letting go...

This morning I feel like Samson after the hair-cut... Loss of power, loss of strength, loss of my will to fight... I feel like I could crawl in a corner and just cry. Tired of being strong to day, I want to be vulnerable, actually I am right now. I dont want to stand stoic, I want to have worry lines drape my face today. I want to just feel, feel the worry feel the pain, feel the anxiety of the unknown, feel anything other than strong. I dont want to appear strong, I dont want to seem like I got it under control. I am mess on the inside, a complete and utter mess. i can regurgitate all of the "don't worries" I've said to others but it wouldnt edify me, they fall on deaf ears and heart. I want to soak my pillow with tears, I want to be an insomniac with worry on the mind, I want to know that doing and being all of this is ok... because I am and I will be all of this today, maybe tomorrow too, could be for a while... i want to let go of my image of being unscathed by life, like I can go through every and any thing stright faced and hopeful in the face of defeat. I can't anymore, I wont any more.