I've been doing some reading outside of my usual genres lately. There is a poet by the name of Sant Darshan Singh, who's poetry is magnificent. At least to me. There is a book called "Love's last Madness: Poems on a Spiritual Path" (2001) translated from Urdu language by Barry Lerner, and Harbans Singh Bedi. I've read it almost all the way through.


He makes some really interesting points about love, God and how the two are related. Spiritual love and romantic love are intertwined. Which I believe is true. You have to have both for the relatonship to survive any and all hardships....


Here are some quotes that I liked, agree with, or was just speechless by:

" As God is the source of love and the soul is born out of the Divine, the soul is, in essence love. But the soul has been cut off from its divine source, and is a wandering exile seeking the way back home, far beyond this world."

"Where I set out from is a mystery, my existence a journey from the womb of time,
Somewhere inconceivable my origin, my ultimate abode not of this world."

"If only I'd awaken, I'd perceive what this life means; My existence now, an obsessive confusion of dreams."

"When man himself is God's purpose, why ask wherein God's purpose lies? God is hid in the human heart, yet man searches: Where is God?"

Why do I attract the crazies?

Once again an attractive young man caught my eye after a long convo we parted ways. The next day he called me like 50 times. I wasn't answering the phone period all day so he was out of luck. After the 3rd call he left a crazy ass message saying some stupid stuff like "you need to check yourself, you think the world revolves around you, you need to be more sub-serviant to a man, treat him like a king, and you didn't with me so I'm giving you a second chance to get it right" I laughed.

He called back to back and left more crazy messages, it was almost to the point of me calling the police to stop him from calling. He continued to call, I continued to not answer, so finally I did so I could tell him to stop calling, he started talking, I put the phone down and had a completely other convo on my other phone while he talked. He talked for 40 min nonstop. He started saying things like women like me are the reason why the black race is the way it is. I'm too independent and no man wants woman who can do everything for herself, he needs to be needed and appreciated as the bread winner. Women like me are the reason for single parent households; we think we dont need man to be whole. That's why there is so much teen pregnancy, no father figures.

Said he thought school was a waste if you arent married by the time you finish. A womans life is a series of events that all lead to her serving her husband sexually and to procreate with him, other than that everything else was meaningless.

He also said that if women would wear more skirts and dresses there would be less fighting among females. ( I think that's a crock of ish... I've seen chicks fight in Prada dresses and Gucci shoes so I laughed) I hung up, he called back. He left a message saying I was rude, I was obviously a hore looking for a man so I could sex him and keep it moving. He also called a hex on me (yes I said hex), he said he hopes something bad happens to me so that I will realize he was the one for me. He went into begging for me to pick up, to saying that us arguing was a good sign that we were meant to be. He begged some more, and he said "I saw a future with us and you destroyed it." Sure glad I did...

After the last call I just prayed that this guy got a grip, and that he would stop calling me. He stopped calling finally but I kep the number just in case he calls again that way I can call the police...

Maybe when I ask God to put a good man in my life I should be more patient. I was trying to step out, be open... And I get a crazy.... Patience is a virtue... after this crazy, I am bending toward celibacy and being a spinster forever...LMAO

Public Service Announcement: Ladies of NYC be on the look out for :

Young Black Male, chestnut complexion
23 yrs. old
6'1
Jamaican heritage
chisled jaw line
wears really big dark shades, (thinks he's Elephant Man)
says he's an up and coming reggae artist (thinks he's Elephant Man)
Goes by the names: Trevor, TJ, Level 7 ....etc.

If you see this young man please run, or ignore his lame game, he's crazy ladies be safe and warn the next young lady he's on the prowl...

O

Well I ran into the Apple store today... Abercrombie must have given all their male models the day off because they were all there... as fine as they want to be...

I was coming down the steps and one of the finer one's caught my eye, I smiled and continued my cute stride, he smiled back and said " You're cute"... I just kept it moving... bubbling all the way back to work... made my day....

Watching

I'm a people watcher... Over the last couple months I've seen a lot of disturbing things as well as other things. I have noticed the amount of people in my age bracket that have a really heavy ring finger. A lot of people my age are married or engaged. Crazy, maybe. Or am I lagging behind? I watch them and I am happy for them, hoping that they found who they were meant to be with. Me on the other hand I am single and not really looking, at least not consciously. I see men, I enjoy looking at them, but I have no drive or desire to pursue any of them. I've been asked for my number several times in the past few weeks, sometimes I feel like too many times ( must be feremones). But I havent given it out. I don't wan to right now. I'm looking for something solid, not casual. I don't date, i like exclusivity. But I have neither. I'm cool with what is though. I am no longer rushing love or the prospect of it. I want whom ever decides he wants to be with me to be with me cause he 's ready for me and what that entails.

I spoke to a dear friend of mine yesterday. He is doing well, had rough couple years behind him but he's cool no less. He's in a good place right no I can feel it.

Eye Candy...

I like to look at men that look like this... just look at, nothing more... nothing to warm you like a beautiful man... Never would I date a man that looked like this... I don't like I could... for me a tall skinny man will do... for a long time I was one of the last females that still liked yellow(light skinned black person, for my non-negro people who didn't get the reference) boys after the 80's...lol.. I have dated all shades, a few sizes... but yellow and skinny was my preference... but notice I am alone... no skinny yellow men love me... so sad...


There is this guy that I see everyday on the train... he's not really my type, but I like looking him, and he seems to like looking at me... I make up stories about him in my head, since the only convo we've ever had is about the time or had he missed his train...we've been exchanging stares and glares for the past year... about a month ago I finally noticed something.... a wedding band... I laughed when I saw it, cause it had never been there before, or he kept that hand in his pocket... either way I curbed my stares... last week he and his wife and their two kids showed up on the platforn, he made it a point to drag her and the kids directly in front of me, and stop to have convo with her... still sneaking stares... I laughed... the next morning he was back to staring at me, but I avoided making any kind of eye contact with him... I don't break up homes, even if he wants out... not my place nor my style...

note to self: need new eye candy....lmao...

Jaded... sure am....

I was listening to my friend Jon Bibbs' Cd "Red: The Color of Love" he has a song Called "Jaded", this is my theme song...


Jaded, by Jon Bibbs

Spent my first three lifetimes looking for love
Now I'm at my last stand, still I'm alone
Seems like love and me aint supposed to be
My faith and my patience run low
Me and love cant seem to get ourselves together
I feel like this loneliness is gonna last forever
Searching more everyday for love's possibilities in my life

I'm jaded, looking for love has got the best of me
I'm jaded, and all I see is this reality
I'm loosing sight of all it can be
I hate to admit it, but I'm jaded

I was giving away pieces of my heart
Like I had piece to spare
No matter which way I turn
It's always the same answer there
Maybe love and me, maybe we aint cut out to be

I was the model advocate for love
No one else loves stronger than me
Now I question where stood
Was it just naiivity
Seems like aint all it ought to be, at least not for me

I'm jaded, looking for love has go the best of me
I'm jaded, having trouble seeing past this reality
I'm loosing sight of all love can be
It's a sad reality, but I'm jaded...

I can sit anywhere because of her...

She was born Rosa Louise McCauley on Feb. 4, 1913, in Tuskegee, Ala. Family illness interrupted her high school education, but after she married Raymond Parks in 1932, he encouraged her and she earned a diploma in 1934. He also inspired her to become involved in the NAACP.

At the time I was arrested I had no idea it would turn into this,” Mrs. Parks said 30 years later. “It was just a day like any other day. The only thing that made it significant was that the masses of the people joined in.”

The Montgomery bus boycott, which came one year after the Supreme Court’s landmark declaration that separate schools for blacks and whites were “inherently unequal,” marked the start of the modern civil rights movement.


“Everybody wanted to explain Rosa Parks and wanted to teach Rosa Parks, but Rosa Parks wasn’t very interested in that,”... “She wanted to them to understand the government and to understand their rights and the Constitution that people are still trying to perfect today.”

Why by Natasha Jones


If freedom has no limitations
And simplicity has no hardships
Why then does love make you cry
And sometimes binds you unwillingly to someone
If strength is seen with honor
Why cant weakness be seen as noble failure
If you wish to touch the stars
And accidentally tongue down a cloud
Why was that as far as you were meant to go
If beauty is seen by the eye of the beholder
Why are the blind the only ones that see beauty purely
If my mood changes as the wind shifts
Why am I then seen as unstable
If I was passionate, tender, erotic
Why haven’t we made love, why just sex
My life so full of questions unanswered
question everything, everything’s questioned
If I had you, had us, had we
Why then was it so easy to walk away
If you planted your seeds in my fertile soil
Why did I unearth them
If being alone is so unusual
Why then am I so comfortable in it
If seasons change and things rearrange
Why cant my heart have a second opinion
If all my questions were answered
Why then do all my thoughts end in question marks
If all was known and I had it all
Why then do I, would I, continually search for the answers…

Sometimes...by Bilal

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't me
Sometimes, I wish I was drug free
Sometimes, wish I saw the exit sign first
Sometimes, wish I knew the truth without searching
Sometimes, I wish I could go where I never been
See what I never saw, do what I never did
Or walk before I could crawl

Sometimes, I wish my eyes wasn't so red
Sometimes, I wish I had breakfast in bed
Sometimes, I mean it's worth it
Since I did all the work last night
Sometimes, you ain't good to me, yes
I am good to you
And you don't see my attention the way that I do

Sometimes, hey slim, you should be nicer than you are
Sometimes, you take that complaining shit way too far
I mean, I thought it was cute in the beginning
but nowI think you only do it cuz you know I hate it
Sometimes, you got me wishing I didn't have home training
Sometimes, then it wouldn't hurt me so bad
With dreams of knocking you in your head
Then it wouldn't hurt me so bad
When picture my foot put up your ass

Sometimes, wish I knew life with no pain, yeah
Wish I held the keys to this game
Sometimes, I pretend cuz I'm afraid to be, afriad to be
Sometimes, I hope I live to see twenty five
Sometimes, I wish I could be like Moses
Round up my people, move out the ghetto
And live a better lifeSometimes, I wish I didn't try so hard
Sometimes, who knows truth any way
They don't know nothing, who needs that approval

The sun in your hands player
Move at your own pace, listen to your own mind
Do your own thing, yeah yeah
I'm saying it because I love ya
And I wanna grow with you, yeah yeah
But you wanna run in the other direction
So I got to stay on my path until I winI win,
I win, I winI wanna win,
I wanna win, I wanna win, I wanna win

Oh sometimes, sing it with me
I wish (I wish in love)
And I wish, oh I wish (I wish in peace)
Oh sometimes (I wish in hope)
I wish hope (I wish true)
I wish true(I wish clearly)
Hey I wish so clearly sometimes(Wish with no fear)
I wish with no fear(I have no fear)
I have no fear(Have no doubt)
I have no doubt(I don't doubt) I
don't doubt(Have no doubt)
No, I don't doubt(Have no doubt, I wish love)
I wish love, hey hey

Sometimes, Sometimes Sometimes...

Name Calling...

Temptress- that's the new name I have heaped upon me...

I have the "power" (supposedly) to turn any man on, with a touch, a glance, a word, etc. I know I have that "power", but I never use it to gain the advantage of making a man pine after me. I like to flirt with people I'm comfortable around and vice-versa. There are guys I flirt with, but that's all it is, nothing more no feelings attached. We just know how to talk dirty to one another, and we both know its a joke. But I find people interpreting this in a real crazy way. Like that I do it to get a reaction out of others not just the "flirt-ee". Not in my opinion. Its a game to me, all in fun... Its a game because in an intimate setting i cant do it. Its funny that I'm more comfortable talking that way with someone I'm not involved with. Less pressure I guess. No expectations. I'm am very aware however that when I'm in a relationship that I must curb this. And I do. I am never disrespectful to my mate or the flirt-ees either. So I really don't see the problem. I feel that its harmless fun. But not many men are comfortable with this... my opinion... trust issues... Either you trust me or you dont. But whatever... If that's what people call me... what can I say to it...

Break-up's to Make-up's... sorta kinda in a way maybe

When you have a amicable break up is it ever ok to flirt with that person? Is it ever ok to go back and chill with someone? Is it ever ok to just be friends? I'm finding it harder and harder these days. Hard to deal with the attitude ajustments, the lack of communication, the shut-down mode, the separation of bills, the lack of consideration of each persons situation.

I dont know how else to be but friendly... But am I fooling myself/have I been fooling myself? I think so... that shit hurts... to know that when the relationship ends, the friendship may not be far behind. Oh you might have a person that you were once with, but you admire from afar now. No up close and personal. No confiding, no anything any more. I feel like crying right now, actually I'm trying really hard not to. But the lump in my throat has appeared. Damn it. Emotional connections never really disappear for me, I cant just walk away and feel nothing. Why cant I be more like the other chicks out there? They just walk away and keep it moving. Me, I want to stay friends, be cool. And stay getting hurt that way.

I was talking to a friend and he was telling me that he wishes to be emotionally connected to someone. He wants to have one special person in his life. He's tired of screwing this one, and gaming this one. He was sincerely hurt by a female he had vested feelings for, but she left him for her ex and he was distrought. I wanted to give him a dose of reality, and say karma is a bitch. But I couldn't, I let him vent, I let him bash women (only for a min), he was truly hurt. See had a a really nice, respectable girl, someone who loved him; and he left her higha nd dry and said life goes on. now he's feeling the same kinda pain.

See Karma and I have our signals crossed somehow. I've done right by every man I have ever been with. A few tifts here and there, and some communication issues as men an women have, but Karma isn't trying to hear me right now. I do good, bad happens to me. I do right, somebodys does me wrong. I'm honest, repaid with dishonesty. Karma and I aren't friends, and I'm starting to believe we never will be.

I've come to the realization, I may never find someone. I have an ideal, I have standards that I'm not backing down from. that isnt wrong. i know what i need and want. Problem is no one willing to be or do those things consistantly...

I also realized that I have never been loved the right way. Thought I knew what it looked like, what it did, how it acted, how it felt. But I was all wrong from jump. I learned that I love deep, sometimes too much so that i get hurt. I learned that I may never get the love I yearn. And that hurts the worst.

The Ideal Man for

The List--

1. I want someone who will be honest with themselves first, and in turn be honest with me.

2. I want a spiritual partner, someone who will grow in Spirit with me.

3. I want someone who can be open, mentally, physically,emotionally and spritually.

4. I want to love and be loved honestly.

5. I want someone I can depend on for encouragement.

6. Someone who will fight it out with me until the issue is resolved.

7. I need someone who will fight for me and with me, help defend me.

8. I need a man that has his goals in check. Knows what they are, how to achieve them, and is pursuit of them.

9. I want a need a man that can do what is necessary for himself and his family.

10. I want a man who has a great relationship with his mother.

11. I want a man willing to make mistakes, fall on his face, but he keeps plugging along until he gets the results he desires.

12. I need a man who can take constructive and objective critisism not as an attack, but a helpful tool to understand how he sees himself ans how others view him as well.

13. I want a man who will go outside of his usual comforts to accomodate me sometimes.

14. I want a man that is sensitive, caring, understanding, compassionate, sympathetic/empathetic, passionate, strong in mind, body and spirit.


This is the list for now. More will be added sooner or later. Just know all that I have said I need or want also applies to me as well.

Reciprocation is key!!!

Connections...

i find myself connecting to people on different levels... from small events or commanilities we share... such as music, books, a chance meeting at an open mic night, the pantry at work... I've met a lot of my friends this way. We have something in common and we become friends. Bounce ideas off of each other, hang out together... Funny thing is I was looking at this and realized that a lot of the people I called friends were just people I hung out with occasionally. A lot of them were not connected to me emotionally... Like you hear people say i love this person or I love that person... Me I found myself saying I care about so and so, no love there... the peolpe that I love know it, no questions. The people I care about just assume that the way they feel about me is reciprocated.

I decided, as I wrote before, to be emotionally honest from now on. I have a habit of holding it all inside. caring for everyone, letting them hurt my feelings, allowing them to walk all over me because of my kindness. I chose/choose to change all of that. I will be honest with people if I'm hurt. I will say what I feel when I feel it. That's the way its going to be.

I find myself drifting in my lonely times, thinking of what it should be like, could be like would be like, when I fall in love for real. the only word that comes to mind is BEAUTIFUL!!! Gotta believe I will have it.

I'm going to write down what I want for my life, and write down what I want in a mate. Get rid of all the fairytale-like wants and get down to the nitty gritty. be affirmative in my wants and needs. take the physical out of the equation. While I know what type of man I'm used to dating physically, and the type of man I like to look at, maybe my Divine Mate isn't either of these. And I also have to realize that because I am ready for a divine union, my divine mate may not be. He is preparing himself for me, and I must do the same for him.


Don't worry I will share the lists...

Scraping pennies...

I'm officially broke, ordered the Ipod today, not avaliable in the stores yet... Ipod does not play they debited my account immediately, no chance to back out dog... It's an investment, thats what I keep telling myself... when it comes next week sometime I'll let you know how I feel.

I'm feeling a need for adventure again, hope I dont get in trouble... Gotta get away, got some bad news today. And it sucks for all involved...

Um... so much to do, so little money... sucks....

Open convo's

The new Ipod came out yesterday... ok now I'm ready to make a purchase. It's worth it now... gotta cop that PSP, looked into getting an Ibook ($1600, but its worth it) and the Treo 650 or the 700w... I have become a gadget geek like my Media Junkie cousin...

I've been growing myself for the last couple weeks (if that makes sense). Been in self-feflection mode, maybe more like change mode... Getting rid of old hurts and pains... Being more honest with my feelings.

When I feel it say it is my new change. Called my Big Sis Lay and said i love you the other morning. I know she knows that I love her, but I couldn't remember if I had ever said it to her before. So I called and said it. She said "Awwwwwe Grasshopper, you must have known I needed that this morning" So it does make a difference when you say certain things...

I spoke to my best friend/cousin last night told her she started to suck at being a friend and that the only connection I felt that we had was a familial one. Told her I thought she was jaded and cut everybody off as to not feel anything anymore. The person she is now isnt my friend, and I dont know who she is anymore. Told her that she does hurt my feelings. She said its not purposefully (any of it) it just is, maybe she'll open back up, maybe not. and sometimes I just have to not take everything so personally, cause she's like this with everyone. and that she doesnt have a best friend, she shares different parts of herself with different people. that kinda stung a bit. but i know why she doesnt have a best friend. nothing toward me, just some "stuff".
But she said she will think on it. Like I said I just want my friend back.

back to Iyanla:

pg. 146

" Marianne Williamson, author of the book A Return to Love, wrote " Love is giving without remembering. Receiving without forgetting." This does not mean that you allow people to do what they want in your life or to you. It simply means that you live each day as an experience of sharing, with no hiddne agendas or expectations of a return on your investment. love requires an honest sharing of time, space, resources, and life for the sheer pleasure of it, while it is pleasurable. This level of conscious, unconditional love will reap many rewards in immeasurable ways.... Letting go, which is a form of housecleaning, does not mean you stop loving. It means that you make a conscious choice about how to love, which can include loving someone from a distance."

Theraputic Conversation...

A friend of mine has/had an issue, and in the midst of us speaking I had an epiphany, a real epiphany.

I realized that in all the relationships I have had, I found myself dating a wounded soul, because I too am wounded. Always found a man with his own issues with love and life, and I was so focused on healing his wounds i neglected my own wounds. I played down my hurts, dealt with his and silently cried and writhed in pain. Each man was different, but all the same: all wounded in love. There was once in my life that I felt truly loved in the midst of intamacy. He and I both were connected at that moment and time truly stopped. But we both had never felt like this and we both pulled back, and the moment ended. We sat there in silence, both with tears in our eyes, knowing what had happened. Both knowing we were afraid to open the Pandora's box love had in store for us. And we never attempted that again.

I think I've been searching for that connection in someone... just havent found it yet. i'm dying literally searching for that connectioin. I need it again, this time always...

"In The Meantime" again.... maybe I never left....

Reading "In The Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant, again... I mean I pick it up from time to time for affirmations, for a boost in my decision making, and for some edification. But I think I need a refresher course with Iyanla herself, 'cause I aint getting it! Iyanla says not to say stuff like that but the truth is I really am missing some things that will put it all in perspective, so i can have that "Ah ha" moment....

I was re-reading some parts this morning and here's what hit me....

pg. 25,26

" ...Neither life nor love requires us to give up our dignity, self-worth, career objectives, favorite television program, or our good common sense. For some reason, we don't always understand this. We believe in the necessity of giving up one thing in order to get something else. We do not understand that the highest expression of love is the experience and realization of more-more of who you are, what you do, what you believe, and what you have. love has the ability to bring all of you together under one roof, at one time, as one experience. Love is the experience of oneness, a union of the mind and heart. Unfortunately, we believe we can establish this union with others only if we give up something. We attempt to create this union with others before first creating it within ourselves. This is absolutely impossible. You can not get love from the outside until you are love on the inside. In the meantime, we do many things in the name of love, for the sake of love...."

pg. 34

" ...When things are at the least tolerable in a relationship, we believe that hiding, avoiding, denying, and resisting are the right thing to do. We think we are saving someone we love fron pain and suffering. The truth is, we are suffering! We are choking on our words! Suffocating our feelings! Twisting out truth! Banging our heads against a brick wall and oicking on ourselves-- Why?!!! Why?!! Why can't I get this love stuff right?! Picking on ourselves is the height of meantime behavior, and its this behavior that will make you say or do something you really dont want to do- just like they did." (this is where I was/am)

pg. 36

"... The truth of the matter is, if you are willing to go through the process of fighting, being mean, getting hurt, and realizing there's got to be a better way! you will eventually shift out of your pattern into a state of consciousness where you will be healed."


Like I said before, still waiting on my healing...

My time in Maryland...

"Everything That Glitters Is not Gold" the name of a new book by some guy in PG County Maryland. Walked into Borders {Cap Center} and the author was there signing his book and trying to get people to buy his book. I just thought he was a salesman, not the author and just kept it moving. I support new books, but not today I guess. Felt bad walking out but not bad enough to buy. I guess the title messed me up.
My newly single life got me messed up... I guess I'm jaded. Relationships glitter like platinum in the beginning but, the tin man shows up after the storm. I hate the fact that I'm jaded, but what can I do to save myself from a jaded forever? Not really a damn thing.

i spent sometime with one of my closest friends, and we had an interesting talk. made me realize alot about my situation and hers. I love that chick like blood. Cause we think along the same lines a lot of the time. We share similar experiences, and can laugh and cry about it in our own time. i just wish I had her courage....

My uncle whom I love to death, told me to keep it moving. Don't let what happened hold me back. Take my time, enjoy myself! Above anyone in earth his opinion matters the most to me. Even more than my parents.

He never sugar coats, doesn't tell you what you want to hear, gives it to you straight. and sometimes that shit burns like a shot of vodka, but he's being real, and I love that about him. Any man I'm with has to go through him, and if he don't like you, aint a real likelihood we'll stay together. it is what it is. Those are the rules.

Been here in Maryland since Friday, taking care of some personal biz. Gotta come back in like two weeks. I like it here, nice place to settle down, raise the kids. If I ever get the chance.

One of my aunts told me that I have to let the man I love go, in order for him to see me without him and for him to miss me in that way. And for me to stop using the word "only" in reference to him. Said i have to leave room for someone else, its making it hard for someone else to measure up to him. I understand. but I dont quite agree. I wonder what it will take for him to want me, to need me?

I sit here bored to death, the projection TV burned out right before I came, just in thought. Trying to figure out what to do next. Where to go next. And when I think like this i find myself sitting still, no movement. Just hoping it will come to me.

Move on? What the hell does that really mean? I cant sleep around for comfort, cant be in pseudo relationships, I want to meet people, but not necessarily date anyone... I'm a mess.

What to do, what to do....IONT EVEN KNOW....

questions with answers, but the answer leads to more questions...

I'm so bored...

Questioning why it is so important for people o go back to what was there before... why the teaching lasts longer and the lesson forgotten?

Why do bums sleep all day everyday?

Why do people think I'm no more than the average chick?

Why is it so hard for me to write the shit I need to write?

Why do dope feinds fall asleep mid sentence, then their entire body slumps, and as they are about to hit the floor they pop up a few inches and repeat?

Why can I give advice, but can't follow it?

Why do kids on the train think by being vulgar and crass it gives them some kind of street cred?

What would you do if your deepest darkest nightmare came true?

Why cant we erase whole chunks of time?

When is it ever ok to just give somebody the finger and keep it moving?

The Warriors Reminder, Erykah Badu

The PHOENIX RISES.... (this is actually the last tattoo I got)



The Warriors Reminder, Erykah Badu

I am awake
My mind is free
I am Creative
I love myself
My will power is strong
I am Brave
I practice patience
I dont judge folks
I give not to receive
I dont expect
I accept
I listen more than I talk
I know I'll change
I know you'll change
I'll hold on one more day
I start over when necessary
I create my own situations
I am cosmic
I dont have the answers
I desire to learn
I am the plan
I am strong
I am weak
I want to grow
I know I will
I take on responsibility
I hide myself from no one
Im on my path
Warriors walk alone
I wont let my focus change
Taking out the demons in my range...

Love dont love me no more...

Fear Of Love
by Morcheeba



We always have a choice
Or at least I think we do
We can always use our voice
I thought this to be true
We can live in fear
Extend our selves to love
We can fall below
Or lift our selves above

Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear

I always try so hard
To share my self around
But now I'm closing up again
Drilling through the ground

Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear

I'd love to give my self away
But I find it hard to trust
I've got no map to find my way
Amongst these clouds of dust

Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear

Gestation- Maxwell

She became filled earlier
As the late of destiny carved her creation
To the unsuspecting few
Holding in and hiding the pregnancy
She continued the dance, she moved
A year before now the dance would draw to an end
And the cleansing would need to begin
This next breed would be the bridge into the millenium
I was brought in then I was then blessed to aid the midwives
Thirty nine weeks crawled
And it seemed as if this walk would never run
Until she pulled a plushe filled push
And out from her came them

Each a radiant distinctive
Familiar as I have never seen in gazes before
They were filled blessed like thrills
I wondered their names as she thought
To me a thought in confidence
That she would make the news known soon
Dispelling shame
She assured me of no crime
As I was lost in the beholding
When the world looked upon
The coven they wondered the father
They suspected the mother, they insulted
For some connection
When in fact they were the bond
It took a moment as they would find individual lovers
Out of each of the babies

I looked on, hoping they would understand the growth
Not quite sure if I'd ever begin to myself
I would soon learn that ones here before me
Would usher in the next trinity of beings
I would soon learn that this
Was the scratch on the surface yet to be formed
Was I prepared?
This would begin the domino effect
Of a million questions unanswered

The Realest Dream

Last night/ this morning I had the realest feeling dream I've probably ever had in my life. My day has started off really lethargic becasue all I want to do is go back to sleep to have it again...


In the dream I saw the birth of my two sons. Both of whom looked like a combination of me and their father. I watched them grow, took a million pics of them, played with them, sang to them, and at the end of the dream i was putting them to bed and they said "I love you", and I woke up with tears in my eyes. It was crazy. But it was like it really happened. Almost woke up wanting to call out to them. It just puts a burning inside for the real thing.

What a day...

So.... my manager comes in today and calls a meeting for her group... in the meeting she tells us tht the comapny merger may not go through and that our company is selling off whole divisions to make the investors on both sides happy... which basically means we wont have jobs after the new year. so she tells us to start interviewing now and if we need letters of recommendation that she will sign it if we write them, no matter what they say as long as we dont blatently lie. so i'm thinking.... its a damn shame she has to tell us this because the big wigs here are saying its business as usual, when in fact the Wall Street journal has let the cat out of the bag. why lie to us, why keep us in the dark? who knows... guilt has a way of keeping people silent... bastards!