love is alive in me, and the ish wont go away, everyday a new reason to love deeper

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. - Anais Nin

Two men in my life have evoked a love so deep in me I cannot explain. For them, impossible doesn't exist. If they only knew what the love I have for them entails, what I am willing to sacrifice and lose to be with them, they would love me back. But as fate and circumstance would have it, neither of them accept the love I have offered... both complain its too much and its scary to have someone love them that much.

Man #1 has been my friend since we were 5. one day my brother threw a basketball at him, and busted his lip. His lip was swollen and scabby, but he was still so beautiful to me. I kissed him and told him I did't care that he looked like that, and if he had to look like that forever, I'd still kiss him. We were six. i told him I was going to marry him and love him and have his babies. Little did he know that at six I was serious as a heart attack. And I found the feeling never really died, just got channeled... I loved him from a far always, didn't tell him until three years ago though. We tried it, it was cool. Tried for 18 months to get it right and it just wouldn't because, he wouldn't let it. It remained non serious. One day he told me that he didn't think he could be the man I wanted. Said I was a diamond, and that he couldn't afford me, window shopping was all he could do when it came to me. And we've remained friends, no love lost. I still love him strong just can't allow myself to be stuck though. We love differently, romantic love cannot exist here, we make better friends I guess...

Man #2 has been in my life for almost 4 years, and I love him for so many reaosn I cannot explain fully. He doesn't know how to accept my love, almost does things so he doesn't have to thinking I'll withdraw the feeling. But I love strong. I have seen him at his lowest and at his best. We make beautiful love, and we click. But he's never been loved like this and he's waiting for me to walk away, and finding every excuse to want to make me. But I've stuck it out with him this long. When I praise him or compliment him he shrinks from the comment. I wish he wouldn't though. He has moved me in a direction I like. Makes me smile everyday. His innocence is refreshing, his mind is a wonderland. But he wont let me love him, wont let me in all the way, I just get snippets and one day passes into his world... I know he wants to love me, but he's so afraid. I can't push him, he has to reach out for my heart on his own. And I've been here willing and able...

Both of them have left me alone in love. All Alone! searching for love... I'm ready... a model advocate for love... Here I am waiting... how long will I wait, search... or is alone my only hope!?


Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,

But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

-Bertrand Russel