Ok here it goes....

I think I have a really bad mean streak... for the past couple of days I've had the urge to punch people in the back of their necks when I'm exiting trains/train stations. People need to learn how to walk!

My work situation has gotten undesireable (putting it mildly)! People have decided to use me as a pawn in their battle of power and I odn't like being put in the middle of anyone's war. Not my place, not my style. But from January to now I've received a raise, been given more responsibility, have the authority to approve certain things, and I've just recently changed directors. And here lies my problem: My new director has seen my prowess and intellect and wants me to be utilized more, wants me to give my position completely up and hire someone to fill it and gives me control over 2million in accounts... um no! I will not be responsible for anyones money but my (future) husband and myself, period. I can't do it. I wont do it.

NeXt--->

Have you ever had a day where you were so sure of some thing that your mind answered all the questions before your ears heard them? Who knew love was that easy? I didn't, all my experiences to now have made it so it seemed way too hard... but I know better now.

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ok look below now......





It's official... I'm engaged! This was the news I was trying to tell you for the past couple of weeks! I just had to get some other ducks in a row before I put my business out there... The General and I are getting married.... WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


The plans are being finalized as we speak... He is my beautiful surprise....


It's like yesterday
I didn't even know your name
Now today
You're always on my mind
I never could have predicted that I'd feel this way
You are a beautiful surprise
Intoxicated every time I hear your voice
You've got me on a natural high
It's almost like I didn't even have a choice
You are a beautiful surprise

Whatever it is that you came to teach me
I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we are written in the stars
I don't know what the future hold
But I'm living in the moment
And I'm thankful for the man that you are,
you are, you are

You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You are a beautiful surprise
You are an inspiration to my life
You are the reason why I smile
You are a beautiful surprise....

Matriarchal Pleadings...

Wanted to say I love you and mean it
I may have said it once to you
Only because you said it first
And I felt obliged to agree
But I was waiting for my heart to really feel it
Before I said it to again
Without it falling out of mouth by force

I know you’ve had your own battles with love
I see the scars when you look at me
Wonder sometimes why they haven’t healed yet?
Or why you haven’t allowed them to?
Love is real, and it can heal all wounds
But the love you search for, you claim doesn’t exist
Even when you see it before your eyes
You are surrounded by it in your church
Your son and I are examples of unconditional love
How do you claim to be filled with the Spirit
And still refuse to recognize the light?
Still refuse to change?

I prayed for you last night
Asked that you find that peace you yearn for
All the voids in you be filled
All the pain be released
That you cry because you have to
That you become so filled by Him
All your ways those are not of Him
Make you so uncomfortable
You have no choice but to change

I wanted you to accept me
For who I am
All of my idiosyncracies
And my body art, my speech
I thought you had
But when the bump in the road came to your attention
You turned on me
Called me out of my name
Placed your pain on me as if I had harmed you
Wished you had never met me
And still I prayed for you
I still pray for you

I want to be able to hug you one day knowing
I’m hugging you, a healed woman of God
Hugging you with my whole being
Knowing you are hugging me back
With the same feeling

Maybe that day will come
Maybe it won’t
But I pray that it does
Despite what you think
I do like you as a person
Or at least what I knew of you before
I am willing to try to work on a relationship with you
If you are willing to
Still hoping that day comes
Wish it were yesterday
But tomorrow will suffice

We’ve all been hurt
Choice is whether to stay in that place
Or use it as a catalyst to find better, do better, be better
In my life
Better is the only goal
And I’d like to take my entire family there too…
And I wish you there
Smiling and laughing with the rest of us
I’ll even hold your hand on the journey
Pray with you when you aren’t strong enough to
Cry your tears for you
Be there as family should
I’ll love you


If you’ll let me…

So much has happened in the last couple weeks I'm bursting with info... only issue is I've found that other people like to tell my good news... almost like my secrets and good news give them diarrhea of the mouth... it's crazy and exciting...

I finally got my screenplay critique back... basically I need to add 30-40 pages and I have to give some of the characters more depth.... oh and I have to put it into the correct format, which way harder than I thought it would be... I got a lot work ahead of me... but I'm motivated!!! Just need a new laptop... mine died... so this will be interesting how I get it done in a timely manner.

WE...

We play ESPN 2K5 football together, and I sucked at first but he helped me get my game on. Now I have 4 Championships under my belt. ( and that's on Pro and All Pro level my friends... I aint no punk)

We cook together. I teach him little techniques passed down to me maternally. He makes really tasty rice (lol), we'll work on other menu items soon enough.

We sleep together. ( get ur mind out of the gutter, I mean literally sleep) We cuddle up and fall asleep together. It's familiar, its nice, its comforting to know I fit perfectly on his chest and in his arms.

We wake up smiling. I see his beautiful face, and smile. Knowing this is the face I will see for the rest of my life. He calls me beautiful first thing every morning. It solidifies my beauty, because I know he sees it everyday, whether i do or not.

We are best friends. We speak openly and honestly about everything, even the hard things most people keep hidden. We are homey lover friends. The way it should be.

He completes me, and I him. We say "we just are" when we try to explain ourselves and our relationship to anyone. Because to put into words the feelings, and the dynamic we possess, would be impossible.

We are because prayer works. We are because He wanted us together. So we don't question why, we know. There is no doubt Divine Providence has brought us together.

Opera...

You'd think that a black girl from Brooklyn wouldn't appreciate such a regal form of music. But I do, always have... I even have a favorite recording:

Kathleen Battle & Wynton Marsalis " Baroque Duet"

My favorite song/cantata is:
"Seufzer, Tranen, Kummer, Not"
(from Ich hatte viel Bekummernis, Cantata No.21)
-- Johann Sebastian Bach

"Seufzer, Tranen, Kummer, Not,
Seufzer, Tranan, angstlichs Sehnen
Furcht und Tod
nagen mein beklemmtes Herz
ich empfinde Jammer, Schmerz
Seufzer, Tranen, Kummer, Not, etc"


translation:

"Sighs, tears, grief, misery,
Sighs, tears, timid yearning,
Fear and Death
Gnaw at my uneasy heart
I feel distress and pain
Sighs, tears, grief, misery, etc"


Yes I know its a depressing cantata, but it is beautiful to me... her voice makes you feel the pain... check it out....

To Be Young Gifted and Black

Apart from anything else, I wanted to be able to come here and speak with you on this occasion because you are young, gifted and black. ... I, for one, can think of no more dynamic combination that a person might be.

The Negro writer stands surrounded by the whirling elements of this world. He stands neither on the fringe nor utterly involved: the prime observer waiting poised for inclusion.

O, the things that we have learned in this unkind house that we have to tell the world about!

Despair? Did someone say despair was a question in the world? Well then, listen to the sons of those who have known little else if you wish to know the resiliency of this thing you would so quickly resign to mythhood, this thing called the human spirit. ...

Life? Ask those who have tasted of it in pieces rationed out by enemies.

Love? Ah, ask the troubadors who come from those who have loved when all reason pointed to the uselessness and foolhardiness of love. Perhaps we shall be the teachers when it is done. Out of the depths of pain we have thought to be our sole heritage in this world—O, we know about love!

And that is why I say to you that, though it be a thrilling and marvelous thing to be merely young and gifted in such times, it is doubly so, doubly dynamic—to be young, gifted and black.

Look at the world that awaits you!


Write if you will: but write about the world as it is and as you think it ought to be and must be—if there is to be a world, the beginning of writing and talking—but write to a point. Work hard at it, care about it.

Write about our people: tell their story. You have something glorious to draw on begging for attention. Don't pass it up. Use it.

Good luck to you. This Nation needs your gifts.

Perfect them!


--Lorraine Hansberry May 1964

I'm not ignoring you I swear... A LOT has happened, just not ready to spill all the beans... you will be amazed. Like If you were at Wringling brothers watching a dancing bear, I promise... It's like the look you'll have if you found a million dollars on your door step... so be patient... I will tell....

Overly excited... I mean I am, but so are they and there is where we conflict...

I'm happy, the General is happy, my mom is too happy... so we are now playing silent treatment... how old are we again?... this week has been an overwhelming rollercoaster. My mom is mad because I said she was driving me nuts, now she hasn't responded to me. Hung up the phone on me and everything... I think it's quite childish... partially my dads fault. Almost like he said it to her to be malicious, but its cool...