hmmmmm....

I was late this morning, someone pulled the emergency brake on the train in front of mine, and so we crept to every stop and then waited at least 10-15 at each station.

Last night I went out with a couple of my friends. Went to Village Underground. I had fun. I reminds me of my spot in Va., Tropical Soul. Mike Phillips, Hidden Beach jazz recording artist, did a surprise set, his album drops Tuesday. It was packed, but cool. Joe Budden was there too, which was a surprise. There was a young lady by the name of Chrisette Michelle, this is the dopest voice I've heard in a long time. She freestyled over the band, and she rocked it. Actually there were a lot of A&R, publicists, and other music biz peoples. Then after a while paul mooney walks in. He had his own cheerleader, some Chinese lady, that was like his girlfriend. Now if you know anything about Paul Mooney's clout, this is all too confusing. I got in my house after 2am but i was really diggin it.....

my boyfriend is mad at me again, i just cant seem to keep dude happy man....

the day after death
I found myself waiting to hear your footsteps in the kitchen
see your face pop into the room
I stood in the doorway of the kitchen
waiting to hear you reading your Bible
but you weren't there, and I didn't hear you
You are my other mother from another bloodline
but that never mattered to us
you were there for me when ever I needed you
we talked at least once a week, just to say hello
see how you were feeling, what I was up to
I prayed my hardest when I heard you were in the hospital
even harder when the stroke came
I spent a day beating myelf up, because I thought I didn't pray hard enough
and when I heard you were gone, my heart broke
broke for you, your daughters and my other daddy too
but no tears came
I ran errands, cleaned, made the house more homey for all came to pay their respects
I tried to prepare myself for this everyday before
but nothing could prepare me to bury you
I cried at your wake
Thought I could hold it together
But I saw your casket and I couldn't deal
Saw you family walk behind your body, and it tore me inside literally
I tried to br strong I swear, but how could I see you like this
How can this be my last image of you
I listened to everyone after speak of you
how beautiful a person you are
how they loved you so much
I nodded and smiled, I knew this to be true first hand
The next day at your burial, I said my goodbyes
" and so we part ways, for a time"
did you hear me
I walked away finally realizing it was real, it was permanent
I didn't want to remember you this way
I sat in the car remembering your smile
how you used to dance on the good foot
the way you would make me curry goat cause you knew I was coming over
The way you would try to protect me from the world as if I was your own
I remember you, you are apart of my life forever
my children will know your name, and what you've done for me
i love you mommy, see you on the other side....

What more can I say....

The situation with my "friends" is at a stand still, I was told I was being unfair....blahblahblah.... But as fate would hae it I wasn't....

I lost someone very close to me last week and I've been trying to act like it didn't happen. I been sleeping at her house for days and I wake up each morning waiting to hear her voice, or see her peeking in the doorway, or sitting at the head of the kitchen table with her Bible and devotional. But she hasn't been there, she wont be there tomorrow, or any day from now on, and it feels weird. I was so used to her being there, her not there doesn't make sense. I have yet o cry, probably because its still not real to me. I got an incling of what the funeral will be like for me. I was helping my cousin put together the program for the service, I typed away fixing and making it look nice. It wasn't until I printed it out and actually paid attention to what I had to type that it hit me, and I quickly found myself feeling the pain, I didn't like it so I got up and walked around and gathered myself. I couldnt sit there to feel it, it hurt too much. So i've been exhausting myself to avoid tears and to avoid breaking down. I need to be strong for everyone else right now. Doing what I can to make this as carefree and easy so they can grieve as a family. I know seeing her in the casket will probably make me lose my mind. The last time this happened, I didnt cry until the day of the funeral, and I couldnt help but lose it. That time the girl was 13 and she died in a freak accident when i worked at a summer camp. I stood strong until it came time to see the body and it all hit the fan and i was changed forever. now to have this happen is killing me softly and slowly.

My cousins have been consoleing everyone else, and giving them encouraging words and keeping face. But I know in their quiet times they grieve in their own way. I'll grieve too, just not right now... it will hit me and it will hurt like hell... wish it was like Bob marleys song, " ...when it hit you feel no pain"

Thoughts....

Um... how to start this..... ok lets jump right in....

I've come once again, through a lot of confusion and pain, to the realization that I really don't have any friends. I few aquaintences, people I exchange cordialities with, people that have weaved themselves in and out of my life, more out than in, and people who believe themselves friends but really aren't.

Why else would my group of friends hide crap from me, then say it was for my own protection? That cover up shit was crazy!!!! My ex has a kid, and all of our mutual friends decided not to tell me. I could understand him feeling ackward about telling me, but the rest of them decided that it would be too devastating for me to know. That I must still be fragile over the situation between he and I. It just blew my mind. Cause these are people who have known me for more than 10yrs. and the fact that they all thought it is nuts to me. I have never given them any indication that I would even attempt to act like that. Most of what they know about our relationship is from what they've seen and the few people we may have confided in, and if I remember correctly our confidants weren't even apart of that group. So for them to bend their minds into my emotional state, is ridiculous. So the last 10+ years were a waste cause none of them know me at all. As much as that hurts I can't really be too mad. Just disappointed as hell!!! So the list of people who are supposed to be invited to my wedding, my baby showers and funeral just got shorter. Sounds mean but why would I want people who dont really know me at any of these events? it would be like me inviting my friend's sister's boyfriends cousin just cause I met him once.

I have also realized that I'm done giving advice. I give it when peolpe ask for it, then they go do their own shit, get hurt and turn around and ask why didnt I stop them. I want to scream "I told you that shit along time ago you numb nut but you decided to do yourt own shit stupid!!! Way to go you idiot!!!" So I'm Done! find your own whipping post I aint it no more. Tired of the crying, phone calls in the middle of the night and all of the stress I get from worrying. I tell them read their horoscope and call it a day!

madness

So I went to Va and i must say i enjoyed probably about 5 hrs of my time there... my friend calls me at three in the morning yesterday, knowing full well I had to drive back, to ask could she sleep at my house for the night. I knew she'd been having issues with her husband of 1 month, she walked in went to sleep only to wake me up around 8 to let her out. Never once did she give an explanation or even and incling of why. She called me while I was driving to say thanks and then skated past the issue with ease. I feel funny cause had I not been there where would she have gone. or would have gotten the same call while here in NY for her to talk. Either way I don't like her attitude about the whole thing.

Found out some interesting news while down there, cant really say too much, still processing the events.

My weekend was terrible!