PSA... the following entry will be ridddled with explitives and one or two racial slurs, but "if the cap fit wear it"

I've never been this hype to write a blog entry...

Oh but today is the dawn of a new era...

The last couple weeks I've been I've been feeling off balance, and real uneasy inside. I knew something was coming, like I was going to go through something and be forced to make a change... normally when I feel like that I go and do something crazy, go out drinking or smoke a funny cigarette to ease the feeling, to cloud it actually... but I didn't do that this time, I let the feeling marinate... and it hit me yesterday...

I was having an IM convo with a friend of mine, he was saying some really left field ish to me, but he was oh so confused about what he thought was my issue. I chose not to correct him because it was too funny...

So the following will be very hurtful to some, enlightening to many, and especially disturbing to a few...

I got on the train last night and I pilled the Ipod out and shifted through some music, and felt something telling me to go to a particular song. Kinda felt like I was watching myself do it, out of body experience... JIll Scott's first album, "One is The Magic #"... now I know I probably heard this song literally half a million times, but it finally hit me last night that that song was what I truly needed...

No hay nadie mas que yo, uno es el numero magico En vida y en muerte, uno es todo...comprende

If I multiply 2 times 2 is it really, really 4 me
And if I add 5 to get 9 minus 8 that just leaves me
So many times I define my pride through somebody else's eyes
Then I looked inside and found my own stride, I found the lasting love for me
If I'm searching for my spirituality passionately I must begin with me
There's just me...
One is the magic number
If I add myself unto myself multiplied times you and yours and you again
There's just me And if I divide 8 billion, 48 trillion, 98 zillion
There is... there is just me
If I subtract one plus me to the 5th degree, use any theorem
There's just me
There's just me...One is the magic number
Me, me, me, me...

It finally made perfect sense to me... all the love I have searching for in someone else, I had inside of me for myself the whole time, just took me 24+ years to find it. The man I've been looking for to love me as much I do may exist, but I dont think he can match the love I have inside me for him pound for pound. So self-love is the best option for me... and I finally let a lot of ish go. I laughed so haed on the train people probably thought I was crazy, but I did'nt care I had an awakening last night and all that matters is just me. The person I am looking for is me, the one I want to be in love with so badly, is me!

So I have a few SWIFT FU's for some folks...

if you recognize yourself in this list, then that FU was meant for you...

-To all the men I have ever loved before, you all get a swift FUCK YOU!
Finesse- yeah you get it because you wanted to change me into something I'm not so FUCK YOU
D-nero- you get it because I stood there with my heart in my hand basically begging you to see in me all you ever wanted, and you punked out on me, so FUCK YOU
Dragon- you get it because you didn't let yourself be yourself and trust me, so FUCK YOU
Journeyman- yeah you get it because you didn't recognize that in all the blog entries I've written in the last almost two months were inspired by you, were about you, the "he" I keep referring to is you. You wont allow yourself to see the good in you that i do. I have been here all this time falling love with you from afar.

To all of my so called friends, peoples, home boys/girls, sister girls, big bros... all of you get a swift FUCK YOU too...
I've bent over backwards for you guys, lent money, listen to you cry about ex's who've wronged you, should of told you I thought you were dumb for staying, stupid for thinking he/she would love you more if you did more, but I didn't, you had to learn on your own. I got the early morning crying spell calls, and listened and gave advice to which you turned our back. You've used me to gain access to other people, thinking I could better at gauging their feelings for you, I should have hung up, but I didnt'. And you havent learned the lesson yet. Your an option not a priority... So FUCK YOU! When it was my turn to bitch and moan, no one had the time to care or comfort me... You were willing to take and take from me but never willing to give the same in return.....So FUCK YOU for that too....

To all the people who have ever made me feel inferior- FUCK YOU
To all the people who've made me feel less than I am- FUCK YOU
To all the people who've never said thank you- FUCK YOU
To the lazy ass chink at work- FUCK YOU
To my father for being absent my whole life- FUCK YOU
To my employer for being so damn unfair- FUCK YOU

To all the people that I care so much for, and turn around and hurt me-FUCK YOU

There are few people who are left off of this list... to you I extend my deepest gratitude. You have no idea how much you truly mean to me....

So thank you Ms. Jones, Ms. Cheatham, JamLuv, My Brothers Stick and Mouse, my other brothers and sisters (too many of you to name), ChAn, to all the the people who write the songs that move me... You all have given your honesty, your time, your ear, your hearts without a want or need for repayment... Your love is given without condition and I adore you all for it....

If you recognize yourself in these lists please feel free to cuss me out... I can dish and I can take it...


**** since I'm being cussed out****

You people are missing the point of this entry... I needed to vent, get a grip, suck it up and do better...