Wednesday, November 30, 2005

More Fire



Sat here today thinking about my life and saying to myself... i really dont regret anything. at least nothing significant.
There were some bad decisions, some dumb moves, some low moments, some low blows given and taken.... but I'm still here...

Had I not chosen this route I would have been somewhere else doing something else... only I wouldn't be as happy as I am now!

Mistakes have curved my life's path into a zig zag that I was/am so proud to call my own. I am blessed to have the people around that i do. Blessed to do spoken word, to write my books and poetry, to be me in always and in all ways...

I am living a life of struggle but its a beautiful struggle my friends... many ask why I didnt go the route of others... I say that wasnt my path, not my journey...

To all the haters in my life... You didn't break me, not deter me, I just make my path go around you, and I see you in the rearview... put that in your pipe and smoke it!

I'm Still Here.... "Fire Burn Oona Fi Better Learn"

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Get it Together

Another day another decision made for me without regards to my feelings, my needs, me in general.

I told my sometimish pseudo best friend that I'm in a transitional stage in my life. Only for her to tell me that it was all wrong. I told her that I missed our friendship, she said it is what it is. She'd rather focus her energies into her man than into our friendship. And that if we were really friends i'd be there phone calls or not, hanging out or not. She'd call when she could... She said she felt like being able to hold your emotions in and not cry and not feel was progression. I beg to differ. It's regression in my book. Some people deal with pain and rejection differently, she chose not to feel anything after hers. " Everyone leaves, everyone has an agenda" So I'm left scrambling again. No one person I can depend on. And she said its called self reliance, I should only depend on myself, period. I'm still swallowing the whole convo, keep choking on the lump in my throat.

I prayed for her last night, a detailed prayer. Asked that she be healed from the pain of love and the pain she's been swallowing for so long. And for to allow herself to feel and be ok with feeling it. To be more than she is, to ask for mor than she's accepting. I asked God to give me my friend back. I left it in His hands...


...

"Get It Together"
One shot to your heart without breaking your skin
No one has the power to hurt you like your kin
Kept it inside, didn't tell no one else
Didn't even wanna admit it to yourself
And now your chest burns and your back aches
From 15 years of holding the pain
And now you only have yourself to blame
If you continue to live this way

Get it together
You wanna heal your body
You have to heal your heart
Whatsoever you sow you will reap
Get it together
You can fly fly


Dark future ahead of me
That's what they say
I'd be starving if I ate all the lies they fed
Cause I've been redeemed from your anguish and pain
A miracle child
I'm floating on a cloud
Cause the words that come from your mouth
You're the first to hearS
peak words of beauty and you will be there
No matter what anybody says
What matters most is what you think of yourself

The choice is yours
No matter what it is
To choose life is to choose to forgive
You don't have to try
To hurt him and break his pride
To shake that weight off
And you will be ready to fly

One shot to your heart without breaking your skin
No one has the power to hurt you like your friends
Thought it will never change but this time moved on
An ugly duckling grew up to be a swan
And now your chest burns and your back aches
Because now the years are showing up on your face
But you're never be happy
And you'll never be whole
Until you see the beauty in growing old

Get it together
You wanna heal your body
You have to heal your heart
Whatsoever you sow you will reap
Get it together
You can fly fly...

Gotta Get It Together Self...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Us Right Brained Folks...

They say left handed people are the only people in their right minds... Well my grama smacked my hand everytime she saw the pen in my left, forced the right hand to do the work, but my brain compensated by allowing the poetry to come out right (get it?)

To quote Dan Pink, " . . . the 'right brain' qualities of inventiveness, empathy, joyfulness, and meaning - increasingly will determine who flourishes and who flounders."

Right Brain vs. Left Brain

Definition

This theory of the structure and functions of the mind suggests that the two different sides of the brain control two different "modes" of thinking. It also suggests that each of us prefers one mode over the other.


Discussion

Experimentation has shown that the two different sides, or hemispheres, of the brain are responsible for different manners of thinking. The following table illustrates the differences between left-brain and right-brain thinking:

Left Brain
Logical
Sequential
Rational
Analytical
Objective
Looks at Parts

Right Brain

Random
Intuitive
Holistic
Synthesizing
Subjective
Looks at wholes


Most individuals have a distinct preference for one of these styles of thinking. Some, however, are more whole-brained and equally adept at both modes. In general, schools tend to favor left-brain modes of thinking, while downplaying the right-brain ones. Left-brain scholastic subjects focus on logical thinking, analysis, and accuracy. Right-brained subjects, on the other hand, focus on aesthetics, feeling, and creativity.


How Right-Brain vs. Left-Brain Thinking Impacts Learning

Curriculum--In order to be more "whole-brained" in their orientation, schools need to give equal weight to the arts, creativity, and the skills of imagination and synthesis.

Instruction--To foster a more whole-brained scholastic experience, teachers should use instruction techniques that connect with both sides of the brain. They can increase their classroom's right-brain learning activities by incorporating more patterning, metaphors, analogies, role playing, visuals, and movement into their reading, calculation, and analytical activities.

Assessment--For a more accurate whole-brained evaluation of student learning, educators must develop new forms of assessment that honor right-brained talents and skills.



Left brain thinkers are good readers (discrete input/processing). Rightbrain thinkers prefer pictures (holistic input/processing). Other leftbrain thinkers prefer conversations and like to tell jokes and "warstories" (discrete input/processing). Right brain thinkers prefer music (holistic input/processing). Left brain thinkers analyze (break downinto discrete parts); right brain thinkers synthesize (build wholes). Left brain thinkers are present-oriented, quick thinking and reactionary. Right brain thinkers are future-oriented, "deep" thinking and imaginative.


Although we are all highly creative right-brain thinkers, we recognize that tactics must be rooted in strategy. And at the end of the day, a strong brand is critical. So healthy dollops of left-brain logic provide the focus for our creativity. For us, planning is a way of thinking, a unique way of looking at the world, whatever the challenge. (Jess Armont Communications Mission Statement)

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

"Tried to call the cops, that type of theif they cant arrest"

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sagslike a heavy load.
Or does it explode?- Langston Hughes

Well Langston I'll tell you.... The friggin loan companies hunt you down for their money!

I tried to be the diligent child and go to school right afetr high school, I honestly wasnt ready, had too much personal ish to deal with and I tried to do it all at the same time. Ended up in therapy for 2 years. And I dropped out, I like to say I left, but my transcript says they kicked me out for bad grades... I couldnt deal I was imploding and school was not on the top of my list of things to do...

Now I'm in a good place, ready to go back for real and ready to make moves and learn... But the damn loan companies want their money... I'm being raped monthly by them... now there is some loan that I supposedly signed for that has just returned from being lost in the cosmos and unattached to my consolidated joints... education is a gold diggin hussy! the heffer gets her money anyway she can...

I'm ready to go back, but the cost is significant---- another $60,000 added to my $15,000 already in loans...This shit should be a crime...

But I'm trying to figure it all out... how to work fulltime and go full time... and stay sane....

Lord,
I'm begging, pleading for something to work out. I place it in your hands....

Your child is in need of a miracle, see fit the need is met...

Love all ways and in always
Me

Monday, November 21, 2005

Just my thoughts...

A few months ago I started a new behavior in my life: when I feel it, say it... It has been working for me for the most part, its alot easier on my mind and spirit by allowing me to be free to say how I feel. It relieves the pain of withholding emotions from people, especially whenI'm the only one who suffers...

I feel like I can scream certain emotions from the mountain top. There are people i want to call everyday to say "I Love you" to. I want people to know my love, to feel my love, daily. I try to be love in all areas of my life. I expel anger and hate from my body daily. I refuse to let those emotions dictate how I live my life, and to dictate how others see me.

Friday I had funky couple of hours. Had been rolling my eyes at people and just being onery, for no good reason. Yeah I could blame it on PMS (first time in years I've had it) my attitude changed like a pendulum, and I knew it. I called my mom and told her I was being funky. First thing she asked "What did you do?", I laughed and told her about rolling my eyes ans such. We made small talk and she was talking about me to her co-workers,a bout how grown I think I am living in NYC (she was acting all proud to have an independent child). Then as she was talking "Purple Rain" started playing on my computer. Why did my mom start singing it? Came in right on cue and mimicked him so well... it was hilarious. Changed my mood for the day... and I thank her for it...

Next Subject

Why are people so scared of love? or rather Why are people so scared to be loved the right way?

When love comes into our lives, we recognize it, but so many of us shrink away from it. We've seen this before, been here before, felt this before so we're on guard waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why? Each of us yearns to be loved, and when it come to us in its purest form we find ourselves in disbelief. We start to plan for the failure instead of just living in the moment. Just feel the love tingle, just be there experiencing it with the one you love. Tomorrow will come, but in that moment just live each second each minute to the fullest. Love is patient, kind, and every other good word in our vocabulary, so why fear it. We should all want to have something so good in our lives.

I know I fear love, being loved the right way is a scary thing. To hear someone say it, and know that it is pure and it is deep, is scary as hell to hear and to feel. It brings up past love experiences that failed and your heart is weary and leary of going to that place again. But I have put it in my mind that I will not allow my fear to keep me from loving and being loved. It it fails, it fails. I learned how to love better from it.

Next Subject

Actually there is no next subject... Love is the only subject my friend.

"I want a love
that is beautifully ridiculous" (THEHOPEFUL)


So do I...

Friday, November 18, 2005

"Here I Sit" by Me, PhoenixRising

This poem was created about 9-10 months ago. It was based off of a song by Me'shell N'degeocello... simple hook... "here I sit outside your door, talk to me"



Withheld information some how disguises itself as the secret
That holds me on the outside of your heart
I’ve never wanted to know a secret so badly as this one
Never wanted to know about your past loves
But you told me anyway
As a means of assuring me that my position was secure
You told me about your dirt, the silly things you did in college
Never needed to know about those senseless acts
But you said it was necessary that I understand them
To understand your conservative actions now
I’ve seen the tears in your eyes when you are hurt
When you say I love you the way your eyes mist
But I have yet to pierce that wall you’ve created
I have yet to be invited in, fully
You are honest when asked, you answer when spoken to
But I feel like I make you do these things, like I exorcise them from your body
With enough prodding and a smile, I’ll get you to talk to me
No voluntary action on your part
You say I love you with ease
I ask you what you are feeling, you cannot answer
You begin to speak and it’s robotic, methodic
Like you’re editing the lines as they come forth
And stop yourself like it will give away your secret
The thing you hold on to so dearly,
As if the very breath you breathe will stop if it all comes out
And if you feel too open you retreat inside self
Leaving me staring into the windows of your soul
Never to be invited in
Here I sit outside your door
Talk to me
How can I get an invitation inside you?
Am I worth a visit or can I move in?
I am willing to break the wall down brick by brick
Sleep outside the door to your heart and wait
Hoping you’ll invite me in
Maybe a visit today, an overnight stay or two
Willing and waiting
My strongest weakness I love you and….
Here I sit outside your door, talk to me


I'm here willing and ready whenever you are... 143

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

THEHOPEFUL is killing me softly with his words

Excerpt from "noonish and naked at the same time"


born this way
and will end the same
scars seen better this way
visually you can picture them now and need not imagine what I'm telling you
the marks on my back
natural and un
trails of the lands Ive traveled searching myself for something many told me I'd see in myself before I would with someone else
mistakes made while looking and others happening while cooking the cells I trapped myself in wanting to be so insignificant
scents of the women I've layed next to, maybe wanting to, maybe not, but it happened so I have perfumed myself with lust that I wanted to be love at times
the more I say the more some would say I give you but I say the less I do cause I'm making myself more confused about what im trying to do and, who are you?
memories of special people that have come and gone, and I wonder whom I'll be special too and if I'll be missed and remembered by them and what exactly it was that I'd do
attempting to wait to see my own development from a child I work with to create and how that child we create, me and my wife, cause she should be, but what we'll see, you or me, asking ourselves
wondering whats death like and if heaven is how everyone after you remembers your name, making hell all the same, the good or bad that you do

Out da woodwork....

I don't know what it is, I don't know why but my ex's are coming to get me... Sometimes it feels like they call each other plan to all call me within days of each other. Maybe I'm being paranoid, who cares, this ish is crazy. In the last 7 days I have heard from about 4 ex's.

That's eerie to me. Like they know I'm feeling somebody else. I mean I'm trying to go as slowly as humanly possible with the new "him", he and I aren't even a we, just cool peoples. And the ex's have "spidey senses" and just popped up...

Damn, I don't know what to do. I mean we are all friends and such, call for b-days and holidays, and when really important stuff happens, but 5 times a year tops. This calling and leaving messages and calling again stuff is weird too...

Then they all ask: "Are you seeing anyone?" Do you really want the answer dog? I hope not cause I aint comfortable giving it.

Well in talking to the last ex I found out like 5/6 people I went to high school with are "smokin that slave"... crack heads basically... That's nuts to me. They were the cool people, down to earth folks, and they puffin and snortin that white devil... I feel bad for them, truly I do.

One especially, she was like my lil sis, but time and school and space separated us. Her brother died while we were in school (R.I.P G, God bless the dead), and she changed. Started acting out, hanging with the Niggaz ( I know I shouldn't use that word, but you gotta call a spade a spade), and just barely making it. Now to hear this, breaks my heart.

I'll check for her when I go home for the holidays. Definitely.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Freestyle... I'ma sit here and write a poem, off the top of my head...

I wonder
Am I the only one you got feeling like this
Are your words only for me
do you share yourself with anyone else
Is that "good good" all for me
I'd hate to believe that you go off giving samples
I cant lay claim to you
technically you arent even mine
so why am I wondering about what you do when your not with me
I hope you're saving it all for me
hope you're giving it all to me


Sorry thats all I could get out, my 9-5 demands I run a new customer list...

Another Lazy Day Alone

Yesterday, was a lonely day for me. You know how you have those people you speak to everyday, and the one day you dont speak to them nothing goes right? Nothing feels right? That was yesterday for me.

Spent the day wishing to be in the arms of someone, just spending a lazy day. Watching TV, playing video games, just doing us. Acting a complete fool, walking around in my draws kinda day. I wish I had the day to share with my special "him". But he wasn't there. I wish he was though.

Got me thinking about getaway adventures with him, seeing things I never saw. Like going to the mid-west, like hitting an island, going away for a few days, not telling anyone where we are on purpose, no distraction, nothing but us enjoying us.

The one emotion I am uncomfortable with (actually two, well maybe they are the same), is missing someone, yearning for someone. That feeling makes you sick to your heart, especially if time and space arent on your side. It makes me withdraw from the world, makes me feel alone. I feel alone because "he" is the one person in the world i want with me right now. "He" makes all the problems I have not seem so big. When I'm around "him" I am whole and serene. Whole not because he filled a void, whole because I am completely me.

So "him" if you're reading this, you'll know who you are, maybe because you feel the same. Maybe you wanted to write this too, maybe just maybe you want me too....

Friday, November 11, 2005

Another snippet from THEHOPEFUL

I
thought of telling you
that I breathe differently away from you
I am someone else while with you
making me not understand what it is about you
that I get, admire, adore, and want from you
more to come
but time is ending
and
you and I
are growing
together and apart at the same time
like love is fading and growing at the same time
and I wonder why this time it had to be between
u and i

My new favorite poem

Written By THEHOPEFUL
(excerpt)
... i tell myself say no youve done enough
dont do more
but i want you more and more every day
i cant even understand
i do whatever you say ask suggest
as though you are god
truth is i know whats best
not for me but for you
maybe for me in dealing with you
walking away going to this place i dont like
still have to for time beings call it home
not bitter
just been shitted on too many times til now
trying to clean myself
but dont know what to use to clean
myself my life needs more then soap
not funky
just f'd up
i tell you the truth while lying to you
am i wrong
in the end its all the truth
i just dont want you to know how i make my proof
so i sit by my phone
listening to my heartbeat
quickening as it rings
thinking its you
out of luck, again not you
and its past midnight
no one else takes phone calls
who's playing with my heart
no one besides myself
thinking id get what i want
after what ive done as i want
dont forgive myself
for getting my heartbroke
cause i dont understand how it kept getting broke
and here i am still without you
with you heartbroke
choking on feelings i hold back
cause i just dont want to lose you
by saying that
some things dont need to be said
love is more precious
than just getting something off my chest
wishing id move on
but i figure id move through this again
while do it again if i cannot do it now
and i look at lovers
wondering if itll be us
lovers arent lovers anymore
seems like bill payments
staying for the kids
maybe two crackheads using their heads
two is better than one
one is better than two when one hurts you
after all that happened
prayers could have been answered and me
i just didnt listen cause i wanted and didnt want to listen
what do you do when you're an ignorant fool
believing in something that is leaving
like dying saying ima be alive tomorrow
resting in my coffin not breathing
thinking to myself as i look down
i aint jesus
got everything he had though
family
foes
a belief
pain
maybe women that want to love me
but wanting to have what i feel i love
scared that i heard my father wrong
still doing what im asked to do cause i love him and you
so im trying to make both worlds better
mine and yours
mine is insignificant
it comes it goes
yours is everything to me
id love to be in it
would you let me in it
would you let me love you
theres nothing that i really can do
id tell you i love you over and over again
id help you til you knew you were
the woman youve always been
id give your children a home too
somewhere to come when they were scared
someone to talk to
someone they can cry on
someone that they could use to fight off fears
id fight for you
if i couldnt be, id fight for your husband too
id stand by his side saying i love her too
youd have to get through two instead of one this time
and anytime
id protect you as much as i can
im promising things i maybe cant do
but the thing is to me that this is what i really want to do
why i couldnt tell you and to be honest
im scared of you
my heart is controlled by you
movements by you
words spoken by you
questions from you comments from replies ive had for you
i wish i was around nine
id send you a letter saying
yes no maybe so
if so when where and how long
id write
little girl i stare at in my dreams
you are my world
i wait for recess
so i can watch you unlike the rest
id share whats in my lunch
if youd walk me outside
and back in
and when you leave class id meet you
by the coat rack
and say ill see you tomorrow
maybe one day my mom will let me call you
til then this is something i drew and wrote for you
open it when you get home on top 'ur eyes only'
but id hope youd tell your freinds so they wouldnt talk to me
and tell other boys not to mess with you cause
they'll have to mess with me
but who am i,
and how old am i
too old for that
way too old for that
but if itd work id take it back to that
me you everyday
make it known for everyone else waiting to get you on the phone
that my heart longs for you
that id do what it takes just to keep you
that if i had to id challenge every man
and say if you had to in this situation what would you do
to see if i or them were better for you
as though i am
just wishin, fishin through questions to find if i am
i just gotta have you!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Floetry...




Last night I went to the Floetry concert @ SOB's.... it was the best concert I have been to so far... It was great, they were great, really down to earth type chicks, they were really silly like that though. It showed they were really friends... They weaved old and new stuff together, had different instrumentation on some songs, they sounded like the cd, really crisp, really clear, really pure... They broke out and did anold school section, and basically rocked it...I wanna go again....

Their opening act was a guy named Tony Hussle. His sound is like Prince meets Raphael Saddiq, it was cool, lots of rock influences. He weighhed all of two lbs., pants kept falling down... We were in the front and he decided he wanted to flirt with me... threw his towel at me, it just fell to the the floor. He kept pointing at me and making all kinds of gestures, I just laughed... I was in tears with laughter...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Opened Up, like a can of worms...lol

Today has been kinda drab, havent really done too much, but a good day, I mean I feel good, I look good, feel kinda cute today.... just bored...but that's normal... I need constant stimulation, a gift and a curse of sorts....


I'm learning a lot about people, I guess because I'm finally learning to be open to the teaching... I'm taking time out to analyze them, listen to what they are really saying with their mouths, eyes, body etc. I'm diggin the people around me even more because of it. I've opened up... wow... pray nothing makes me close up again, I like this feeling... I mean I've always been pretty open. Ask the right question I'll answer, nothing to hide with anyone. There was only one subject I wouldnt speak about my whole life, until 2001, and when I did, my life changed... it was truly a soul awakening... A Rebirth of Slick...lol

I'm an "open book" as they say, but should I be? I've always been, but is that wrong? I don't think it is, beecause it got me this far, and seems to be working.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Good Times...

This weekend was great! I had so much fun... I decided to just let go of all the crap that I had been holding onto. Let go of the hurt, the pain, the insecurities, and I was able to be me, the real me without question or back lash. It was invigorating, enlightning, it was fresh, it was new, it was ME!!!!!!! Finally no more holding me back... I hung out with two of my closest friends and it was cool! The convo's were more in depth and easier to have because I could speak without editing the words in my head first. So, I feel great this morning. At ease.

I realized this weekend to that love comes in all forms shapes and sizes when you need it. It can be romantic or plutonic love, but love non the less. When the two combine, that's something to hold on to, something to build on. I'm not saying we all get it that way, but sometimes it comes and we dont know its there. And reveals itself as such, when the time is right. But the trick is not to rush it. Not to move too fast or think that you don't have to work to keep it.

With the last realtionship I had, that's exacrtly what we did. Some of it unconsciously, but we did it. And now we aren't a we, he and I are friends sorta-kinda- in a way. Once the relationship was gone we only had a shell of a friendship. How it will right itself I don't know, I don't know that it can. He and I have two different outlooks on how it should work. So we may never get on the same page... time will tell...

But this weekend I saw what it looked like for myself. What love in allaspects could feel like. And I want it. Like I want it today. But I know it takes time and work, and effort. And I'm on a road to gaining it. Completely and wholly.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Mystery...

For the past couple of days the Today Show has been exploring mysterious religions. I've been very intrigued by it, to say the least.

Monday they covered they Mormon (The Church of Jesus Christ, The Latter-Day Saints) religion. I knew most of the principles of the religion. I had friends in high school who were Mormon. They believe in a secondary book, The Book of Mormon, given to a young man more than a hundred years ago. The book claims that Jesus visited America, and it relays the message He gave in his travels here. They are now strying and have been foe more than a century from the term Mormon. They say it was a derogatory term, used to separate them. They believe in a code of conduct that they feel is healthier. Such as no alcohol, no caffeine, no dating until age 16, and the required missionary work for all members. They trying to change the image of marriage according to the church. Most people associate polygamy with Mormons. The church oficailly banned polygamy more than a century ago. Those who still practice, according to the church, are not following the church tennets and are breaking the law.

Tuesday they covered Kabbalah. This I found to be confusing some what. They claim that Kabbalah is not a religion, but a faith. Kabbalah can be traced back to before Christ. It is a form of Jewish Mysticism. They believe that Kabbalah in addition to any religion enhances the believers understanding of God and faith. The celebrity pull to Kabbalah they say was not an intention more like a reaction to the truth of Kabbalah. I still havent gotten the full understanding of this because there are so many secrets and so many rituals never before seen in the open. I'll try and find out some more.

Today it was all about Scientology. A religion created in the late 60's by L. Ron Hubbard. they dont beleve in psychology/psychiatry & no drugs. They say they believe in God, but that humans can get to a higher level and therefore be closer to God. It's called "thetan"( please excuse the spelling it's pronounced "thay-tan") level. Its the closet a human can get to God. They also believe that all of your failures and successes are all a product of the mind games we as humans who dont seek the highest level find ourselves. We have the ability to change ourselves and the world around us all by the thoughts we have.

Me, personally, I need to be near a cross! That's my belief. I'm not one who decifers between the many denominations. I am a Christian, follower of Christ. I believe in the Bible. I believe in the Trinity. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in baptism by water. I just don't know, or maybe I dont have the understanding to know which denomination is correct. I just know that it boils down to your relationship with God on an individual level. He will judge you as an individual, not as a member of a specific church. Now I'm not the most religious person, I'm not in church every weekend. But I do make time everyday to Thank the Man upstairs, for life& breath.