Coretta Scott King... she taught us how to walk with dignity and gave us the definition of regal...

ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) --

Coretta Scott King, the widow of slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr., died Monday night in California, according to a former aide and a public relations firm representing the family.

Coretta King, 78, suffered a stroke and a mild heart attack last August. She was receiving further medical treatment in California in her rehabilitation.

"This is a very sad hour," U.S. Rep. John Lewis, the Democrat from Georgia, told CNN on Tuesday.

"She was the glue. Long before she met and married Martin Luther King Jr. she was an activist," he said.

The Rev. Fred Shuttlesworth, a family friend, described her as a "matriarch of the movement, a patriot of all that America stands for," in an interview with CNN affiliate WSB-TV in Atlanta.
On January 14, King made a surprise appearance in Atlanta at a Salute to Greatness dinner as part of the Martin Luther King Day celebrations, receiving a standing ovation as she waved at the crowd.

She did not speak at the event and was in a wheelchair.

Born in Marion, Alabama, on April 27, 1927, Coretta Scott graduated as valedictorian of her high school class and attended Antioch College in Yellow Springs, Ohio. She received a B.A. in music and education and then studied concert singing at the New England Conservatory of Music in Boston, Massachusetts. She got a degree in voice and violin, according to her official biography.

While there, she met a theology student at Boston University, Martin Luther King Jr. They married on June 18, 1953, in her hometown of Marion.

As the young pastor began his civil rights work in Montgomery, Alabama, Coretta Scott King worked closely with him, organizing marches and sit-ins at segregated restaurants while raising their four children: Yolanda Denise, Martin Luther III, Dexter Scott and Bernice Albertine.
She also performed in "Freedom Concerts," singing and reading poetry to raise money for the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, the organization which Dr. King led as its first president.

The family endured the beating, stabbing and jailing of the civil rights leader, and their house was bombed.

After an assassin's bullet killed her husband in Memphis in 1968, Coretta Scott King turned her grief into the nurturing of her husband's legacy. She founded the King Center for Nonviolent Social Change in Atlanta, a memorial to her husband's work and dream.

She spoke out "on behalf of racial and economic justice, women's and children's rights, gay and lesbian dignity, religious freedom, the needs of the poor and homeless, full-employment, health care, educational opportunities, nuclear disarmament and ecological sanity," her biography on The King Center's Web site said.

"She wore her grief with dignity," said the Rev. Joseph Lowery, a civil rights leader. "She moved quietly but forcefully into the fray. She stood for peace in the midst of turmoil."

If there was a crash course in how to mend a broken heart
I would have taken it day before yesterday
My hearts been broken more than a time or two
I should have this down packed
but I don't
I don't heal quickly from injury
my scabs linger
and my wounds tend to get infected
I relapse at will
I fight to stay healthy
but my mind does its own thing
causing depressions and self doubt
supressed feelings and denial
and I am mortally wounded today
last trist with love left me unable to heal
not for lack of trying
I'm just a bloody mess inside
and its coming out in my tears
never been here before, didn't know how to do this
so I did what I could, and it wasn't enough
I am scorned by him
despised by me, for lack of courage

Timing's all off....

I figured it out this weekend... I'm such a damn fool... DELAYED REACTION!!!!! That's what this is. I never grieved for us. I never allowed myself to feel everything, I just wanted so bad to be removed from the situation that I ignored and otherwise dismissed all the feelings I had for him. And now four months later I'm feeling it. Because I gave myself permission to feel it finally. And I'm cool with it, for now. Never had this happen before. I know what triggered it though, and that was enough to send my emotions into a volcanic eruption. But I'm going through it right now, to say the least. Feels weird being so far removed from the time. But everything happens for a reason... I still don't know thw reason it happened this way, but I'm allowing myself to feel it...

To My Ex's (the pseudo ones too)

Miek,Ant,Clis, O,

I apologize to you all for not giving you me completly. I apologize for not being able to voice my fears, my hopes and dreams with you. I'm sorry I couldn't be the woman in your life. I wish I knew how to make this right, but I can't. Everything happens for a reason they say. So we're apart because the timing was off, or all our ducks wouldn't line up. God only knows...

Miek, we both know if you were the man you are now back than we'd be married by now, probably have a couple babies tugging on our ankles. But the timing of our growths were a little off. I see in you what I wanted back then, and smile. I don't know if having you now would fulfill all the desires I had back then. I too, am a new woman, and all you wanted me to be may not be what I am. I ached a little knowing you had a seed with someone else, only because that was a dream we had for us. But I pray that you become the man he needs in his life. We know what that means. No need to delve any further. I hope the woman that catches your heart remembers to let you win some of the battles, lets you be by yourself when you need it, recognizes the sensitive man you are, and allows herself to be loved the Miek way.


Ant, I have loved you since I was six years old, and this aint going away. I will always love you, but I may not always be in love with you. You told me I was a diamond, but you couldn't afford me, all you could do was window shop. Meaning you couldn't give me all I deserve right now. And I understand that. I do. Maybe one day you will be all that, but I wont promise I'll wait around for you to get it together. If you end up ith anyone other than me, I hope she gets what you've been building yourself up for. I hope she realizes too, that you are so gentle and sensual, it requires finesse to keep you. I hope she moves you to the greatness you have in you. I hope she inspires the many ideas and proposals you come up with. You are a ball of energy when excited, its facinating to see you happy. I wish that for you always...


Clis, there are so many reasons I want you back, so many reeasons to say "Let's try again"... but I fear looking like a fool to you. I don't want to chase you, or point out why we should. I believe if we were meant to be we'll find our way back to each other. Your the first person I've wanted back, in a while. Normally I release them soon after and move on, but with you it's hard to move on. Maybe I can't quit you, who knows. But I know you are a beautiful man, with the potential to be and do everything your heart desires. You are a dreamer, a strategist, a realist (at times), a man in so many ways. You aren't afraid to express yourself, emotionally and spiritually. I appreciated you above all. Circumstances shadowed so much for us. We both had some kinks, we both chose the route we saw best. We had a plan, but our plan wasn't the plan, at that time. I do regret so much it hurts knowing I may have caused all of this. Time will tell. A wish and a prayer may be our only hope. Either way the wind blows, you'll find your happiness. Your idealic love... I wish that for you too... I promise, promise, promise I do...

O, you were a fantasy come to life. A fantasy that lasted four years. We had it, we lost it. However brief it was. No I wont point fingers, no need for that. I know you are more than you are willing to become. No amount of demons can prevent growth coupled with will power. So I pray you find yourself, the you, you've been hiding all this time. You are a man of great hope, a man in search of answers and you ask the right questions. You are so innocent in so many ways. Live life, don't let it pass you by.

Be well, live and love freely

Phoenix

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To gain some reciprocity
See, no one loves you more than me
And no one ever will...1

I'm tired of fighting my way through
tired of fighting to keep you...
you should want to stay...


To All of My Ex's Momma's That didn't like me...

I know you all didn't like me. I knew you couldn't figure out how or why your sons wanted me. I'm not especially gorgeous. I'm not the average girl. I wear heels when I have to, I wear skirts and dresses only when I have somewhere to go. I don't wear make-up, and I don't have relaxed hair. You all said I was too quiet, too reserved. And what ever other excuse you had to try to disparage your sons decisions to be with me.

But what you all missed was I had love. And to your sons that's what mattered. I wasn't who you saw your sons with, so you put the bug in their ears that something wasn't right or you out right sabotaged the realtionship. Now who was really hurt? He and I. You watch his hurt and say he'll be ok and prod him to move on. My hurt never plays a role except in my own life. You've stripped them away from me, and say it was for the best. The best for who? you? I have/had a vested interest in your sons and your families. Even still. I ask about you all and your families. I still care...

I used to want to blame you all for the lack of love in my life. Say your son may have been that one that moved me to matrimony. I used to say you all stole my chance at happiness. I carried years of resent and all out anger towards you. But recently I realized that holding on to the resent and anger is the reason why I haven't found happiness. So I forgave you in prayer. Prayed you'd find happiness in your own lives and that you come to accept whom ever your son chooses. No, it wont be me, have no fear. I still wish for them to be happy, even if it's not with me.

Sincerely,

Phoenix


1. Lauryn Hill "Ex-Factor"

The answer is in the same room you asked the question in....

Sure was... Yesterday I had a SERIOUS mood swing... Like bungi jumping but no snap back up... it was sudden and very disturbing... Felt like I didn't want to blow up on somebody, like I could really break on somebody....I felt myself getting really uneasy in my skin and felt like I needed to retreat... So I left work early, and went home to think about some stuff... Found the answers were in my room the whole time...

For the last couple weeks been feeling like I'm missing something... my MOJO was missing in action... that thing that sets me apart... my skills in the art of Mackin are lackin... but as I said to J yesterday maybe its a sign of growth... No more chasing, no more playing games, no more pimping... I'm losing my PSBP card as I get older.... (pimpin since been pimpin)... AWE MAN! I've never been the dating type.... "Hi my name is __________ and I'm a serial monogamist"...
That's where I live, I have these all out relationships, loving and livin, then they fall apart and i move into the next one... I space my relationships out, go through healing and such, then I attempt to move on...

But I'm healing now, been for a while, taking the steps to be better for the next, but nobody to be better for... I'm going to be 25 in about three weeks... That in itself is a rough revelation, but again Valentines Day and My B-Day are going to be spent alone... I should be used to it by now but I'm not... I had a Valantine last year for the first time in like three years... This year, this pivotal year in my life, I should have one too, but I don't.

My mom is giving up hope in me finding someone. I hear it in her voice when the topic comes up. She used to make it seem like I had forever to be with someone and build a life. But the older I get the less she says that. It's a question of why I'm not seeing anyone and have I thought about being with someone. Not so good to hear from your momma... She married young and started a life with kids very early... she didn't want that for me, and she used threats and reverse psychology to keep me from doing so... I've surpassed her in that... 25, no husband, no kids, a decent job, my own spot, bills are going down and I'm going to start school soon... and she pointed out all this togetherness I have going for myself but who will I share it with? She says she's not ready for grandkids though, but my gramma wants me knocked up soon... That old lady (no disrespect toward her, this is actually what I call her to her face "Look here Old Lady"... she tells me she's not old and the convo continues) told me that I should've been knocked up by now... that old lady is crazy!

Got me thinking though... Why am I not out sowing my wild oats (aint nothing wild about me believe me, a few tattoos and a piercing or two doesn't make me wild)? I'm more reserved than people take me for... Maybe I'm too grown for the chase... Or that's not where I'll find "Him"... Don't know where else to look... Maybe I've found him and just don't know it yet?

"Too many Black women can say they mothers, but can't say that they wives" Common

Queen Sheba... she is sick wid it... I've loved this piece since I heard it... It is featured On JonBibbs' "Red: The Color Of Love" on the title track "Red"

So many search
but very few find
that peace of mind, is hard to define
you gotta cry a little, you gotta die a little
with the bitter comes the sweet
love is pain, love is joy
and love is also defeat
but love bleeds you free
these material possessions don't mean much to me
with time I found that love is not a hussler
people hussle love
I don't want to fall in love
I wanna stand tall
Not to be in love with love
But in love designed by the Most High above
I need love to bring clarity to my life
Lord, prepare me to be in love forever
as someone's wife....

Love Eludes Me....

I thought I had this love thing figured out. Thought I'd given my all and all to it and to them... Been having the weirdest dreams and revelations lately... It's almost scary...

All the men I've ever loved have come to speak to me in my dreams... We talk, we cry, we apologize for not knowing better, all is forgiven and we part ways, and I wake up... I dont know what to think of them. I thought it was a prompt for me to aplogize to them, all of them for not knowing how to love them better and to be better for them.... But I thought I had done that to a point. I've only broken up with one person without explanation. That was because he was in a compromising position with another female and instead of him explaining himself, he laughed, and I walked away. Never spoke to him about it what really happened, I just knew I wouldn't like the answer...

I've apologized for my wrongs, I've prayed for strength in love, I've sought understanding, innerstanding and overstanding in love... but I'm still here searching for love again... Well I'm not actively searching, I'm kinda on auto-pilot, if it happens it happens at this point... if it doesn't it wasn't meant to be...

Decided no more cookie sharing allowed either, I need more then that now... I'm looking for love in it's fullness... mind, body, and spirit....




Mister,

How do a free-spirit and a strategist stay together? They dont. I stood on the top of the hill waiting to find a way to rally my heart,mind and body for our WWIII, but when I needed my General, you were caught in the middle of a hostle take over called DNA. I knew I couldn't win against a formittable foe, DNA made it clear "I will not lose"... I wanted you to pledge alligence to me, but I couldn't force you to. So I tried to strategize on the best way to win a place back in your life, but found I had another battle raging inside me, and one more war to fight... The Whatever File... then another opposer appeared the day I had rallied the troops inside myself, and I had to concede defeat... There is no way the battle could have been won, no way I could fight them all, all by myself... So I'll shrink back to my hill, wtching life pass me by, wondering if I brought this on myself, or were the odds against me from the beginning. How did so many battles arise? Where did you, my General go? Were you watching to see if i could with stand the battle, and hope I came out on the other side? Sometimes I feel you did, like you were testing my strength. But I'm not strong enough to fight the wars alone, I needed you to stand toe to toe with them to help me. Oblivious,you were not,to the dissention of the allies. What was the strategy used when you swept them under the Whatever File?

Do I speak English, or do people only hear me in another language?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?

I've often wondered how you can tell a thousand people the EXACT same story but get a thousand interpretations of that story? What is it that causes the words to distort in their heads? Are they even really listening to what is being said? How does linear thought become a splintered plexus when placed in the mind of someone else? I am dumb-founded by this phenomina.... sure am...


NeXt----->

I'm having a love affair with the mirror these days... me and the mirror and good friends... it's almost nuts the amout of times I look in the mirror... but to others it would be normal... for me once a day was enough, now I get in there a few times a day, for no reason... I loving some me right now!


NExt---->

I've lost 6lbs since last week... WOW... discipline baby... try it works I swear it does... I'm proud of me!


Life is a journey, I got my traveling shoes on... ready for the trek of my lifetime....

Breathe Easy

I decided to be selfish. to do something I'd never done. Found my opening and spilled the beans. Finally had the gonads to have a convo I've avoided having... had it, and I felt a thousand times lighter for doing so... It wasn't about him, it was really about me freeing myself from the those hidden feelings, the ones I dealt with stoically. Got tired of carrying those feelings around, it was weighing me down mentally. So I got rid of them.... The air is clear and I'm free...

Creating Me

I watched more delusional people last night... FYI... putting your hand on your ear as if you will find the pitch better that way, is adding insult to injury...

NeXt----->

Creativity abounds in me... known that from the start of my life. I create with out effort, it just comes to me. I never have to really think about a poem or a manuscript, the ideas and words just kinda show up in my head and I just have to make sure I have a pen and paper availiable to write it down, or I'll lose it.

I used to be afraid of showing my work to people, used to pretend I didn't do it at all. I would hide my notebooks when I had guests, use passwords on my laptop/cpu so they couldn't accidently open files, used to mark "DO NOT TOUCH" on boxs that held my work in the attic. All becuse I was afraid of what people would think if they knew.

In the beginning of high school, few people knew about the writing skills, until my 9th grade English teacher, read my first paper of the year. All of a sudden there was a meeting with my parents and the English staff at the school. I moved up in English levels the next week. When I got there, they wanted to move me up after a month, but I begged them not to. I pleaded with the staff because I was already seen as a nerd of sorts, because all of my classes had maybe 3 black kids in them. When the ratio was that low it meant that you were at a higher level than everyone else. I hated it! But it afforded me the opportunity to learn new skills as far as word usage and themes. And the I made sme friends for life. Black kids called me a sell-out, and white kids liked having at least one black friend...

This year my new creative venture is painting. I've dabbled off and on for years. My mother has a painting I did in high school, using pastels, up in her bedroom. I laugh when I see it, because I remember not wanting to do the assignment in the first place. I waited until the last day to do it. And that's what came out. Once it was out and on canvas, my teacher decided she hadn't been pushing me hard enough to create. So she hounded me from that day on to do more, paint more, draw more. And I did. Never signed my real name to it when it was on display at school. Had people wondering who the new girl that painted that was. My little secret and my little joke. But this year I feel it. I feel the need to express in colors. I see words in pictures as is, why not paint what I see when I hear them.

My second venture is music. I'm in love with music, as far as creating music, just dabbled in it. I played violin for 7/8 years. Played piano for a few months. Tried trumpet for a few months. Me and the piano have a special relationship. If I hear a song long enough, I can play the basic melody on the piano. Don't know how or why, but I like it. I have an electric guitar too. I can play the drums, my dad had an old set in the garage so I taught my self some stuff. So I'm a one-woman band huh....lol... but I have music in my head that needs to come out...

Gonna do some performing as well, SpokemWord stuff. Been hiding that since I've been back here in NY. Gotta share that....

My creativity is on the rise...

My favorite reality show is back.... American Idol... well I only like the beginning phases though. People really have delusional thoughts about their abilities, and the people who tell them they are good are even more delusional. I literally cry laughing every year....

NeXt---->

Journeyman,

I cried this weekend
realized the greatest lie I ever told myself was
I was ready to be in love
I am more scared of being in love than I am of dying
Love is a beautiful thing
I've loved my share of beautiful men
Been loved by a few
Been in love with the same man since I was six
He just doesn't know it
Is it selfish to keep that love hidden from him
Personally I'm on the fence
I'm scared he'll love me the same way
scared he'll want to be with me forever
and I'm afraid to tell him for that reason
I loved you, I love you still, just not the same way
I thought I could fall in love with you
and be ok with your fragility
but I wasn't, do know that I can, don't know if I'm willing
my fragility may not allow for it
I tried to wrap my head around the idea
but couldn't
square peg round slot syndrome
me being with one person for life
is a lesson in selflessness I want to learn
but learning the lesson, may cause my death
maybe the other love's mother was right
I am a free spirit
being tied by a metal ring on my 4th finger
may weigh me down, prevent my flight
I am scared to love one, only one
but I am scared to be by myself too...

Back burner issues have to be dealt with...

That temperment thing is kinda harsh... wow!

Anywho...

This weekend I detoxed, not literally, but figuratively. My silent hell, the only voices in my apt are my own and the ones coming from my ipod and the tv... no cell-phone right now....

I sat down and cried a lil, died a lil, got mad a lil, slept a lot, cooked a lil, walked a lil, sat in silence and listened A LOT, took some time to pay attention to the emotions I kept putting off to deal with later.

Well, long weekend= later.

So I dealt with them. All of them.

Decided not to wait on love as much, I have to do for me. I became lethargic after my last break up. I didn't want to do much. All the decisions to end it, weren't mine. Someone else made them for me. I hate not having a choice, but I didn't fight it either. I couldn't fight for it, for him; because he wouldn't and couldn't fight for me. I tried to move on with someone else. A past love of sorts, he left as well. His ego was bruised by me, and he still hasn't forgiven me. I had to be honest about some things and him leaving was the penalty of my honesty. Now again I'm alone, sorta by choice, more so by circumstance. I want love, period. The package it comes in should be asthetically pleasing, at least a lil bit...

I realized as well sometimes people hear what they want to hear sometimes. If you explain something to someone in a clear and concise manner, what they hear may not be what you said. I realized that in a recent argument I had with sommone. I clearly explained the way I feel about a certain situation to them months ago, but what I said had to be reitterated recently. But when I initially said it to them they took their own interprtation as truth, rather than really listening to what I said. The second tome around it made sense because they decided to really pay attention to the words coming out of my mouth. Had they listened the first time it would have avoided the downward spiral that occured from the insecurities they felt. I can't blame myself for that.

I solidified the "There's Just ME" attitude. Had to. No one else cares about Ms. Jones' emotions like I do. So I gotta do for me, myself, and I!!!

I have to be disciplined. I half ass so much in my life. I have to stay diligent and disciplined. I have to not rely totally on will power, I have to put in the effort in. I've been working on like five screenplays, well actually three physically, two are still formulating in my head. My laptop is being looked at by a technician. Still waiting to hear the verdict. So I've been writing them by hand. This is hard work. But I've been putting work in everyday, for at leat three hours a day. So when the dream comes true, I can say I worked for it, it wasn't handed to me.

I have to be disciplined in my work-out routine as well. Been half assing the gym for the past month. I can count on one hand how many times I've been since November. Had an excuse of being sick, no more excuses. So I wrote up a plan. To get my body back to the shape I like. Back to the physique of the athlete I used to be. I gotta do that for myself, no one else will help me. I got motivate myself daily to go. I created an eating chart, I have to remember portion control. I don't eat alot as is, but sometimes when I'm hungry I'll have one big meal for the entire day. Now I know better, smaller meals more freaquently helps. And my flaw of all flaws... eating breakfast. I usually don't. But I have vowed to remember to do it every morning from now on.


I shed my hurt feelings. Recent and past hurts. I put the hurt in God's hands and asked for help in healing. I need a healing, big time! I realized what hurts I still held on to, asked myself why and was honest in my answers, and I released them as the answers came out.

I'm healing...

"I release all these disappointment
From my mental, physical, spiritual and emotional body
Cause I know that spirit guides me
And love lives inside me
That's why I today I take life as it comes" India. Arie

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

WHOA....... for real.......hmmmmm.....

Cocky Me...

Damn, I love me today! Spent last night looking in the mirror....lol

This morning confirmation... I AM SO CUTE!!! I LOVE LOOKING LIKE ME!

The one and only me... no duplications, no almost like me's anywhere...

common courtesy... a lost manner...

would have been nice to know she was coming to lunch, would have been nice to not walk into an uncomfortable situation blindly, but it was what it was, he is who he is....

Klepto...

Last night while going through some clothes I realized I'm a friggin klepto....

Not the way you think...

I realized I have an item of clothing from every man I've ever dated/loved in my closet/drawers. That's crazy! And I mean from way back, like high school years, like '97!!!!

Now when there is a current boyfriend, they never really know where that stuff came from, most assume they belonged to my brothers. But it's all from ex's.

Why am I still holding on to this stuff? Oh Lawd!!! I mean I let them go, but I still have their stuff. I think it's a subconscious effort to hold on to one shred of that person. Something to remember them by. I'm nuts for holding on to this stuff. I guess its my shrine, "to all the boys/men I've ever loved before"...

There is only one person that I love who's stuff has never made it in my closet. The love of my life. You think if I threw all the other stuff out, it would make room for him?

Movie Love

Isolde: How many have you loved before me?

Tristan: None.

Isolde: And after me?

Tristan: None.

Are you kidding me!?!? I want a love like that... I saw the trailer for this movie, and I'd be damned if I didn't pay $10.50 to see it just to hear that line again...

Thinking a lil bit....

When I was about, say 12 years old, my mother gave my brothers and I a project to do. We had been asking questions about the lottery and how the whole thing worked. Grandfather was an avid player, so were many of our other family members. During that time it seemed every and anybody played lotto and won a lil something. A few dollars to millions. And there were so many cases of people winning the money and within a year, half of it was gone, spent frivolously. So my mother decided to have us write down how we would spend the money if we won. Her amount was 10 million dollars. We had a week to report to her on how we would spend the money. She told us to keep in mind tithes and offerings to church.

Both of my brothers picked stuff like big house witha pool, fancy cars, donate a million, and I think one of them wanted to buy the Chicago Bulls. I chose the house, one car, and invest some, put some away for the kids college funds, and just buy clothes and shoes, and travel.

My mother quckly shut us down. Said that the government takes 33% off top, then the state took their money (we were in Va at the time so that would have been 4.25%), and if you lived in the city take another 2%. After we saw all the money the government took, we realized there really wasnt much left, at least not to buy all the "things" we wanted. So we had to re-evaluate our lists, seriously.

I prayed when I was younger for God to let me win the lottery to prove that I would do something positive when I got it. I'd say "all I need is like 5 million (after taxes)" And I could make a difference... Haven't received it, then again I bought my first lotto ticket at 20 years old, maybe I missed it? Or maybe my struggle now is to prove I can do so much with so little? Or to prepare me to be money conscious because it's coming? Who knows, can't keep speculating too much. Makes for a nice fantasy between asleep and awake. But I can't live my life hoping it will come, I can live my life like I'm already rich, just lacking the "things" that come along with it.

I spent the weekend creating a budget for myself. I didn't know it would take all weekend... I alloted myself things for fun, poetry spots etc. And a lil bit for selfish reasons... But I think, I mean I know it will all work out... Diligence is key, here.... whether the 5 million comes or not...

I am rich, in spirit, in mind, in body. I've probably wriiten 5 million words, in poetry form or otherwise (like here on the blog), and each word has reached someone, even if that someone was me....


nExT----->

Journeyman,

Had a dream about you again
This time we were dancing
just not with each other
dancing past loves and maybe loves around each other
trying to get a reaction from one another
salsa, merengue, ba'chata
log-on, signal the plane, pon de river
Damn it, I'm tired of dancing
"Time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind
there's no comfort in the truth
pain is all you'll find
Should've known better
I feel so unsure
as I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor
as the music dies, something in your eyes
calls to mind the silver screen
and all its sad good-byes
I'm never gonna dance again
guilty feet have got no rhythm
though it's easy to pretendI know you're not a fool
Should've known better than to cheat a friend
and waste the chance that I've been given
so I'm never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you"1
That damn song's been playing in my head ever since...
Make it stop, scratch the record, pull the needle off
Gotta get you completely out of my system
or at least the love part
Need you out of my system and
to love from afar, again
cause when we love too close
you run away
and I cry thinking its my fault
but its not, I know that now
Love calls unto itself, I heard
What was it calling in you
Cause love didn't answer?
Still waiting here, hoping to hear it
causes me grief
letting go of you, of grief
No more pain felt because I'm nursing a broken heart...
thought about calling
but got rid of all my phones instead
maybe I'll ring you... when my heart heals
or some phone company is offering a rebate
the least they could do, if you never answer....


"Take a day to heal from the lies you've told yourself and the ones that have been told to you."
-Maya Angelou


Never forget your inherent capabilities, we were divine before recognition, strength before formed flesh and love before our eyes could respond to our sun. So keep faith, stay blessed and within the centre of our warm sunshine that is life...

1 George Michael "Careless Whisper"
yeah the joint from the 80's act like you don't know thw lyrics LMAO....

"It's funny what you can say in front of a group of people, that you can't seem to say in front of one person"

That was a line from the movie Love Jones... So true!

Last night/this morning at an ungodly hour, I watched the Oprah show.... There was a woman on there that was hiding a secret from her husband. They seemed to be living the life most people strive for, house, nice cars, minimal debt from student loans etc. The husband thought that they had a combined debt of about $40,000. But the woman confessed to her husband that she alone had $160,000 in debt. She claimed it was mainly from her student loans and other loans she took out to maintain while in school, credit card/charge card debt, and interest rates that were outrageous... When I heard the number she said I sat up in the bed and said "Damn!" That to me is CRAZY! How in the hell did you let it get that high and that far? I'd probably die from worry if I had that kind of debt. I wouldn't know up from down! I was even more confused as to why she thought coming on national TV would lower her husbands reaction to the news? He was visibly shaken and upset.

People come on these TV shows confessing everything in their closets thinking that the person they are telling wont get as mad, or wont be as hurt. I think its stupid to put all ur business out there like that. Handle that at home. If he wants to leave you, he'll leave whether he was on Oprah or not. Working it out after is harder because now the whole world is up in your business. If you thought you had nosy neighbors before that, try over a hundred countries worth of people in your pockets now.....


next...

I've been listening to a few of my friends and loved ones make this comment "What about me? What about my feelings?" What about you and your feelings!?!

If I could smack every person that has said that to me, I would, including smacking myself. Yeah I've done it, refuse to do it anymore. I feel like I would be begging for someone's affection and love. Your feelings are valid. I would in no way try to erase the validity of them. But sometimes when you feel yourself about to utter those words, step back and see why the hell you are begging? They aren't begging you for your love/affection? Why should you? They could be God's greatest achievement as far as love making goes, but that doesn't guarantee they will love you right... Because you connect sexually doesn't mean you connect in a relationship. Stop crying about it too! Tears don't make it better. I swear if you cry it wont make him/her come back and do and be better for you. I know it sounds like I'm being insensitive, but I'm really not. WTF are you crying for, because you're hurt? Use the energy your hurt brings to move yourself further in your life, use it as a catalyst to look for better in yourself and others. Before I would have been the one to cry about it, but I've learned that tears are good the first time you feel the hurt. Let it out, feel the burn, and be done with it. Any tears after the initial sting are tears of whining, tears of defeat, tears of someone who uses tears to prove they are still hurt, and a waste of time and energy. After you scraped your knee as a child you didn't cry everytime you looked or thought about your knee, did you? I didn't think so.... Same applies here....

I have a friend that was in a relationship with a guy, she broke up with him because she felt like he wasn't getting his shit together fast enough. It's now two/almost three years later, and she wants him back bad! But he's not willing to go there all the way again. Doesn't feel like she a "ride or die chick", he feels like she's a fairweather chick. He said he can't stay where he's only wanted when he has, money a car, an apt, and more energy than a lil bit. He needs to be wanted when he's broke, living with his momma, hitching rides, and exhausted as hell too. I agree, with him whole-heartedly!

You don't need someone in your life who is only happy when they are the focus. When they aren't number one, when they aren't the only one you're spending time with, the only one you're doing stuff for, yeah that's when you become the bad guy; the person that has issues in a relationship, the only one who needs to do more and be more... crock of shit in my book...

I've been there and done that (over it). Now I'm watching other people go through it, and I just want to find them psychologist! Figure out why their dependancy issues are controlling how and who they love. It's sad, to say the least! But you can't show people their shit and expect them to be ok with it initially. Maybe they'll learn on their own or someone else will point it out, or more than enough people point it out for them to see its an issue... Maybe not...Maybe we arent all wrong... Maybe you need to take a good look at what you're doing to contribute to the behavior.... People only treat you, the way you allow them to... If you've proven not to be worthy of the love they have, maybe that's why you are where you are, hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't love you remotely as much...Just my thoughts...

Amen... I overstand....

"Life is a theater Invite your audience carefully"

Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize, your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships! Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know or appreciate you?The more you seek love of God, quality, respect, growth, peace of mind and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life. You cannot change the people around you....but you can change the people you are around!

You got a dollar I could borrow?

Silence is deafning!!! My goodness, sat in my apt. in silence all night, ok maybe the occasional laugh, but nothing more than that. The situaton will be rectified soon. Maybe...

In my silent hell my mind kept wondering why my dream od love, keeps turning into a nightmare. I am love's best student, I acknowledge and accept all of love's tenents, and yet I fail every test. My singlehood is not only voluntary but a result of being a victim of circumstance. I have yet to find someone that stirs me. I met two guys in the last couple months and, both are really nice guys, but I don't see a romantic future with either of them. There was no physical attraction to either, but they will be great friends though. Nothing more though.

I also wondered why my money aint neve quite right! I pay bills on time, I tried to save. But bills keep popping up at the wrong time. Like my broke weeks. I see people on the train my age and wonder how the hell they afford their lifestyles? I make ok money, and there are times I can barely afford a lotto ticket! But I see them wearing the latest and having the best and they work part time jobs or live with their mom dukes. I think its unfair really. Why am I always struggling to make ends meet, when people who aren't as nice or hard working as me have it all? It's really unfair I tell you!

I just got a raise which I wont see much of, TAXES are a bitch! A lil more change in my pocket is all. My retroactive money kicks in, in like a 60 days. And that's already spent. Paying off bills! Cutting up two of the credit cards after they are paid, paying down the others, paying off my phone bill, and the money is gone...

The plan was to use the money to move or finally buy my new laptop... so sorry no longer an option for me... I'd rather pay all this stuff off and not feel like I always owe somebody something. I hate borrowing money from people too, so I don't ask anymore. Even if I'm in dire need of it, I wont ask anymore. Even if its crackers and cheese for dinner, it will have to be crackers and cheese then.

I'm a struggling artist praying for a lotto win to let me pay my rent for two years, buy a laptop, and a car, and spend my time in school and writing... is that too much to ask? I don't think so, but everyone else does....

Hocus Pocus stuff... but there may be some truth to it though...

You would think that I would excited at the fact that my counter-part here at work quit... but sadly I'm not really excited, more like waiting for all hell to break loose... Her leaving makes me responsible for more, I mean I can take it on, it's just that out management system is in the middle of an upheaval and I'll be caught in the middle somewhere. I hate chaos! But I thank God for the opportunity to prove myself and to earn a lil more change....

Aquarius, yeah that's me... Last Day Aquarius to be exact. According to everything I've read and observed dealing with my zodiac sign, I was born under the water sign in the year of the rooster.

Aquarius:

Aquarius Positive Traits
Friendly and humanitarian Honest and loyal Original and inventive Independent and intellectual
Aquarius Negative Traits
Intractable and contrary Perverse and unpredictable Unemotional and detached


Rooster: People born in the Year of the Rooster are deep thinkers, capable, and talented. They like to be busy and are devoted beyond their capabilities and are deeply disappointed if they fail. People born in the Rooster Year are often a bit eccentric, and often have rather difficult relationship with others. They always think they are right and usually are! They frequently are loners and though they give the outward impression of being adventurous, they are timid. Rooster people's emotions like their fortunes, swing very high to very low. They can be selfish and too outspoken, but are always interesting and can be extremely brave. They are most compatible with Ox, Snake, and Dragon.

That fact hit me this weekend, while I was watching "Memeoirs of a Geisha". The main character had the same zodiac signs. And as a child people said "I see water in you", referring to her blue eyes and her spirit. Water has great power, it can staart as a stream and become a mighty river or an ocean. Water can cause great damage, and it can heal. Water has the power to break through stone and metal. A true vision of Ying and Yang...

I am meant to do and be all that the water inside me is. My spirit cannot be broken.

Journeyman,
Another year
What are you going to manifest now
What do the next 362 days have in store for you
Your day of birth around the corner
Are you happy to have reached almost 100 seasons here on earth
Or are the season changes too many to appreciate
Well I pray for you still, everyday
I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving to have had you, once
I prayed for a healing mentally, physically, spritually, and emotionally
The clock struck 12 and you were on my mind
Funny how when you lose something
Its still there,
hiding in your thoughts
held up in your heart
on the tip of your tongue...
still no courage on my part to dial your #
Maybe I will one day, just not today
No incentive to do it anytime soon
No reciprocation on the other end is enough not to call
So Happy New Year Babes, to you and yours....

New Year, New Air, New Goals, New Life, New Love (maybe)

I brought in the New Year laying in my bed, watched the ball drop, said a prayer, turned off the TV, and went to sleep!

2006...

Well guess New's Years resolutions are on the horizon... I have a few...

1. Letting go... this means really letting go, no more holding onto the little things so I don't feel a complete loss. This meant changing people's names in my phonebook on my cell. I can no longer refer to you by nicknames or pet names, you no longer belong to me, so the name doesn't either. I wont call you, if you dont call me, letting go of having to be the only holding onto a relationship, friendship or otherwise. Letting go of the pains and disappointments of the past year...

2. I am going to be more outgoing. Become the social butterfly I was meant to be! LMAO... I know this will be a challenge. I am sooooooooooooooooooo shy and reserved in a big social setting. I like intimate convo's and one-on-one sessions. So I'm breaking out of that and allowing myself to be open and receptive to going out more. $ has always been in issue with that, but I found out today I'm getting a big raise, so that wont be an issue any longer... So I'll have the means to go out more. Go to lounges and poetry spots and hang out. By myself, can't really find to many people to go with me. So I'm going alone, and I'm cool with that for the first time...

3. To stay in touch with family more. Got some bad news over the weekend. My tantie (extended family, like an aunt but not by blood) got diagnosed with brain cancer In October, and is undergoing radiation treatment 5days a week. They removed 80% of the tumor, now they are shrinking the rest with steroids and radiation. Every medication they have her on has a side effect, and the meds for the side effects have side effects. She now has medication induced diabetes. Takes 4 insulin shots a day. She is half the woman she used to be, really thin. She was a pleasantly plump woman before, seeing like that made me want to cry, but I didn't let myself, not in front of her...

4. Go back to my gym routine. I was sick for a while had an excuse, I'm better now. No more excuses!!!!


That's all I have for now....