What A Day!

Today...today...today... what a day, what a day....

This morning I laughed my ass off in the shower... for some reason I remembered my prom night... and how my date ( he became my boyfriend that night) tried to sing some R. Kelly to me. ...and he was serious! Now he couldn't sing a lick, but I thought it was sweet, and I giggled like a lil girl... The whole story behind prom was funny... he asked my older brother if he could ask me to prom, then asked me. So I came home all giddy to tell my bro, and instead of him saying congrats, he says, "I know already". Then he told me how my date asked him "man 2 man" cause they were friends too. That night changed my life, in so many ways....

I laughed, and I really needed one this morning...

Lunchtime I see my ex kissing a next chick at the corner... like some ole "Sex In The City" moment... I laughed, but it stung a lil to actually see it, to know it is one thing, not like I haven't moved on myself, I just have never been witness to the new chick... She was pretty. So I wish him luck. He deserves happiness, even if it wasn't with me...

Just wondering why I'm not kissing anyone?...I should be, hell I'm cute!

Any single brothers out there?....LMAO... just playing....

Poems by Rumi...

WHISPERS OF LOVE

Lover whispers to my ear,
"Better to be a prey than a hunter.
Make yourself My fool.
Stop trying to be the sun and become a speck!
Dwell at My door and be homeless.
Don't pretend to be a candle, be a moth,
so you may taste the savor of
Life and know the power hidden in serving."

Mathnawi V. 411-414 (translated by Kabir Helminski)
The Rumi Collection, Edited by Kabir Helminski


On the Deathbed
Go, rest your head on a pillow, leave me alone;
leave me ruined, exhausted from the journey of this night,
writhing in a wave of passion till the dawn.
Either stay and be forgiving,
or,
if you like, be cruel and leave.
Flee from me, away from trouble;
take the path of safety, far from this danger.
We have crept into this corner of grief,
turning the water wheel with a flow of tears.
While a tyrant with a heart of flint slays,
and no one says, "Prepare to pay the blood money."
Faith in the king comes easily in lovely times,
but be faithful now and endure, pale lover.
No cure exists for this pain but to die,
So why should I say,
"Cure this pain"?
In a dream last night
I saw an ancient one in the garden of love,
beckoning with his hand,
saying, "Come here."
On this path,
Love is the emerald,
the beautiful green that wards off dragonsnough,
I am losing myself.
If you are a man of learning,
read something classic,
a history of the human struggle
and don't settle for mediocre verse.

Kulliyat-i-Shams 2039


Soul receives from soul that knowledge, therefore not by book
nor from tongue.
If knowledge of mysteries come after emptiness of mind, that is
illumination of heart.

"I just want your extra time and your...........................kiss."

Kissing you is all I'm thinking of...

There isn't any one person I'm thinking of kissing, I'm just in a kissing mood... I want to kiss for hours on end, and not go any further than that. No roaming hands, etc. I just want sit and kiss and kiss and kiss... I want a man that can kiss, I don't want to have to teach him how. I want it to be natural and not forced perfection. I've taught my fair share of men how to kiss, but the thrill is lost in the teaching...

Like Erykah Badu said "I want somebody to walk up behind me and kiss me on my neck"
How sexy is that?!!! That is my spot too... all kinds of gasms occuring... wooooooooo...Align my spine with your lips damn it...

I need that in my life. I need that intimacy right now. Kissing is more intimate than sex to me. They say the first kiss tells you everything you need to know about someone. Whether they are selfish, giving, controlling, passionate, etc. All in the first kiss!.... I believe it. I think you can tell if you and someone will work all in the first kiss. Whether you have to become teacher or student, or if you are equals.

Truthfully I'm more turned on by the passion in a kiss than anything else a man can do. How a man kisses is indicative of how the rest of him moves intimately, at least to me it is. I just need to put on a love mix cd, sit down with that man and go to it. Lots of Chapstick around, lol. Then sleep in each others arms, feeling like we just had the greatest love making experience...

I need some above the waist loving... It's a lost art... It needs a renaissance...

I need someone to kiss me from deep in his soul and use his lips as the pathway to soul fusion's nirvana....

Recap of the Holidays...

Got back to NY around 2am, got to my house around 3:30am... and now I 'm here at my desk again... barely awake, hardly working...and plan to stay that way for the entire day... IONT care....

The holidays were fun, festive, and soul fulfulling... I spent time with my brother and his wife, my parents and my sister. We always act a damn fool together, this trip was no disappointment...

I hung out with my extended family... One thing my brother and I noticed was all of our extended family(friends/church folk), are all married and breeding... Like it was weird, cause if you didn't have a ring, you had a baby instead, or both... had people questioning us like why wasn't I married yet and why my bro didn't have kids yet. We were both like "Huh, for what!?" The one question that I answered like a hundred times was where was my boyfriend. My mother didn't tell anyone that he and I broke up, when they would ask about he and I, she would tell them to ask me. So I had to tell the news to everyone damn near individually. Saturday night I hung out with all the married and knocked up peoples... and someone made the joke "Ha this could be you" to which I said "I like my freedom a little too much right now" as they were wiping baby butts and putting kids on time out and giving their husbands the evil eye.

One of my homegirls got engaged... I was actually elated to hear it... kinda knew it would happen... they are shackin up, it was only right to make it semi legit... he got her a non traditional ring, which also didn't surprise me. He's that kind of guy. He got her a four/five stone inlay set. No raised stone. It's a really nice ring. And I'm happy for them both. They both deserve each other. Their history in love prior to one another was schetchy. But who knew that the two of them would end up together, and who knew that they would fit so well....

Congrats Biggie Smalls and Underdog!!!

I told my mom and now she's like, "Don't you feel left out of the club?"

Yes and No... But I want it to be right so bad, I'm willing to wait...


One thing was missing from my holiday though... he called while I was in the shower Saturday morning... and left a generic message... one song replays in my head though....

Feelings by Floetry

I’m emotional,
You’re emotional,
Could be why we always argue our…
Conversations short,
We cant open up,
It’s just become,
Much too difficult,
I don’t know what to do,
Don’t know what to prove.
This is more than me,
So much more than you.
Can we make it through?
You and I.
I can’t decide.

I just can’t decide,
If it’s you I want,
Don’t wanna choose between,
Having you in my life,
Or loosing you for real.

Because I caught feelings.(Feelings)
Are we falling in love with our fears?
I caught feelings.(Feelings)
‘Cause we’re acting like we’re really here,
we’re not really here.Caught feelings.
(Feelings)I’m not afraid of the pain.

I’m a stubborn girl,
You’re a stubborn guy,
Could be why,
We fight all the time.
If it’s not your way,
Then it must be mine.
Can’t communicate,
Can’t even compromise.
I don’t know what to do,
I don’t know what to prove.
This is more than me,
So much more than you.
Can we make it through?
You and I,
I can’t decide

Because I caught feelings.(Feelings)
I know how you feel.
I caught feelings.(Feelings)
It’s almost unreal.
Because I caught feelings(Feelings)
You’re short of breath.
It’s like you’ve been wounded.

I must look like an enemy to you.
It’s cool.
We have to die a little bit you know.
We’re so dramatic.
Romantic.
I love experiencing you.
The ups and the downs

I just can’t pretend,
That you’re just a friend,
We took it further.
Passion still remains.
So here we are again,

Because we caught feelings.(Feelings)
I feel you.
Because we caught feelings.(Feelings)
I’m connected to you.
We caught feelings.(Feelings)
So what do you wanna do?
Because we caught feelings(Feelings)
What do you wanna do?
We can help each other.
I can't believe we're here
After all we've been through...


Too bad there is no fixing us, him, me... it is what it is

Freedom... I released my heavy load... I feel so good right now... maintaining...

Going to see the folks in Va for the holidays... my plans got jacked up... thanks to my biological sperm donor... f-in bastard!... But whatever...

been thinking about love again... and why I havent found it yet... not for lack of searching... just aint mine to find right now, and I'll leave it at that...

Had a thought though, what if the person I loved the most, the person that gave me his heart, the one with whom we discussed me having his last name, th one that exchanged teaching and learning about love with, we grew up together in love... what if he's the one? I cannot fathom that happening, but what if? it would be a lot to imagine... I smile when I think about it... so much has changed in all these years, could it be? I get to see him over the holidays, so we'll see how the connectioin goes...

Love is Love
Love your Mother.
Love your Sister
God is Love
Love your Father
Love your Brother
God is Love.
Love is Love.

True indeed...
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanzaa...

Just my holiday wish for everyone... be safe, happy, enjoy the presence of loved ones, be giving, be thankful for receiving, cherish the moments, minutes, hours you will share over the holidays always and all ways....inhale the breath they breathe, hug them all a lil more, kiss them whole day, soak in their presence, be willing to smile and cry all at the same time, take a million pictures mentally for "remember when stories", take all the in the meantime / in between time moments and place them on your hearts... Fam has a beautiful energy, take it in, breathe easy... always and all ways...

Excuse my language again....

Day friggin three of the muh-phukin transit strike... Look I've been walking my ass to work this week... I walk about 160 blocks one way... takes like 2 hours... I'm a youngin but I got I health issues, arthritis in my left knee, tendonitis in my right knee, and I had back surgery a few years ago and it still aint right... my knees are the size of phukin cantalopes! I mean damn! To add insult to injury my job is docking you if you dont show up, these corporate bastards! Saying that we need to make provisions to get here its not their job to get us here. If you don't show up, no pay for those days.... these phukin piss ant white collar cunts! Now that didn't make me feel better but I'm pissed!

TWU and MTA need to stop talking and do some GD listening... it's that easy... we learned it in kindergarten you idiots!

I'm tired, I'm in pain, and I'm phukin sick of this shit....

I release you Sir, be free...

I feel like I'm being punished. I'm being hurt, ignored, and left missing someone because they are mad at me. I spoke the truth, my truth, and now they want nothing to do with me. Say it was foul, it was wrong for me to say my piece, wrong for me to express my supressed feelings. Say i didn't give them a chance to defend themselves against my statements, but they do admit that I spoke the truth concerning them. but the format of the statements was the issue. I should have spoken to them first, given them the opportunity to hear it first. I don't understand how that would have helped. Because when i do bring i up, its always an issue, always a reason why we cant talk about it, or the questions are dodged completely. I am honest about my feelings toward them, been that way from jump. But now I penelized for it. I can't pine away for him, I wont allow myself to anymore. No love lost...like always say... It's just channeled differently. I hope he understands... Actually I think he's releaved because the pressure will be off of him to do something about it, to love me back, to treat me right. Now the concern is gone, hope he loves the freedom more than he loved me.

Six's

123456....123456....123456
I heard there were approximately 6 billion people in the world
no wonder I can't find my true love
I've had a better luck at finding Waldo
6 billion... I never really had a chance huh?
I heard there were six degrees of separation for everyone to everyone
funny how all of my degrees haven't lead me to him...
I heard that 6% of people say they've found their soulmate
well good for them, us the other 94% applaud your good fortune
and curse you for the same behind your back...
I've shared my bed with 6 men
too bad none of them thought 6 months into it
it would last
damn my good good must be nice...
every 6 months the hope of new love shows up
6 months later, alone
I'm standing 6 feet from the edge
654321, now only six feet down and the search will end then...
waiting for the seventh sign
before i close the door to all the possibilities,
and die from heart ache, heart break, lack of heart felt love
still pacing, looking over the edge
deciding whether to drop the charade
and lay in wait
writing my epitaph
"she looked for love, he decided otherwise"
123456...
123456...
still waiting, still hoping... for now

Gridlock...

So if you havent heard by now... NYC is in a Gridlock!!! its so bad i had walk my happy nappy ass to work.... 6.2 miles this morning.... actually i walked about 4, got ride across the Williamsburg Bridge... but never the less i walk the majority... A lot of people are doing a lot of talking and turning their backs and no one is listening... i may be young , but this walking ish has got to stop cant do this everyday for no one...period...

It's been three days...

I think I'm sea sick
Found the calm sea we'd been cruising along on
started to get choppy, and swirl and the waves are rising
and I'm physically ill waiting for you to comfort me
You seem to be ok, like the chaos of the sea calmed you
and the calm we came to know was chaos to you
I speak volumes of my love for you, wrote letters and poems
gave prayers in your name, sent you 143 text messages, emails, messages on the voicemail
and still you say you didn't know I loved you
I wanted to have a convo the last time we saw each other
tell you that I loved you, needed you, wanted you
but you wouldn't let me
then called yourself victim, when my frustration spilled over
I still want you, aside from the flaws
I still need you, aside from the confusion of having you
I still love you, regardless
I never wantred to fix you, just wanted to support you
never wanted you to change you, just wanted you to see the need for it
never wanted to force your hand, so I didn't
I take the madning silence as you need space
I apologized for my outbursts in anger
and here I sit waiting to get an ok from you
flying my white flag high in surrender
since I seem to get it wrong with you tell me
How do you want me to tell you I love you
how should I say so that the feeling sticks
what should i do to relay my feelings
I've said, spelled it, put in in numbers, and still you don't recall ever hearing or seeing them
I've been patient with your lack of practice in loving me
you've been frustrated in trying to show
so frustrated, you stopped all together
so now I don't know that the love is still there
i don't know that I still have a place in your world
you give me no choice but to ask
do you still feel that same?
Am I imagining the thrill is gone?
The conquest has been achieved and now you can move past the hope in us?
Was I just a fantasy that came to life, and now the fantasy is over?
I'm sea sick trying to find you
be where you are, see you
I'm sea sick on this ocean of confusion
throw me a lifeline
pick up the phone line
voicemail again, dial tone
I'm sea sick....

three stages...

I searched for a light in the dark
only found people willing to give me candles in a windy tunnel
I was searching for the light in me
but my pain wouldn't let it shine to show me the way
I've been fighting myself to find understanding
found myself underestimating, underachieveing, underdeveloped
under stress, doing under-handed things, searching for the underlying meaning,
undermining myself and others, undervalued myself and my gifts, undoing the teaching, understating my pain...
And I'm here hurting again, aware of the lack of clarity in my life
I searched for a trace of soul in the world
found mine was dying inside
now I'm reaching inside for innerstanding
so I can live, bring life back to my soul
found the innermost me had yet to appear, innerdependant on self, the inner voice called out but my inner ear ignored the request, my mind an inner city project;
hussle and bussle but going no where,
found the inner lying meaning was my lack of trust of self and others, retreated to the inner sactum of myself to annul the risk of hurt
But I still search for a way to find myself
Keep starting at the end of a story and so confused by the beginning of the book
Sleep finds me only because I'm too exhausted to fight it
too exhausted to want more than what I've been given
too comfortable in my ignorance to want to move ahead
too used to not having the clarity, I like looking out of my clouded mind
too easy to run away and sit in my silent hell and cry
been used to the pain and hurt so long
a day without would be scary
I wouldn't know how to function
So I Prayed on it
and gave myself permission to let go of everything and everyone
to rely on Him for the overstanding
and i found my overcast skies cleared away
the light in me finally had a chance to shine
I had to overcome self, it was overdue
had to do and overhaul of me,
started under, inner and now overjoyed that i found the answer
had to over throw the anarchist in myself to find peace
had to overstep my own boundaries to realize my rightful place in life
over missing out in life, over taking the seat in the back to avoid being in the front
over swallowing pain, over crying about my broken heart, over hurting because I'm hurt, over being the me they think they know, over hiding myself from me
With understanding comes a need for innerstanding and I chose overstanding

ok.. yesterday's entry felt good to get out... but one apology is necessary...

Journeyman, I can't be mad at the fact you got upset. I can understand believe me, but it was time for me to rid my body of the animosity and/or frustration I was feeling toward alot of people, including you. I know it hurt you in a deep place, but I needed to rid myself of some of the hurt I was feeling. Now we're both hurt and I'm ready to start the healing. Are you? I need you more than you realize. I hardly slept a wink last night, forcing myself not to call you. I cried, I can't even front. I sent my apology in song, and still haven't heard from you... I'm waiting to hear from, patiently.

I love you.

I'm Hurting Inside... Bob Marley

When I was just a little child,
Happiness was there awhile.
Then from me, yeah, it slipped one day.
Happiness, come back, I say.
'Cause if you don't come, I've got to go
Lookin' for happiness.
Well, if you don't come, I've got to go
Lookin', Lord, for happiness, happpiness.

I'm hurting inside.
I'm hurting inside.
Oh, hear my cry, hear my cry, yeah,
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, cry.

Been together like school children,
Then you hurt me just in vain.
Lord, I'm your weary child.
Happiness, come back awhile.
'Cause if you don't come, I've got to go
Lookin' for happiness.
The road is dangerous.
Well, if you don't come, I've got to go
Lookin', Lord, for happiness, happiness.
I'm hurting inside.
I'm hurting inside. (Repeat)

Feel the pain, feel the pain.
I'm hurting inside.
I'm hurting inside.

PSA... the following entry will be ridddled with explitives and one or two racial slurs, but "if the cap fit wear it"

I've never been this hype to write a blog entry...

Oh but today is the dawn of a new era...

The last couple weeks I've been I've been feeling off balance, and real uneasy inside. I knew something was coming, like I was going to go through something and be forced to make a change... normally when I feel like that I go and do something crazy, go out drinking or smoke a funny cigarette to ease the feeling, to cloud it actually... but I didn't do that this time, I let the feeling marinate... and it hit me yesterday...

I was having an IM convo with a friend of mine, he was saying some really left field ish to me, but he was oh so confused about what he thought was my issue. I chose not to correct him because it was too funny...

So the following will be very hurtful to some, enlightening to many, and especially disturbing to a few...

I got on the train last night and I pilled the Ipod out and shifted through some music, and felt something telling me to go to a particular song. Kinda felt like I was watching myself do it, out of body experience... JIll Scott's first album, "One is The Magic #"... now I know I probably heard this song literally half a million times, but it finally hit me last night that that song was what I truly needed...

No hay nadie mas que yo, uno es el numero magico En vida y en muerte, uno es todo...comprende

If I multiply 2 times 2 is it really, really 4 me
And if I add 5 to get 9 minus 8 that just leaves me
So many times I define my pride through somebody else's eyes
Then I looked inside and found my own stride, I found the lasting love for me
If I'm searching for my spirituality passionately I must begin with me
There's just me...
One is the magic number
If I add myself unto myself multiplied times you and yours and you again
There's just me And if I divide 8 billion, 48 trillion, 98 zillion
There is... there is just me
If I subtract one plus me to the 5th degree, use any theorem
There's just me
There's just me...One is the magic number
Me, me, me, me...

It finally made perfect sense to me... all the love I have searching for in someone else, I had inside of me for myself the whole time, just took me 24+ years to find it. The man I've been looking for to love me as much I do may exist, but I dont think he can match the love I have inside me for him pound for pound. So self-love is the best option for me... and I finally let a lot of ish go. I laughed so haed on the train people probably thought I was crazy, but I did'nt care I had an awakening last night and all that matters is just me. The person I am looking for is me, the one I want to be in love with so badly, is me!

So I have a few SWIFT FU's for some folks...

if you recognize yourself in this list, then that FU was meant for you...

-To all the men I have ever loved before, you all get a swift FUCK YOU!
Finesse- yeah you get it because you wanted to change me into something I'm not so FUCK YOU
D-nero- you get it because I stood there with my heart in my hand basically begging you to see in me all you ever wanted, and you punked out on me, so FUCK YOU
Dragon- you get it because you didn't let yourself be yourself and trust me, so FUCK YOU
Journeyman- yeah you get it because you didn't recognize that in all the blog entries I've written in the last almost two months were inspired by you, were about you, the "he" I keep referring to is you. You wont allow yourself to see the good in you that i do. I have been here all this time falling love with you from afar.

To all of my so called friends, peoples, home boys/girls, sister girls, big bros... all of you get a swift FUCK YOU too...
I've bent over backwards for you guys, lent money, listen to you cry about ex's who've wronged you, should of told you I thought you were dumb for staying, stupid for thinking he/she would love you more if you did more, but I didn't, you had to learn on your own. I got the early morning crying spell calls, and listened and gave advice to which you turned our back. You've used me to gain access to other people, thinking I could better at gauging their feelings for you, I should have hung up, but I didnt'. And you havent learned the lesson yet. Your an option not a priority... So FUCK YOU! When it was my turn to bitch and moan, no one had the time to care or comfort me... You were willing to take and take from me but never willing to give the same in return.....So FUCK YOU for that too....

To all the people who have ever made me feel inferior- FUCK YOU
To all the people who've made me feel less than I am- FUCK YOU
To all the people who've never said thank you- FUCK YOU
To the lazy ass chink at work- FUCK YOU
To my father for being absent my whole life- FUCK YOU
To my employer for being so damn unfair- FUCK YOU

To all the people that I care so much for, and turn around and hurt me-FUCK YOU

There are few people who are left off of this list... to you I extend my deepest gratitude. You have no idea how much you truly mean to me....

So thank you Ms. Jones, Ms. Cheatham, JamLuv, My Brothers Stick and Mouse, my other brothers and sisters (too many of you to name), ChAn, to all the the people who write the songs that move me... You all have given your honesty, your time, your ear, your hearts without a want or need for repayment... Your love is given without condition and I adore you all for it....

If you recognize yourself in these lists please feel free to cuss me out... I can dish and I can take it...


**** since I'm being cussed out****

You people are missing the point of this entry... I needed to vent, get a grip, suck it up and do better...

Picking at Scabs... nasty lil habit...

My emotions have gone south since the last entry...

same old wound, just new reason/person to feel it for... they are just being themselves, I respect that.

But I still feel a twinge in the chest area because of it. I need a vacation, but it wouldn't be fun without him. I want him there too... same old wound like I said... just hurts different, this time a lil deeper than normal... but the same wound nonetheless


I'll Die- Floetry

If I stay right here,
I’ll die inside.
Ran out of tears,
I can barely get by.
It’s fair to say,
That we tried.
You know I wanna stay,
If I do, I’ll die.


Verse 2:
Been a addicted,
To the burden of the gifted,
To the sermon of the shifted,
Always praying to be lifted.
Always settling,
Never bettering.
How’m I gonna win,
If I’m not listening.
Always asking for
Never noticing,
Every move I make,
This game’s reacting in,
Perfect symmetry,
I’m my destiny,
Must invest in me,
Or I’m just gonna be,
Victim of circumstance,
All is left to chance,
How can I enhance?
I’m afraid to dance.
I must break this trance,
‘Cause it’s deafening,
So I’m breathing in.
I’m breathing in.
Breath to get control of me.
I have to breath.
I have to be.
Hook:

Bridge:
What’s the use of living here,
If I don’t feel alive?
Denied mistakes,
So much I’ve done.
So much to cry.
I cry.

Sitting here holding back tears... again...

"I Am ready for Love, Why are you hiding from me, I'd quickly give my freedom, to be held in your captivity" (India.Arie)

Snooze

I'm tired, literally and figuratively!

Spent like three hours working on a screenplay I should have finished since June, I'm so behind. I haven't even gotten it all typed yet, most of it is still in notebooks! I'm so scatter brained when it comes to writing them out...

I actually got offered representation for my writing. Decided to be proactive about my writing and got a call back from an agency!

YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!


So the real work has begun. Editing, creating contracts, meetings here and there, agents, managers, and Hollywood attitudes.... not what I thought it would be, but happy nonetheless.

Now I have to be on my grind more than ever.... Pray for me... Procrastination and me are real tight! But now that I have people wanting to put LOTS of money into my work, I cant mess around, I'll owe them money if I keep it up!


Tangent: Why do people walk out of the house in wrinkled clothes? Me, yeah I make sure my pajama arrent wrinkled much less clothes I wear in the street. I see people every morning, just looking like they pulled their clothes out of a friggin hamper, and thought it was ok. That's one of my peeves in life... wrinkled clothes... no good!

I'm also tired because I've been expending a lot of energy toward some people in my life. Trying to stand tough and tall for them. It's a thankless job, sometimes, but I do it out of love.

I always wonder though, who's gonna do it for me, or if someone will?

Truth Is...

Honestly honesty is a two edged sword!

--It has the power to heal and the power to do harm.

Sometimes it heals wounds, but in that same healing a new wound is created because the scab of falsehoods is finally picked at enough to open a wound and expose the fallicies that we choose to ignore.


--It has the power to bring clarity and confuse all at the same time.

It helps you see the truth, but if you arent open to the truth, you become confused about what it menas and what the next step should be.


--It has the power to help you grow, but it can also chop you down.

Truth helps you grow in all ways, but sometimes when we realize that the truth we've believed for so long, is just a twisted version of the real truth, we fall back down and have to start growth from the beginning.

I have been truthful with a few people over the last couple of months and I realize that the truth hurts. Some people arent ready to hear the truth, arent ready to receive the truth, and then resent the messenger.

But why would I contribute to your fallicies and further perpetrate your fraud? Why would I help you to stay in the dark? Shouldn't I help you get to the light, get to the truth? Isn't it my duty as a friend, lover, sister, child (etc) to help you? I can only show you the truth, you have to come to accept the truth on your own. You have to find your own truth at times, but I cannot support you in calling a lie the truth, because that's how you see it. I can support your effort to find the truth only. If ask me for help, know that my help means being completely honest, with yourself and with me! I know when your not being truthful with me or yourself, your speech and diction will tell on you all the time. You cannot achieve change or enlightenment if you continue to lie to yourself.


Why do people say they want the truth, but when they get it, they cant handle it? Become pissed and resentful? The truth is the truth always! The lies you tell yourself change with every situation? Why go through the trouble of changing the lie to fit the situation, the truth applies to every situation always, why not chose that?

Tookie

Tookie,

I wanted to believe that you'd changed, believe that you would have come out and changed some lives, and done some good... But I'll never get the chance to see that for myself...

RIP Tookie

Dear Love,

I'll be 25 in February and I still haven't found you. Last night while writing in my journal I decided to be honest, and i had an honest cry. "I love out of desperation" that was my epiphany. I love so deep and so long and so hard because i'm afraid of losing love. So I put all the energy I have into loving and I want it to be reciprocated at the same strength. But my love isn't always born out of desperation, sometimes love is there and I don't question why or how, I just know it is. To me, that's love in its purest form...

I have loved a few men in my life. Been in love? Never! I want that more than anything. I want to come home and fins love in my home, lay in loves arms, and know he loves me the same way, without question...

Am I searching for the impossible? Am I looking for something that I will never find? Is my love doomed to stay inside my heart and not be expressed to "him"?

Help me find love... I just want to be loved and to give love... that's what I'm here for, the rest is just filler....

Still in search of you,
Phoenix

love is alive in me, and the ish wont go away, everyday a new reason to love deeper

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. - Anais Nin

Two men in my life have evoked a love so deep in me I cannot explain. For them, impossible doesn't exist. If they only knew what the love I have for them entails, what I am willing to sacrifice and lose to be with them, they would love me back. But as fate and circumstance would have it, neither of them accept the love I have offered... both complain its too much and its scary to have someone love them that much.

Man #1 has been my friend since we were 5. one day my brother threw a basketball at him, and busted his lip. His lip was swollen and scabby, but he was still so beautiful to me. I kissed him and told him I did't care that he looked like that, and if he had to look like that forever, I'd still kiss him. We were six. i told him I was going to marry him and love him and have his babies. Little did he know that at six I was serious as a heart attack. And I found the feeling never really died, just got channeled... I loved him from a far always, didn't tell him until three years ago though. We tried it, it was cool. Tried for 18 months to get it right and it just wouldn't because, he wouldn't let it. It remained non serious. One day he told me that he didn't think he could be the man I wanted. Said I was a diamond, and that he couldn't afford me, window shopping was all he could do when it came to me. And we've remained friends, no love lost. I still love him strong just can't allow myself to be stuck though. We love differently, romantic love cannot exist here, we make better friends I guess...

Man #2 has been in my life for almost 4 years, and I love him for so many reaosn I cannot explain fully. He doesn't know how to accept my love, almost does things so he doesn't have to thinking I'll withdraw the feeling. But I love strong. I have seen him at his lowest and at his best. We make beautiful love, and we click. But he's never been loved like this and he's waiting for me to walk away, and finding every excuse to want to make me. But I've stuck it out with him this long. When I praise him or compliment him he shrinks from the comment. I wish he wouldn't though. He has moved me in a direction I like. Makes me smile everyday. His innocence is refreshing, his mind is a wonderland. But he wont let me love him, wont let me in all the way, I just get snippets and one day passes into his world... I know he wants to love me, but he's so afraid. I can't push him, he has to reach out for my heart on his own. And I've been here willing and able...

Both of them have left me alone in love. All Alone! searching for love... I'm ready... a model advocate for love... Here I am waiting... how long will I wait, search... or is alone my only hope!?


Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,

But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

-Bertrand Russel

It had to be said...To My love: I love you so strong it hurts sometimes...

I find myself in the middle of the war inside your head,
times when you want me and right when it gets good,
you walk away
and say you wanted to be alone anyway,
you show me a side of yourself,
seen, in my mind
only by me
then you retreat inside yourself
and say I shouldn't know these things about you,
I don't know how to make both side happy,
and you don't seem to either,
but I love you anyway, battle scars and all
hoping the fighting ends and the you I see comes out the victor
If I could shed your tears for you,
I would cry rivers and oceans to free you from the pain inside you,
If I could fight the demons you seem to harbor inside
I will, knowing you'd be better without them
If I could hold you until you felt safe,
I'd watch days and weeks even years go by waiting for your security to be concrete
I've watched you grow, and watched you chop yourself down
watched you learn and then undo the teaching,
I watched you succeed and seen you find ways to guarantee your failure

sabotage is your only enemy...not me

Trying to understand being centered... good luck

Balance... it was the first word I learned how spell... cat and dog were too easy...lol...

I learned how to spell it, but never learned how to achieve it...

"Who's fault, no one but myself, things do happenen words can't explain, the only human reasoning, joy mixed with pain..." (Sizzla)

Achieve Balance.... how in the f$#@ do I do that?

Tangent

Sometimes i think I have a sign across my forehead that reads "Tell me random ish at will"... people find ways to tell stuff about themselves that I didn't ask about or want to know.... but they feel it necessary to divulge that info at will... I cant be rude and say i dont want to hear it, but I mean really... why me... yes I have kind eyes (thats what the old folks tell me), but that is not an invitation for babble... ok that's my piece/peace...

It has occured to me....

I feel better today, not in as much pain... Hoooooorah!


"if you know the beginning well, the end will not trouble you"- African Proverb

Um... see the proverb works well in many areas, except love. Following this teaching has left a lot people heart broken...

They think " been here done this, same pattern from jump, so it must mean same pattern to the end" STOP... WAIT A MINUTE.... THINK ABOUT IT....

You are destined and doomed to be alone if you enter every relationship this way, point blank period! If you think its too good to be true because of past experiences, RELAX, RELATE, RELEASE and give it a chance before you sabotage it... Let your other half prove themselves first before you walk into the arms of someone else or just walk out...

Have the faith and courage to believe that love may come your way, regardless of the past!

Love is always fresh and new... even if your trying again with a past love... never carry the crap from the first relatinship into a new one... trying again doesn't mean start where we left off, it means a fresh start, re-doing some of the ish you did wrong the first time...

that's my wisdom for the day....

Bob Marley Lyrics... The Songs people never really acknowledge

Babylon System
We refuse to be
What you wanted us to be
We are what we are
That's the way it's going to be, if you don't know
You can't educate I
For no equal opportunity
Talking about my freedom
People freedom and liberty
Yeah, we've been trodding on
The winepress much too long
Rebel, Rebel
We've been trodding on the
Winepress much too long, Rebel
Babylon System is the Vampire
Sucking the children day by day
Me say the Babylon System is the Vampire
Sucking the blood of the sufferers
Building church and university
Deceiving the people continually
Me say them graduating thieves and murderers
Look out now
Sucking the blood of the sufferers
Tell the children the truth
Tell the children the truth
Tell the children the truth right now
Come on and tell the children the truth

The Belly Full (but We Hungry)
Them belly full but we hungry.
A hungry mob is a angry mob.
A rain a-fall but the dirt it tough;
A pot a-cook but the food no 'nough.
You're gonna dance to JAH music, dance.
We're gonna dance to JAH music, dance.
Forget your troubles and dance.
Forget your sorrow and dance.
Forget your sickness and dance.
Forget your weakness and dance.
Cost of living get so high,
Rich and poor, they start a cry.
Now the weak must get strong.
They say, "Oh, what a tribulation."


Revolution
Revelation reveals the truth - revelation.
It takes a revolution
to make a solution
Too much confusion
so much frustration, eh!I don't wanna live in the park
Can't trust no shadows after dark yeah-eh
So, my friend, I wish that you could see,
Like a bird in the tree, the prisoners must be free, yeah!
Never make a politician grant you a favour
They will always want to control you forever, eh
So if a fire make it burn
And if a blood make ya run ,Rasta de 'pon top , can't you see?
So you can't predict the flop. Eh-eh!
We got lightning , thunder, brimstone and fire - fire
Lightning , thunder , brimstone and fire - fiyah - fire - fiyah!
Kill, cramp and paralyze all weak at conception
Wipe them out of creation , yeah-eah!
Wa-Jah, Jah, Jah! Wa-Jah, Jah, Jah!
Wa-Jah, Jah, Jah!
Oh! Let i'es is i'es , in i'es is black
In i'es is red , in i'es is dread.
Let righteousness cover the earth
Like the water cover the sea, yeah! Yeah!


Revolution requires revelation of your plight, evolution of your thoughts, and a willingness to struggle... Bob taught me that....

Ego Trippin- by me

ok gonna try to do this from the top of the head poem stuff again... ok here we go....



got a decision to make
trying to get my chakras in order
get my spine in line with the truth
but me myself and I keep argueing
keep finding ways to keep us indecisive
how do we get on the same page
id and I arent really friends
cant find the self happiness she seeks
Superego isnt even an aquaintance to myself
she tries to make herself seem stoic
and all i have is emotional me, ego trippin
standing in the middle of id and superego
trying to keep the peace
see the problem is me told id a secret
superego found out and was pissed
and me is crying
and we are trying to stay sane
and not get one of us so mad they leave
or escape
we need each other
and that need is the price of sanity
scared we'll spilt into three parts
and we wont be able to control the other
dissociative identity disorder, yeah we cant have that
Id, we need you to stay focused and be a lil self-less
Myself, we have to be happy with our reflection in the mirror
Me, gotta stay stable and keep the other two inline
Counting on you guys to make we whole

I read blogs... this was a post on Floetry's joint

Somewhere in this story, my protector became my enemy. How am I to be inside this fictional family? For when I show my face, it will change the pace. We've been here before and we'll have to go here some more. But there's a stutter in my step, recorded in the tears I have wept. I'm feeling hesitant, about being so militant. I feel the need to manifest the powers with which I have been blessed. Internally I hear the call, yet externally I fear the Fall. For something is missing, that I know, but I can't remember the truth I sowed. This amnesia makes I feel so conflicted, some say it's a choice that has already been predicted. So I'll stand with the Mother. Enroll in the Mother. Be mentored by the Mother. I absorb through the Mother. And I'll be protected by my Father. I'll be protected by my Father. But my Father must protect my Mother. So who shall protect me?
by Floacist

Tend 2 wear my heart on my sleeve, and people keep makin me change shirts, thinkin it will change my heart; still here, wearing my heart as cuff links

I loved this song from the moment I heard it, for so many reasons, personal and just generally...
It's a conversation piece, no doubt...
Topically its a good way to say what people in realtionships should be saying before they get into a relationship... Just my thoughts... nothing against what people do or think...


Faithful
-Common

Yes, this for the people ... God moves

I was rolling around, in my mind it occurred
What if God was a Her?
Would I treat her the same?
Would I still be runnin' game on Her?
In what type of ways would I want Her?
Would I want her for her mind
Or her heavnly body
Couldn't be out here bogus
With someone so godly
If I was wit her would I still be wantin' my ex
The lies, the greed, the weed, the sex
Wouldn't be ashamed to give
Her part of my check
Wearing a cross, I mean Her heart on my neck
Her I would refelct
On the streets of the Chi
Ride with her.
cause I know for me, she'd die
Though good and bad
Call on her like I'm chirpin Her
Couldn't be jealous
Cause other brothers worship Her
Walk this Earth for HerGlory
I'm grateful to be in Her presence
I try to stay faithful

Faithful to the end
Faithful to the end
Faithful to the end
I'm like her Very best friend

He worked with her
She was this lady's best friend.
Even if they do try, some ladies test men
And this was a test that was bigger than him.
Some believe it's the nature that's givin him in
He had a good gig, a wife, a kid, a decent home.
One reason or another, couldn't find peace at home
She asked, "Why do men always have to stray?"
He said, "I'm bad, but not as bad as Eric Benet."
I used to take them out to eat
But they weren't really eatin'
Might have got a little head But I wadn't really cheatin'
It's hard when your lady don't believe what you sayin
What you did in the past you gotta live with today
She asked if they could spend the night together
He thought and said, "I'm tryin' to get my life together."
Went home to his lady
And these were his confessions
"Baby, you a blessin' and my best friend."

Brain-Hand Coordination

Sometimes my brain moves faster than my hand can write and I lose so many brilliant ( yes I said brilliant, cause I am) lines and phrases... Maybe I should carry a recorder, so I can save them that way... I don't know...

last night every time I tried to do something a new line would come into my head and my hane would start going, and I wouldn't get anything done, took me damn near two hours to take a shower...lol... I got three good poems out, so I felt better about it...

I've written about 10 poems, and two synopses for screenplays in the last two weeks... I think its because I'm happy, truly and genuinely happy. Even with all the mess around me, people owe me money, bills are late because of it, I am cool about it. At ease about it. It will work itself out, at some point. Not worrying has good side affects, I feel truly blessed right now!

The other possibility is I have a new muse in my life. Actually and old muse that resurfaced as a focal point in my life. My muse is beautifully human, and keeps me smiling...

I feel like all my chakras are in line, my soul renewed, and I am moving toward a breakthrough... a real breakthrough... I could scream right now... ( I really cant I'm at work, but I'm screaming on the inside)

Got some new drugs (music) last night.... My boy JonBibbs new release "Unbreakable".... Good ish...
Check him out www.jonbibbs.com, and you can cop the cd at www.cdbaby.com ... It's worth it! And no I'm not just saying it because we're friends or because we dated back in high school... It's from the heart on that one... All of his other releases are available on his site as well.

The music keeps the hands moving too... I'm so addicted its a damn shame... Can't go a day with out the music... there is no rehab for this, and I wouldn't go if there was! I'm a fein, wouldn't function well if I wasn't... I need my drugs, I need my high...