Last day of February... time is moving fast... but I'm keeping up...

Had some prayers answered recently, so I'm hyped! Prayers that were prayed months ago, have come to fruition. Patience seems to be my recurring lesson. And I'm willing to learn it every time.

For the last 10 years I've been watching someone I care about ( didnt always like him, thought he was a prick) sabotage himself constantly. He is a genius, a dreamer, one of the most intelligent people i know, but he does nothing but squander it. Sabotage is his defense, as to nott become a good guy. He loves that thug image, loves that playboy image too much to be the man he knows he was meant to be. And many people are suffering. But he wont stop. He uses the bottle to escape his life, and when he's sober aplogizes for what he did when not. I cant stand him like this. But what am I to do?

I wonder why sabotage is the path for so many? Why can't your life be good and you not feel uncomfotable? I just sit back and wonder sometimes....

25 is the best!

I've been 25 officially for 5 days... 25 is great!!! My head spun when I said out loud to the General, got all woozy and ish... I'm 25 already? Damn how the hell did this happen so quick!? But I'm cool now... I've accepted it for what it is. I've been here for 100 seasons. 25 summers, winters, falls, and springs... and each has felt like I lived another lifetime in each. Maybe in a sense I have. Each season produces different hormone changes in each of us, so we are technically different in each one.

Been given more responsibility at work, they gave me a raise to compensate for it. Pretty nice. And no you can't borrow a dollar!

General,

Sure as the sun rises each morning somewhere in the world
I wake up daily knowing I want to wake up next to you
And each night fall asleep in your arms
the future seems so close with you
like I can reach out and touch it
grew up missing you
but when I had you again the growing continued
and now I'm a growner for real
you allowed me to blossom, to sprout
to spread my wings
and you appreciate each step
and congradulate each as a triumph for the ages
I dig you for that
I love you more for it
and I love how I can be my softest with you
and not feel like I'm standing naked in front of the world
just naked for you
naked in spirit, mind, and naked in soul
and we lay naked just because
we like the way skin feels when touching
you make me feel beautiful
beautiful you loves beautiful me
my gorgeous General
with eyes models would die for
you are mine, because you want to be
I am yours, because I want to be
sustinence gained, I am filled by you always
you are nourished by me
and we grow
us grows
as one....

Saw the movie "Something New"... it was a very ironic movie. It detailed the last four months of my life almost to a tee! Kenya (Saana's character) and I made the right decision...for us!

I recommend you check it out...




General,

We had the PERFECT Valentine's Day... We both know we don't need a holiday to show our love for one another, we show it day in and day out, willingly. Your card was the best card I've ever received. Funny how someone you dont know can write a card that fits us perfectly. Like they sat in with us and recorded our interactions and wrote it out for the public. You are my Valentine for life...143

my truth... my new pressure...

My mothers birthday was this week. I called her every few hours as I always do, keeping her in the b-day mood...

One of our last convo's she mentioned my b-day. Then she said "Well you almost werent here" to which I said " Yes I know the story" ( I was way too small to be born on my due date, so I got held up for almost two weeks, until I gained enough weight) She says " No that's not the whole story." She then explained that it was a really rough time in her life. She was a young mother and wife all by the age of 21, and then she got pregnant with me and it mad a hard situation harder. And she almost ended her pregnancy with me. But every time she tried to go through with it, she couldn't. She said it was against her morals to even go that route, so she would have never been able to do it.

I sat in my cubicle stunned. That was the first time I'd ever heard that part. And I felt an overwhelming pressure released from her, but aquired by me. I am here for a reason bigger than her, bigger than me. Just my duty to fulfill it, but I have to find it first. I mean I know, that although I'm content where I am, there is more out there for me to achieve. My dream is way bigger than being a Junior Credit Analyst, that is my job. My livlihood is breathing oxygen. My career is leading me to do what my heart desires.... writing! That's the move... and I'm finding that all roads are leading in the direction to make it happen....


I promise Mommy it wasn't in vain....

Getting my Growner On....

I used say "When I grow up I'm gonna...." Just realized that those staements were said with the age appropriate immaturity. I'm inching toward 25 and I feel like a grown up for the first time. I am making some strides, ya'll keep up now...

And for the first time in my life I'm more sure about my future, sure about my life partner, sure about my relationship with the Most, sure of the power of prayer, sure of myself... It's a damn good feeling. Kinda felt this before a few times I thought. Difference this time is I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop. My shoes are strapped on, and some days I go barefoot. That's how sure I am. The power of prayer in my life is being shown to me daily. I am content, I am hungry still. I love where I am in my life, but know I cant stay here. There is more to see, more to experience, more to explore, more love to make with my General, have us a few soldiers, make all of our dreams come true, and for me to come into the full fruition of me. I love this moment, and love the next moment more.

General,

We are here... We are going here... I know each step I've taken in my life has lead me to you. We know that it would have been a matter of time before we met... it was our fate.

...He told me
He was the angel that coaxed my first breath
Helped me gain my balance for my first step
And carefully orchestrated each step after
So that we walked into each others lives
At this moment, at this time...

" Your whole being is beautiful. I'ma do the best I can do, cause I'm my best when I'm with you..."

143,

Carebear

It's funny how warped our perception of what being in love feels like and looks like... what's worse is the many people who don't recognize it, and miss out on it...

I was one of those that thought being in love was like walking on cloud nine, a constant state of nirvana. I recognized the falling in love part, but missed the actual being in love part. I was still waiting to feel the utopia effect, and when I didn't, I thought it was all wrong. I didn't realize I was really in love until it was all taken away from me. I didn't know or recognize the feeling as being in love.

It took me 24 years to fall in love and when it finally happened I was unaware it had. I think that was the part the hurt the most. But then again it may be that I did recognize it subconsciously, and my fears took over and didn't allow me to make a conscious effort to keep it or an open mind to accept it.

But I've recognized and accepted it now...

I figured out I was in love because when I prayed about love, my mind immediately went to him right after "Amen". I was praying to find the man that God had in mind for me. For me to recognize him. And each prayer ended with him on my mind. When I would envision my future, he'd be my partner in it all. My future didn't look/feel right without him in it. It was frustrating and confusing. And all too hard to deal with. But I continued to pray and accept all that was being showed to me.


I know for me being love has opened me to so much. My mind is clearer, and my mind state has changed. I realized that inside there were parts of myself that I hadn't explored, parts of my emotions that hadn't been allowed to express themselves. But I know now how, why and when to do so.

It is a beautiful thing though. But not that TV in love crap...

I am in love... Blessings and Honor to God for allowing me to experience this feeling... A blessing it truly is to feel it, to see it, to recognize it in his eyes as well...

See the thing about fairytales in my opinion is, they leave the critical scenes out. I don't really remember too many fairytales that had arguements, disagreements, people separating and finding each other again.

Its always so lovely, the prince comes and sweeps her off her feet, they fall in love, some outside force tries to separate them, and they overcome without any real adversity. Real love stries dont follow that pattern to a T.

And I think that's where a lot of women go wrong. They are looking to be swept off the their feet, looking to be wooed, and fall in love without effort. But the reality is love takes time, love hurts, love heals, love is a driving force, love can also be a dividing force. Love is the strongest force in the universe. People don't realize as much as love is innate in all of us, we still have to learn how to love in ways. People place a lot of emphasis on loving someone, but not enough on loving them the right way. The feeling of love is universal, but when it comes to loving individuals, each person requires a different level and strength of love. No one can love exactly the same and no can be loved exactly the same way.

But as Queen Sheba said " Love is not a hussler, people hussle love"

I was a victim to the fairytale. I just knew it had to go that way. Never knew love didn't have script like a fairytale. But day by day I'm learning the everyones's fairytale is different, everyone cant live and love the same, and your story will never be the same as anyone elses. I'm accepting my story. Allowing time and God to help me rectify the ending....