Back burner issues have to be dealt with...

That temperment thing is kinda harsh... wow!

Anywho...

This weekend I detoxed, not literally, but figuratively. My silent hell, the only voices in my apt are my own and the ones coming from my ipod and the tv... no cell-phone right now....

I sat down and cried a lil, died a lil, got mad a lil, slept a lot, cooked a lil, walked a lil, sat in silence and listened A LOT, took some time to pay attention to the emotions I kept putting off to deal with later.

Well, long weekend= later.

So I dealt with them. All of them.

Decided not to wait on love as much, I have to do for me. I became lethargic after my last break up. I didn't want to do much. All the decisions to end it, weren't mine. Someone else made them for me. I hate not having a choice, but I didn't fight it either. I couldn't fight for it, for him; because he wouldn't and couldn't fight for me. I tried to move on with someone else. A past love of sorts, he left as well. His ego was bruised by me, and he still hasn't forgiven me. I had to be honest about some things and him leaving was the penalty of my honesty. Now again I'm alone, sorta by choice, more so by circumstance. I want love, period. The package it comes in should be asthetically pleasing, at least a lil bit...

I realized as well sometimes people hear what they want to hear sometimes. If you explain something to someone in a clear and concise manner, what they hear may not be what you said. I realized that in a recent argument I had with sommone. I clearly explained the way I feel about a certain situation to them months ago, but what I said had to be reitterated recently. But when I initially said it to them they took their own interprtation as truth, rather than really listening to what I said. The second tome around it made sense because they decided to really pay attention to the words coming out of my mouth. Had they listened the first time it would have avoided the downward spiral that occured from the insecurities they felt. I can't blame myself for that.

I solidified the "There's Just ME" attitude. Had to. No one else cares about Ms. Jones' emotions like I do. So I gotta do for me, myself, and I!!!

I have to be disciplined. I half ass so much in my life. I have to stay diligent and disciplined. I have to not rely totally on will power, I have to put in the effort in. I've been working on like five screenplays, well actually three physically, two are still formulating in my head. My laptop is being looked at by a technician. Still waiting to hear the verdict. So I've been writing them by hand. This is hard work. But I've been putting work in everyday, for at leat three hours a day. So when the dream comes true, I can say I worked for it, it wasn't handed to me.

I have to be disciplined in my work-out routine as well. Been half assing the gym for the past month. I can count on one hand how many times I've been since November. Had an excuse of being sick, no more excuses. So I wrote up a plan. To get my body back to the shape I like. Back to the physique of the athlete I used to be. I gotta do that for myself, no one else will help me. I got motivate myself daily to go. I created an eating chart, I have to remember portion control. I don't eat alot as is, but sometimes when I'm hungry I'll have one big meal for the entire day. Now I know better, smaller meals more freaquently helps. And my flaw of all flaws... eating breakfast. I usually don't. But I have vowed to remember to do it every morning from now on.


I shed my hurt feelings. Recent and past hurts. I put the hurt in God's hands and asked for help in healing. I need a healing, big time! I realized what hurts I still held on to, asked myself why and was honest in my answers, and I released them as the answers came out.

I'm healing...

"I release all these disappointment
From my mental, physical, spiritual and emotional body
Cause I know that spirit guides me
And love lives inside me
That's why I today I take life as it comes" India. Arie