Working...

Life is a funny thing. As much as I have seen in life, and as many places that I have been, I do acknowledge that I don’t know it all. This week has been a constant reminder of this. People do what they know how, people live the way they have always unless they make a constant effort to change it. It’s hard yes but at this point we are too grown, age wise, to not go beyond that. Age is nothing but a number; it does not equal maturity or intellect. This is something I have to constantly be aware of. I keep thinking that people that have been through things, and are grown that they know how to deal with life when it comes to them full force. How sad it is to know that they do not.
Yesterday I was made so angry I felt myself going to the “bad place”. This is that place where I black out and cause harm to others and myself. Be it physical, emotional, and spiritual. I felt my mind come to a complete halt. My body tensed up and I began to sweat and breathe heavily. I know for myself, that I do have an anger problem/issue; hell it is my demon. It is the one thing in my life that can ruin me. It has gotten the best of me so many times. I shoved many blessings in disguise right back in God’s face and acted like I didn’t care when I realized what I had done. The “bad place” is somewhere I can lose myself. The person I have strived to become. The person that is more than that, bigger than that. I have had help for this situation, sat on many couches and tried to find the source, to figure out away to defuse myself before I get to that place. For the most part the work I put in helped. But there have been a few situations in the past 10 yrs that have angered me to the point to losing it. Its almost like I go outside of myself and watch it all happen knowing I wouldn’t want to be the recipient of what is happening. But I am the one doing it. I can’t stop it fast enough.

Yesterday the same stupid co-worker that has been the thorn in my side decided to berate me publicly in the office and to attack me on a personal level…

The meeting, in my mind, did not allow for all sides of the story to get out. She berated me publicly and then in the privacy of the meeting continued to attack me personally, calling me a “spoiled brat that wants everyone to do everything for me.” “ And “ that you sit there all high and mighty” This is and was unprofessional. If the problem we have in work related let it stay that way. If it is personal let it also stay personal and be discussed when we are not in the work environment. She could not separate her personal feelings from the professional work that needed to be done, thus causing what was a cordial work relationship to now sour beyond repair, and has created a hostile working environment.

In all of my working years I have never been berated and embarrassed by any of my co-workers, colleagues, management. I have held management positions in everyone one of my jobs and in each was required to at times scold an employee, but I have never done this publicly, nor have I ever attacked someone personally. Whatever issues Maria has with me she should have addressed them to me in private. There are more than enough conference rooms and offices to discuss this in a professional manner. Maria chose otherwise and turned something that was private into a public spectacle.

My perceived “attitude” she referenced on several occasions in the course of the meeting, goes both ways. For someone to constantly be abrasive, condescending, banal and dictative toward you, will naturally cause you to react the same way, or to be on the defensive when speaking to him or her. Respect given when received. In all of the arguments She has pointed the finger at me completely, never once taking responsibility for her actions and her attitude toward me. There many instances where she has come to me to show me how to do something and when I inform her that I already know how to do it, she seems at this point to be offended. Like my understanding of my job and the system is threatening toward her. I have however resolved in those instances to ignore her and to work around her.

In this situation I followed the chain of command. I waited to speak with my direct supervisor about the matter, in a way of absolving my opinions and feelings toward her. Because I chose to wait, and resolve the matter the way deemed most appropriate, I was seen as insubordinate.

She and I have arguments in which the timeliness of things she asks to be done is completed. There are times where I am working on something that I would like to finish, and I let her know that it will be taken care of. But this too is seen as a problem. There are certain projects that have to be done on specific days and specific times. There projects that supercede things that has to be done for collectors. She refuses to understand that because I do not jump to do her project the second she gives it to me, that I will do it. She calls three or four times to make sure that it is being done she comes to my desk and asks about it. Not realizing a lot of the time it already has been done and because of the other projects of the day it wasn’t given to her right away. Or there are times where it was pushed back because of another pressing matter that needed to be taken care of. In these occasions I am being insubordinate, in her opinion.

I could have easily followed the demon and punched the shit out of her. But I decided to stay seated and to continue to remain as calm as possible. I held on to my chair so damn hard I hurt my hand. I really wanted to f-her-up so bad it wan paining me to sit still. But I didn’t yell back I didn’t stand and point fingers I didn’t do anything but defend myself verbally. And now my job is in danger. Her lack of professionalism and utter lack of respect for herself and in turn others has become a burden ion the department. But hey in business seniority wins. And that’s how the meeting ended. I wanted to say a swift fuck you to all of them but I chose not.

God don’t like ugly! And the bitch is ugly inside and out.
Whatever happens happens at this point. I know I’m cool with it oh but bests believe when I’m walking out the door the fuck you I held back will be said loud and proud!!!