Timing's all off....

I figured it out this weekend... I'm such a damn fool... DELAYED REACTION!!!!! That's what this is. I never grieved for us. I never allowed myself to feel everything, I just wanted so bad to be removed from the situation that I ignored and otherwise dismissed all the feelings I had for him. And now four months later I'm feeling it. Because I gave myself permission to feel it finally. And I'm cool with it, for now. Never had this happen before. I know what triggered it though, and that was enough to send my emotions into a volcanic eruption. But I'm going through it right now, to say the least. Feels weird being so far removed from the time. But everything happens for a reason... I still don't know thw reason it happened this way, but I'm allowing myself to feel it...