To My Ex's (the pseudo ones too)

Miek,Ant,Clis, O,

I apologize to you all for not giving you me completly. I apologize for not being able to voice my fears, my hopes and dreams with you. I'm sorry I couldn't be the woman in your life. I wish I knew how to make this right, but I can't. Everything happens for a reason they say. So we're apart because the timing was off, or all our ducks wouldn't line up. God only knows...

Miek, we both know if you were the man you are now back than we'd be married by now, probably have a couple babies tugging on our ankles. But the timing of our growths were a little off. I see in you what I wanted back then, and smile. I don't know if having you now would fulfill all the desires I had back then. I too, am a new woman, and all you wanted me to be may not be what I am. I ached a little knowing you had a seed with someone else, only because that was a dream we had for us. But I pray that you become the man he needs in his life. We know what that means. No need to delve any further. I hope the woman that catches your heart remembers to let you win some of the battles, lets you be by yourself when you need it, recognizes the sensitive man you are, and allows herself to be loved the Miek way.


Ant, I have loved you since I was six years old, and this aint going away. I will always love you, but I may not always be in love with you. You told me I was a diamond, but you couldn't afford me, all you could do was window shop. Meaning you couldn't give me all I deserve right now. And I understand that. I do. Maybe one day you will be all that, but I wont promise I'll wait around for you to get it together. If you end up ith anyone other than me, I hope she gets what you've been building yourself up for. I hope she realizes too, that you are so gentle and sensual, it requires finesse to keep you. I hope she moves you to the greatness you have in you. I hope she inspires the many ideas and proposals you come up with. You are a ball of energy when excited, its facinating to see you happy. I wish that for you always...


Clis, there are so many reasons I want you back, so many reeasons to say "Let's try again"... but I fear looking like a fool to you. I don't want to chase you, or point out why we should. I believe if we were meant to be we'll find our way back to each other. Your the first person I've wanted back, in a while. Normally I release them soon after and move on, but with you it's hard to move on. Maybe I can't quit you, who knows. But I know you are a beautiful man, with the potential to be and do everything your heart desires. You are a dreamer, a strategist, a realist (at times), a man in so many ways. You aren't afraid to express yourself, emotionally and spiritually. I appreciated you above all. Circumstances shadowed so much for us. We both had some kinks, we both chose the route we saw best. We had a plan, but our plan wasn't the plan, at that time. I do regret so much it hurts knowing I may have caused all of this. Time will tell. A wish and a prayer may be our only hope. Either way the wind blows, you'll find your happiness. Your idealic love... I wish that for you too... I promise, promise, promise I do...

O, you were a fantasy come to life. A fantasy that lasted four years. We had it, we lost it. However brief it was. No I wont point fingers, no need for that. I know you are more than you are willing to become. No amount of demons can prevent growth coupled with will power. So I pray you find yourself, the you, you've been hiding all this time. You are a man of great hope, a man in search of answers and you ask the right questions. You are so innocent in so many ways. Live life, don't let it pass you by.

Be well, live and love freely

Phoenix