What more can I say....

The situation with my "friends" is at a stand still, I was told I was being unfair....blahblahblah.... But as fate would hae it I wasn't....

I lost someone very close to me last week and I've been trying to act like it didn't happen. I been sleeping at her house for days and I wake up each morning waiting to hear her voice, or see her peeking in the doorway, or sitting at the head of the kitchen table with her Bible and devotional. But she hasn't been there, she wont be there tomorrow, or any day from now on, and it feels weird. I was so used to her being there, her not there doesn't make sense. I have yet o cry, probably because its still not real to me. I got an incling of what the funeral will be like for me. I was helping my cousin put together the program for the service, I typed away fixing and making it look nice. It wasn't until I printed it out and actually paid attention to what I had to type that it hit me, and I quickly found myself feeling the pain, I didn't like it so I got up and walked around and gathered myself. I couldnt sit there to feel it, it hurt too much. So i've been exhausting myself to avoid tears and to avoid breaking down. I need to be strong for everyone else right now. Doing what I can to make this as carefree and easy so they can grieve as a family. I know seeing her in the casket will probably make me lose my mind. The last time this happened, I didnt cry until the day of the funeral, and I couldnt help but lose it. That time the girl was 13 and she died in a freak accident when i worked at a summer camp. I stood strong until it came time to see the body and it all hit the fan and i was changed forever. now to have this happen is killing me softly and slowly.

My cousins have been consoleing everyone else, and giving them encouraging words and keeping face. But I know in their quiet times they grieve in their own way. I'll grieve too, just not right now... it will hit me and it will hurt like hell... wish it was like Bob marleys song, " ...when it hit you feel no pain"