00

Wanted to say I love you and mean it
I may have said it once to you
Only because you said it first
And I felt obliged to agree
But I was waiting for my heart to really feel it
Before I said it to again
Without it falling out of mouth by force

I know you’ve had your own battles with love
I see the scars when you look at me
Wonder sometimes why they haven’t healed yet?
Or why you haven’t allowed them to?
Love is real, and it can heal all wounds
But the love you search for, you claim doesn’t exist
Even when you see it before your eyes
You are surrounded by it in your church
Your son and I are examples of unconditional love
How do you claim to be filled with the Spirit
And still refuse to recognize the light?
Still refuse to change?

I prayed for you last night
Asked that you find that peace you yearn for
All the voids in you be filled
All the pain be released
That you cry because you have to
That you become so filled by Him
All your ways those are not of Him
Make you so uncomfortable
You have no choice but to change

I wanted you to accept me
For who I am
All of my idiosyncracies
And my body art, my speech
I thought you had
But when the bump in the road came to your attention
You turned on me
Called me out of my name
Placed your pain on me as if I had harmed you
Wished you had never met me
And still I prayed for you
I still pray for you

I want to be able to hug you one day knowing
I’m hugging you, a healed woman of God
Hugging you with my whole being
Knowing you are hugging me back
With the same feeling

Maybe that day will come
Maybe it won’t
But I pray that it does
Despite what you think
I do like you as a person
Or at least what I knew of you before
I am willing to try to work on a relationship with you
If you are willing to
Still hoping that day comes
Wish it were yesterday
But tomorrow will suffice

We’ve all been hurt
Choice is whether to stay in that place
Or use it as a catalyst to find better, do better, be better
In my life
Better is the only goal
And I’d like to take my entire family there too…
And I wish you there
Smiling and laughing with the rest of us
I’ll even hold your hand on the journey
Pray with you when you aren’t strong enough to
Cry your tears for you
Be there as family should
I’ll love you

If you’ll let me…

2006-03-21T11:28:00.000-05:00

So much has happened in the last couple weeks I'm bursting with info... only issue is I've found that other people like to tell my good news... almost like my secrets and good news give them diarrhea of the mouth... it's crazy and exciting...

I finally got my screenplay critique back... basically I need to add 30-40 pages and I have to give some of the characters more depth.... oh and I have to put it into the correct format, which way harder than I thought it would be... I got a lot work ahead of me... but I'm motivated!!! Just need a new laptop... mine died... so this will be interesting how I get it done in a timely manner.

WE...

2006-03-14T09:17:00.000-05:00

We play ESPN 2K5 football together, and I sucked at first but he helped me get my game on. Now I have 4 Championships under my belt. ( and that's on Pro and All Pro level my friends... I aint no punk)

We cook together. I teach him little techniques passed down to me maternally. He makes really tasty rice (lol), we'll work on other menu items soon enough.

We sleep together. ( get ur mind out of the gutter, I mean literally sleep) We cuddle up and fall asleep together. It's familiar, its nice, its comforting to know I fit perfectly on his chest and in his arms.

We wake up smiling. I see his beautiful face, and smile. Knowing this is the face I will see for the rest of my life. He calls me beautiful first thing every morning. It solidifies my beauty, because I know he sees it everyday, whether i do or not.

We are best friends. We speak openly and honestly about everything, even the hard things most people keep hidden. We are homey lover friends. The way it should be.

He completes me, and I him. We say "we just are" when we try to explain ourselves and our relationship to anyone. Because to put into words the feelings, and the dynamic we possess, would be impossible.

We are because prayer works. We are because He wanted us together. So we don't question why, we know. There is no doubt Divine Providence has brought us together.

Opera...

2006-03-13T14:09:00.000-05:00

You'd think that a black girl from Brooklyn wouldn't appreciate such a regal form of music. But I do, always have... I even have a favorite recording:

Kathleen Battle & Wynton Marsalis " Baroque Duet"

My favorite song/cantata is:
"Seufzer, Tranen, Kummer, Not"
(from Ich hatte viel Bekummernis, Cantata No.21)
-- Johann Sebastian Bach

"Seufzer, Tranen, Kummer, Not,
Seufzer, Tranan, angstlichs Sehnen
Furcht und Tod
nagen mein beklemmtes Herz
ich empfinde Jammer, Schmerz
Seufzer, Tranen, Kummer, Not, etc"

translation:

"Sighs, tears, grief, misery,
Sighs, tears, timid yearning,
Fear and Death
Gnaw at my uneasy heart
I feel distress and pain
Sighs, tears, grief, misery, etc"

Yes I know its a depressing cantata, but it is beautiful to me... her voice makes you feel the pain... check it out....

To Be Young Gifted and Black

2006-03-13T12:28:00.000-05:00

Apart from anything else, I wanted to be able to come here and speak with you on this occasion because you are young, gifted and black. ... I, for one, can think of no more dynamic combination that a person might be.

The Negro writer stands surrounded by the whirling elements of this world. He stands neither on the fringe nor utterly involved: the prime observer waiting poised for inclusion.

O, the things that we have learned in this unkind house that we have to tell the world about!

Despair? Did someone say despair was a question in the world? Well then, listen to the sons of those who have known little else if you wish to know the resiliency of this thing you would so quickly resign to mythhood, this thing called the human spirit. ...

Life? Ask those who have tasted of it in pieces rationed out by enemies.

Love? Ah, ask the troubadors who come from those who have loved when all reason pointed to the uselessness and foolhardiness of love. Perhaps we shall be the teachers when it is done. Out of the depths of pain we have thought to be our sole heritage in this world—O, we know about love!

And that is why I say to you that, though it be a thrilling and marvelous thing to be merely young and gifted in such times, it is doubly so, doubly dynamic—to be young, gifted and black.

Look at the world that awaits you!

Write if you will: but write about the world as it is and as you think it ought to be and must be—if there is to be a world, the beginning of writing and talking—but write to a point. Work hard at it, care about it.

Write about our people: tell their story. You have something glorious to draw on begging for attention. Don't pass it up. Use it.

Good luck to you. This Nation needs your gifts.

Perfect them!

--Lorraine Hansberry May 1964