WTF is wrong with the kids out there

Child kills a child
Girl, 11, stabbed to death
BY KERRY BURKE and ALISON GENDARDAILY NEWS STAFF WRITERS
Girl's grieving aunt Sharon Washington weeps over the family’s 'star.'
-->
Book lover Queen Washington, 11, was fatally stabbed by pal, 9, yesterday, cops said.
-->A baby-faced 9-year-old allegedly stabbed her best friend through the heart yesterday as the girls fought over a pink rubber ball - a killing that shocked even hardened Brooklyn cops.
Queen Washington, an 11-year-old straight-A student and the "star" of her family, was left dead in a tragic, senseless crime that tore apart the two girls' mothers - also best friends.
The 9-year-old was charged with manslaughter last night after she allegedly plunged a kitchen knife into Queen as they tussled outside the apartment where they had spent many hours playing together.
"She wanted to go over there to spend Memorial Day weekend," Queen's devastated grandmother Muriel Washington, 44, told the Daily News.
"She loved being with" the 9-year-old, Washington added sadly. "That was my baby. It's terrible, terrible."
Shocked cops could not remember a girl this young being accused of such a brutal act.
As the 9-year-old was led away by police, her weeping mother followed her out of the Linden Houses in East New York, carrying a pair of shoes for the barefoot fourth-grader.
Because of her age, the 9-year-old will face charges in Family Court rather than Criminal Court, law enforcement sources said. The News is withholding her name.
The tragedy unfolded at 1:30 p.m. as the two pals got into a squabble over a spaldeen ball in the seventh-floor hallway outside the 9-year-old's apartment.
When Queenie, as her friends called her, refused to hand over the ball, the 9-year-old ran into her flat, grabbed the knife and buried it in the fifth-grader's chest, cops said.
The 9-year-old's mother had just stepped out to borrow a brush to fix her daughter's hair.
The girl's 16-year-old brother came out of the Wortman Ave. apartment to find Queen lying in a pool of blood, said neighbor Lissette Vega, 54.
"She looked like a bundle, she was not moving," Vega said. "The young guy was standing over her with a cell phone calling the police. I didn't want to look.
"How could one child kill another?"
The alleged stabber seemed stunned and didn't try to flee, sources said.
Queen's grandfather Earl Washington described the vivacious girl as the "star of the family, she was going places."
She was a straight-A student who loved books and dancing and playing Double Dutch, relatives said. Relatives said the tragedy came five years to the day after the death of Queen's father.
Queen was set to graduate from fifth grade next month at Public School 256 in Bedford-Stuyvesant.
"She was really excited about it. She asked everybody if they were coming to her graduation," said her grandmother, a drug counselor's assistant who raised Queen since the girl was born.
Now, instead of attending Queen's graduation, the family will plan her funeral.
What makes the horror even more baffling was that Queen's mother, Felicia Washington, was best friends with the 9-year-old's mom, relatives said.
Queen had been invited to the girl's home for a Memorial Day barbecue and loved spending time there.
"I can't imagine what happened," Muriel Washington said. "I can't believe it. [The 9-year-old's] mother was supposed to be watching her. I don't like them being left alone."
There were few tears for the 9-year-old suspect.
"She was a little thug," said neighbor Diva McPhatter, 44. "I always asked her to behave, but she was rude. She fought all the time. She was out of control. I'd confront her, but she'd just roll her eyes."
"We're not going to have any youth left," McPhatter added. "Now babies are killing babies. It's crazy."
With Tanyanika SamuelsOriginally published on May 31, 2005

Feeling ok...

I hate gas stoves! Somehow someway my stove wasnt completely off and i was breathing gas most of last night along with my significant other. This is why no matter where I 've lived I never had a gas stove until now. He didnt react any kind of way just turned the fan on and laid back down like it didnt faze him at all. Which actually annoyed me.

I chilled with the fam over the weekend. It was cool.

Found out my artist has been doing some moonlighting... Singing back up for Kindred (check the Hidden Beach Records website if you dont know who they are). And she also recorded some new stuff. I'm happy its working out for her. Its game time baby. Ball is in our court to make something happen....

Good day turned bad

Why do relationships have a certain element of suffering? When they are in a bad mood, somehow your mood shifts as well, whether you wanted it to or not? You planned on having a good day, despite grinding your teeth the entire night before because of all the huffing and puffing beside you. You were goingto have a good, or so you thought. I wanted to be in a good mood today, but now I'm not I cant stand it!

here we go again...

FL Girl Found Buried Alive Source: AP by Jill Barton 05/24/2005


An 8-year-old girl who was raped and buried alive under rocks and concrete blocks inside a trash bin told a friend that the last thing that she remembered before passing out was her attacker towering over her. But she said she awoke when she heard rescuers' voices, and wiggled her fingers to let them know she was there.

The girl, who was found by police seven hours after she was reported missing early Sunday, was hospitalized in good condition Monday and was talking with family and friends.

A teenage boy has been charged with attempted murder.

"She said the last thing she remembers is that he looked over her with these big eyes and then she said she went to sleep. She said she was waiting for us to find her," said 18-year-old Danielle Holloman, a family friend who calls the girl her
sister.

"She said she knew we would come get her. That's why as soon as the police came, she wiggled her fingers," Holloman said Monday.

Police Sgt. Mike Hall found the girl after climbing into a 25-foot-long trash bin and opening the lid to a 30-gallon recycling container. Inside, he saw the girl's hand and foot peeking out amid heavy concrete slabs.Rescuers feared the worst, but the mood turned jubilant when they saw the girl's fingers move and realized she was alive.

"There's no doubt in my mind that this child would have been dead if he didn't find her. She was dehydrated and in rough shape with pieces of cement blocks on top of her and she was face down," Sgt. Dan Boland said.

"There was no way for her to get out on her own."He said there must have been enough air pockets in the container to keep her alive.

Her disappearance rattled a state that had been outraged over the arrests of sex offenders in the separate killings earlier this year of 9-year-old Jessica Lunsford and 13-year-old Sarah Lunde.The girl had been staying overnight at her godmother's house in this town about 10 miles south of West Palm Beach — where she often stayed on weekends when her mother worked. After police found her, she described her attacker — a teenage boy who also had been staying at the house, police said.

Authorities said Milagro Cunningham, 17, confessed and was charged with attempted murder, sexual battery on a child under 12, and false imprisonment of a victim under age 13, police said.

The teen initially told investigators that the girl may have been abducted by five men in a station wagon and that he followed them but they got away. His story then unraveled under questioning, Boland said.

Holloman said Cunningham's mother lives in the Bahamas and he had been staying with an aunt until she accused him of stealing and kicked him out about four months ago. He then went to live at the home of Lisa Taylor, Holloman's mother and the girl's godmother."He was a good person. He would clean and do chores, laugh and play jokes and stuff. We never thought he would do something like that," Holloman said.

"The only reason I can think he went crazy like this is his father died and his mother didn't want him. Nobody wanted him."

The teen has a relatively minor criminal record, authorities said. He was on probation for throwing a rock through a car window.T

he girl vanished from the bedroom she was sharing with Holloman's 1-year-old son. Her disappearance was discovered when Holloman and Taylor's other teenage daughter came home after a night of roller-skating, authorities said.A half-hour later, Cunningham knocked on the door and the sisters found him with his shirt torn and his clothes covered with dirt.

Investigators said that was when he started telling his story about the men in the station wagon."We believed him. We all believed him because we never thought he would do something like that," Holloman said.

After an Amber Alert was issued, neighbors poked holes in the boy's account and the attention began to focus on him. He initially said there were five attackers, then four and later two."When somebody tells you a story, sometimes things just don't add up and once you get deeper into it, the holes get bigger and bigger," Boland said.

Authorities said the girl was found far enough from any homes that no one would probably have heard if she had cried out. The trash bin was in a fenced-off former landfill behind a park where she often played with friends.

She is beautiful....

For Madame Butterfly… in response to or rather an extention of “ She needs to be told she’s Beautiful” blog entry on her spot....


I am beautiful no matter what they sayWords can't bring me downI am beautiful in every single way…

But for those of us who never heard it
Who don’t believe it wholly yet
Where’s our anthem?
The one that recognizes our lack of understanding of the beauty within?
The one that speaks of the inability to face ourselves in the mirror and be ok with the reflection?

Our daddy’s called us pretty
And treated us as such
Paid just enough attention to us
For general upkeep
Paraded us in public
Then forgot to recognize us when no one was looking
When the spot light was off
No camera flashes
No family portraits
When it was just us was I still pretty then?
Was I still worthy then?

Brothers tell your daughters
They are beautiful
Believe me she needs to hear it
From you most of all
Say it almost as much as you say I love you
Start when she is in the womb
As her body, mind and soul form
It becomes an inborn concept
So that her first breath edifies it
Tell her before she can speak
So her first words reflect her example of beauty
As she grows and matures
Tell her how beautiful each part of her is
How her hair coils 360 degrees
Reflecting the rotation of the sun of life itself
Her thick lips open her mouth
That she may be heard across time and space
Her wide nose
Inhales the Rose of Sharon
And breathes Him deeply
And His beauty is seen in her
Remind her to walk head high
And raise it if it falls
Call her beautiful instead of boo or baby
Strengthen her sense of self worth
Father’s father her because she is beautiful
The most beautiful part of you
Brothers protect her from danger seen and unseen because she is you sister
Uncles be the example of a real man in her life
Please hold her hand, ease her mind
Let her know she is safe
Be a safe house, create one in your arms
Defend her honor, show her chivalry
Make her know she is worth any and every sacrifice
Be her hero
Give her a reason to hold on to her treasure
For one worthy of her…..


I wrote this February last year and its still incomplete... one day it will be finished and ingested and believed....

letting go...

This morning I feel like Samson after the hair-cut... Loss of power, loss of strength, loss of my will to fight... I feel like I could crawl in a corner and just cry. Tired of being strong to day, I want to be vulnerable, actually I am right now. I dont want to stand stoic, I want to have worry lines drape my face today. I want to just feel, feel the worry feel the pain, feel the anxiety of the unknown, feel anything other than strong. I dont want to appear strong, I dont want to seem like I got it under control. I am mess on the inside, a complete and utter mess. i can regurgitate all of the "don't worries" I've said to others but it wouldnt edify me, they fall on deaf ears and heart. I want to soak my pillow with tears, I want to be an insomniac with worry on the mind, I want to know that doing and being all of this is ok... because I am and I will be all of this today, maybe tomorrow too, could be for a while... i want to let go of my image of being unscathed by life, like I can go through every and any thing stright faced and hopeful in the face of defeat. I can't anymore, I wont any more.

Not a Good Morning So Far....

So I had a run in with my wall this morning, and I lost the fight terribly. Bloody nose and mouth, because of that damn loud alarm clock... I left both of my phones at home, I left some biz stuff on the table, left my lunch in the fridge, and I was 15min late... I listened to my gospel music this morning on the train to calm myself down, and it worked for the most part. But I'm here at work and that in itself is a damn crime....

Bizack

So I’m back on the grind… my surgery went well, a little puffy and achy but cool none the less… had a wack meeting this morning… same old same old… but I did hear from my manager that the little incident last week didn’t end with the meeting I was in. there was a meeting following with just her and the managers where they told her that her behavior is/was unacceptable, and that it wasn’t taken lightly. They told her that I am not the one to try her management skills on, and that she shouldn’t have tried to walk over me in the first place. As it turns out I have more managerial experience than her and I know policies better than she thinks and that she should be thankful that I didn’t take it to Hr because she would have been fired. Funny how things work themselves out… and my desk was clear when I came in this morning, meaning I do my work fools…

… I spoke to my friend this week via IM and she doing well, just graduated and decided to go back to school, I say good deal anything to avoid the real world is cool…

Doing some business stuff, got some connects in high places, so keeping it moving….

Bored now…

"Unleashed"

I went to the sneak preview of “Unleashed” the new Jet Li flick. It was cool, dope fighting scenes, but the story line was weak and co-star Morgan Freeman was less than Oscar worthy. There was an unknown actress who played Morgan Freeman’s step-daughter, she was annoying as hell! The flick is worth it if ur into fighting scenes if not wait for the DVD and even then make it ur last choice.

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - A judge entered not-guilty pleas Tuesday for the mother and stepfather charged with murdering a little girl found beheaded in Kansas City four years ago.Michelle M. Johnson, 30, and Harrell Johnson, 25, both of Muskogee, Okla., made their first court appearance in Missouri in the slaying of Erica Michelle Marie Green. The couple were returned to the state earlier in the day from an Oklahoma jail.Erica had been known only as Precious Doe until a tipster came forward and enabled police to identify her and arrest the couple last week.She was almost 4 when her headless body was found in a park in 2001. Days later, her head was found nearby, wrapped in a trash bag.Police said Harrell Johnson told authorities that he was under the influence of alcohol and PCP when he became angry with Erica after she refused to go to bed, grabbed her, kicked her and threw her to the ground, leaving her unconscious.After she died, he used hedge clippers to cut off her head, police said.More than a dozen neighbors and others who had spent years searching for clues to the little girl's identity attended the hearing Tuesday."You really want to see what kind of person could have done something like this, especially to their own child," said Marcie Williams of Kansas City. (Associated Press)


This case has been in and out of the news for the last four years and finally there is some resolution and hopefully justice for this little girl. I just can’t believe this little girl went through such a gruesome encounter with her heartless parents. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach to think that this was how her life ended. I pray to God that closure can be found for all those who searched and prayed for justice for this child. This case proves the devil is alive and moving through and winning souls.

my thoughts....

I went to go see the movie “Crash” Friday night. That movie was excellent in my book! It took like six different story lines and showed how we all are connected to a point. Everything you do affects someone else, regardless of if you see that affect or not. It was a powerful film in its entirety. It played host to peoples ignorance and the little lies and prejudices we all have but fail to admit. I’d recommend this film to everyone.

I’ve had a subject on my mind for like the last year and change… I try to understand, I try to look at it indifferently, but it’s hard. Are there so many black men being jailed and murdered that it is ok for females to turn on themselves and become the pursuers of each other? Lesbianism is the new epidemic in the black community. I see the women; well its more high school aged young ladies that are the newest recruits. A few months ago I was getting on the train @ Union Square and I saw what looked like a gang of females groping, kissing, and basically humping each other on the platform. It had be at least 10 couples, all female. I just felt my heart drop, and tears well up in my eyes. These girls weren’t even old enough to drive, and to think for themselves, but them deemed themselves old enough to sleep with another person, whether it be male of female? I couldn’t understand how and why it was ok.

Now I am not a gay basher or a homophobic. I have friends that have chosen that lifestyle. And we have one rule; don’t bring that shit to me. And our friendship is cool.

I have friend that I’ve known since I was like six that is as she claims a bi-sexual. I didn’t know until we were in college and I saw the gay pride flag on her wall in her room. I was so naive I had to ask what it meant. It was on the wall with the African American flag, and a Rasta flag. I knew what they were, but the multi colored flag was a mystery. So I asked and she laughed and said “ you really don’t know do you?” I said no. She explained to me that she didn’t know how to tell me that she always assumed I just knew. Which she learned I really didn’t know, had no clue. I just assumed she dressed like a guy because she was the only female in her family. Her mom and two aunts were the only women she had every really been around, so she did what she knew how, which was to be like her brothers. I didn’t know. And when she told me that I told her that she wasn’t going to be able to straddle the fence for long. One day she was going to have to choose a man or a woman. This was like four years ago. And from what I hear she has a boyfriend and they’ve been together for like two years.

This morning I had a female couple standing next to me. I tried to mind my biz, and do me, but they started becoming overly touchy feely, and the butch one kept looking at me. I was trying to hold my peace, and I had to turn and give her the screw face. Some of these young ladies are so beautiful, but you can see in their eyes that they don’t think so. Like they feel somebody is going to love them whether it has a penis or a vagina. So they settle for the latter just to say that they do have someone to love them. They are getting younger and younger, and in some instances raunchier. Some of them I believe want to be so different and prove their individuality that they choose a lifestyle that is deemed alternative and in some instances and opinions deviant. So they do it to the max, extra baggy clothes, fades and tats and everything else that will allow them to look the part of a man, act the part of a man.

I just pray that a day will come when the self-esteem issues that these females have will be addressed and dealt with. I hope one day that the lack of fathers and brother uncles and cousins to esteem these young ladies will cease. She needs to be told she is beautiful, she is strong, and she is worthy, told simply that she is! So these young ladies don’t have to take on the role of father, brother, cousin, uncle because of a lack there of.

I personally blame the men and women for all this nonsense. We are living in a “down-low” era. This subject is hot topic and has been for a while. One the book “ down-Low” came out, more and more brothers came out. More and more men decided to final own up to their homosexual relationships. And it has been a means for AIDS to enter the community at alarming rates. I was watching America’s Black Forum, and it was the topic this weekend. Two of the commentators, women, were saying that the down-low lifestyle has damaged women’s mindset about the men they are involved with. They were saying that it makes women scared of commitment, it makes them turn on each other and the number of lesbians has risen more than 200% in the last 5yrs. in the black community. The other commentator was a man who wrote a book entitled “ Beyond the Down-Low”. He claims that has been a problem way before either book came out. It was the secret that blacks never wanted to tell. But that now that the homosexual lifestyle should be accepted to avoid men from having to sleep around in an unsafe manner.

Ok while I don’t agree with the lifestyle, I say if what you do and whom you do are wrong, you’ll find out when judgment comes.

Decisions

So my director pulls me in the office again and tells me that the letter I wrote was well received and it did point out somethings that I was unable to discuss in the meeting earlier, because big mouth couldnt shut up. She told me that I dont have to worry about my job because as far as she is concerned i do my job and I do it well. But she said she was unaware of the friction between myself and the other lady. Like I've said since this thing started I was done with it way before it got to a level that was uncalled for.....

I gotta get the hell out of here, period. This is a hell hole that has idiots running the show. I need to be vigorous in my search for a new job... I have to be diligent in finding a new job...

Ready to go...

Working...

Life is a funny thing. As much as I have seen in life, and as many places that I have been, I do acknowledge that I don’t know it all. This week has been a constant reminder of this. People do what they know how, people live the way they have always unless they make a constant effort to change it. It’s hard yes but at this point we are too grown, age wise, to not go beyond that. Age is nothing but a number; it does not equal maturity or intellect. This is something I have to constantly be aware of. I keep thinking that people that have been through things, and are grown that they know how to deal with life when it comes to them full force. How sad it is to know that they do not.
Yesterday I was made so angry I felt myself going to the “bad place”. This is that place where I black out and cause harm to others and myself. Be it physical, emotional, and spiritual. I felt my mind come to a complete halt. My body tensed up and I began to sweat and breathe heavily. I know for myself, that I do have an anger problem/issue; hell it is my demon. It is the one thing in my life that can ruin me. It has gotten the best of me so many times. I shoved many blessings in disguise right back in God’s face and acted like I didn’t care when I realized what I had done. The “bad place” is somewhere I can lose myself. The person I have strived to become. The person that is more than that, bigger than that. I have had help for this situation, sat on many couches and tried to find the source, to figure out away to defuse myself before I get to that place. For the most part the work I put in helped. But there have been a few situations in the past 10 yrs that have angered me to the point to losing it. Its almost like I go outside of myself and watch it all happen knowing I wouldn’t want to be the recipient of what is happening. But I am the one doing it. I can’t stop it fast enough.

Yesterday the same stupid co-worker that has been the thorn in my side decided to berate me publicly in the office and to attack me on a personal level…

The meeting, in my mind, did not allow for all sides of the story to get out. She berated me publicly and then in the privacy of the meeting continued to attack me personally, calling me a “spoiled brat that wants everyone to do everything for me.” “ And “ that you sit there all high and mighty” This is and was unprofessional. If the problem we have in work related let it stay that way. If it is personal let it also stay personal and be discussed when we are not in the work environment. She could not separate her personal feelings from the professional work that needed to be done, thus causing what was a cordial work relationship to now sour beyond repair, and has created a hostile working environment.

In all of my working years I have never been berated and embarrassed by any of my co-workers, colleagues, management. I have held management positions in everyone one of my jobs and in each was required to at times scold an employee, but I have never done this publicly, nor have I ever attacked someone personally. Whatever issues Maria has with me she should have addressed them to me in private. There are more than enough conference rooms and offices to discuss this in a professional manner. Maria chose otherwise and turned something that was private into a public spectacle.

My perceived “attitude” she referenced on several occasions in the course of the meeting, goes both ways. For someone to constantly be abrasive, condescending, banal and dictative toward you, will naturally cause you to react the same way, or to be on the defensive when speaking to him or her. Respect given when received. In all of the arguments She has pointed the finger at me completely, never once taking responsibility for her actions and her attitude toward me. There many instances where she has come to me to show me how to do something and when I inform her that I already know how to do it, she seems at this point to be offended. Like my understanding of my job and the system is threatening toward her. I have however resolved in those instances to ignore her and to work around her.

In this situation I followed the chain of command. I waited to speak with my direct supervisor about the matter, in a way of absolving my opinions and feelings toward her. Because I chose to wait, and resolve the matter the way deemed most appropriate, I was seen as insubordinate.

She and I have arguments in which the timeliness of things she asks to be done is completed. There are times where I am working on something that I would like to finish, and I let her know that it will be taken care of. But this too is seen as a problem. There are certain projects that have to be done on specific days and specific times. There projects that supercede things that has to be done for collectors. She refuses to understand that because I do not jump to do her project the second she gives it to me, that I will do it. She calls three or four times to make sure that it is being done she comes to my desk and asks about it. Not realizing a lot of the time it already has been done and because of the other projects of the day it wasn’t given to her right away. Or there are times where it was pushed back because of another pressing matter that needed to be taken care of. In these occasions I am being insubordinate, in her opinion.

I could have easily followed the demon and punched the shit out of her. But I decided to stay seated and to continue to remain as calm as possible. I held on to my chair so damn hard I hurt my hand. I really wanted to f-her-up so bad it wan paining me to sit still. But I didn’t yell back I didn’t stand and point fingers I didn’t do anything but defend myself verbally. And now my job is in danger. Her lack of professionalism and utter lack of respect for herself and in turn others has become a burden ion the department. But hey in business seniority wins. And that’s how the meeting ended. I wanted to say a swift fuck you to all of them but I chose not.

God don’t like ugly! And the bitch is ugly inside and out.
Whatever happens happens at this point. I know I’m cool with it oh but bests believe when I’m walking out the door the fuck you I held back will be said loud and proud!!!

Assume...

It's funny to me how people assume because of my age, or the way I look, or the fact that I dont have a degree, that I may be behind on the issues of our time, or simply that I don't know anything about anything. I love being the one to prove them wrong. I have a woman in my office that swears she is the know it all of all. She believe's that since I've only been here for one year that am unaware of procedures and how our accounting system works. i recently had to prove her wrong in front of our supervisors, it was hilarious to me. She didn't know that I knew how to do a particular application in our system, much less how to access it. The truth is I've known for months and I just never told anyone. Boredom has a way of making you discover things you wouldnt have otherwise. But as she was dictating to me how to do the application, I cut her off. Corrected her and showed her how to do it in a more efficient way. She stood with her mouth open and huffed and puffed for the next few days. I laughed and laughed.

First of all please assume nothing about me. You don't know what I know uless you ask. And please ask the question you want answered, because I'll answer according to your wording. It's annoying to some people, but it has been a way to make people say and ask what they mean to rather than trying to cover it up with BS. Please ask me if I know before you assume I do not. Quietness is kept, yeah thats my motto. I know how to do a plethera of things, I am well versed and I can speak in any circle, from dudes that hang out on my corner to CEO's too.

I like being a chamelion of sorts. It has made me learn to adapt and become apart of any environment without sticking it too much. I stick out already cause I'm black, young and a woman. But my academic prowess is beyond my years and i understand that. but I also know that even though it may be used as a weapon it is a double edged sword, I cant be too cocky, I have to maintain sometimes, appear aloof in order to appease the hierarchy. It keeps them at bay, keeps them from being able to use your intellegence for their gains.

The 48 Laws of Power has taught me so much. The book does require some cunning manuvers. Some coups of intellegence and power but it works in some siuations. I'm reading it very slowly so that I understand the words and the anecdotes and find ways of incorporating what they say. I'm do a lot of the techniques required to succeed already in my everyday life so this is review for me right now.

I know this sounds cocky, but it's not meant that way. I know I am intelligent and I am here for a reason, I have been given this mind and heart for a reason. So I'm just letting people know I got it, I am a force to reckon with. This is a warning... I'm coming to win, and I aint stopping til I do!!!!

Mother's Day...

I sent out all my mother's day cards today. Sent my mom a package. Hopefully her fast hands can wait until Sunday. I had to sign my brothers and sister's names to all the other family members cards. They conveniently forget every year.
My mom and I are in a good place and have been for a while. Probably because I left home, and was away. I had to leave for my own reasons, and I am cool with that. She sees me for who I am not who she wants me to be, and I love that. We had some rough years there, some real scream fests, but we are here now and I love it, and her even more.
Motherhood.... oh the prospect of that is mesmerizing to me. To be a mother means more than anything to me. But it comes with so much resposibility and it requires you to adapt and learn yourself and your child all at the same time. Causing you to curve, bend and stretch to be all you can be for your seed. I want to be a mother so bad tis crazy. Funny thing is I'd do it tomorrow. Start my family now. Whats even crazier is I'd be ok with it. Of course there is an ere of the unknown, but I think having that fear will equip me to be on my toes at all times.

I have asked a few significant other's this question..." If I asked you to get me pregnant, without giving a reason, would you do it?" Each one that I have asked has said yes. Whether it be to solidify the love we shared or to seem in tune, they all said yes. this never scared me I think it made me more bold. Like I knew if in the event it did happen they would be ok with it. Stick around, be a father and a dad to the child.

Am I afraid to be a mother? nah, I'm really not. I'm more afraid of repeating some of the behaviors of the past generations in my family. Making it really easy for my child to rebel and find their own way the hard way. I want them to grow and know the have the room necessary to do so. I want them to know that while I may have rules and that breaking them has consequences, there are times when they will be free to make their own decisions and deal the consequences they set for themselves.

I want my kids to smarter than me, to want more out of life than me, to be bolder, more chrasmatic, have unwaivering character, be creative in their way, to love the arts, to sing wrong notes, to fall and scrape their knees, to cry when something hurts or something is wrong, or just because they dont know what else to do and know it is ok to do it. I want them to find their own way and know they can always come home.

I feel there is a line that should never be crossed when raising children. You can never ever cross the line between discipline and abuse!!!!! Some parents have blurred vision of where this line is and don't realize it. And not necessarily on purpose. It's the generational curse. Spanking is cool to a point. Aa smack on the hand, a tap on the bottom as infants/toddlers; ok but remeber they are delicate. One or two quick smacks works. When you get to the repeated hits, you are getting to that abusive place. As they get older children don't need to be spanked so much. They need a stern word, a lesson to be learned from their actions. Throwing pot spoons, and shoes and phone books, just makes them afraid of you and afriad to be close to you in any regard.
I dont plan on spanking my kids they way my parents did me. I dont plan on yelling as much as they did either. But I know you learn by example and my example was what it was because of the example given to them. I know I will have to make a conscious effort to avoid them pitfalls of that kind of behavior. It is necessary and ideal that I show them this from early on.

Motherhood will be my greatest achievement in life. I could care less about accolades, money, prestige or possessions. If my children love me half as much as I love them, I accomplished it all!

The Endless Ache

The Invitation

"It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments. "



"One of the easiest and most enjoyable ways to become aware of your conditioned way of seeing, to open to new perceptions, is to spend time with people who see things differently than you do. Most of us spend time with people who share our worldview, people who think and see in similar ways. It gives us comfort to have the authority of our experience reinforced by another's experience. Being with those who have had different experiences and so see differently not only opens us to new perceptions but helps us become aware of our habitual blinders...We have to become aware of and set aside our conditioned ways of perceiving in order to hear the rising symphony in the rush of the river, to see the beauty in a bit of ice, to find the story beneath a series of events, to imagine hover-chairs and beds on wheels. As Mary Olive reminds us in her poem "Wild Geese," wherever we are, our inner and outer worlds are constantly offering themselves to our imaginations. We often simply do not see what is right in front of us. We look for and see what we expect, what has been seen there before. The things that are most familiar, the world of our daily lives, the emotions and physical sensations that quickly come and go are hardly noticed or are labeled and judged in some habitual way that moves us past them with little or no real awareness. Our mind quickly labels what it perceives as good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant, useful or useless and we move toward or away from what we see based on these often unconscious and automatic judgments...Finding the stories we want to write, the play of light and shadow we want to photograph, the sounds we want to weave into songs in ways that are alive for ourselves and those to whom we will offer our work requires learning to see, to be aware, to pay attention. . . ."


"But sometimes, unexpectedly, a quiet moment finds us and we drop down into the life we have beneath all the rushing and the trying and the endless daily details, sinking into the fertile soil of the sometimes neglected inner life, where the seeds of remembering what matters are planted. What comes from that place when we give it half a chance flowers in our lives and the world, creating unexpected changes in the direction of our journey and offering unanticipated blessings to us and those around us."

"So I sat down to write at my desk in the dim light of the streetlamp outside my window. Since I was a child I have written to understand myself and the world, to find the stories that show me the meaning I can make of my life... As the words flowed I recognized a voice that has always been there within me; the voice that passionately seeks life's purpose; the voice of the tired heart that longs for real intimacy and deep rest; the voice that asks me to be fully present with it all- the pain and the joy, the beauty and the sorrow, the inner silence and the noise of the world."


--- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Hitting me slowly....

Had something typed and ready to post... somehow someway it got erased..... so I summed up everything I was feeling into a few choice phrases taken from songs by Ms. Kia El-Amin(if you want to actually hear full versions of the songs I'll email them to you), and some other famous and not so famous folks.....


" Amidst the hussle and bussle of the day, I take a moment to breathe. Sometimes the smoke so thick its hard to focus initially, to see. So instead of feeling out of control, slow it down and take inventory. Treat life like books, one page at a time, until you finish the story. Patiently waiting to be all I can be. Watching as everyone steps into their own except me... I learned early on, that patience is a virtue. We all want so much to succeed, what you reach out for too hastily may hurt you..."

" 'Cause when this life is over, and the truth can now be found. Get your shit together while your feet still touch the ground. People watching their own demise. With one foot in the grave and their head to the sky. Cause time is moving faster, and the world still moves round and round, get yourself together while your feet still touch the ground."

" ...I'm still working on me... Struggling with the me I used to be, I'm still working on me. But my God knows, I'm trying to find my way home to the woman I need to be. I'm still working on me, I aint got it right yet, cause I'm still working on me. So obvious to you aint always clear to me. It aint impossible, it aint even improbable to be incomplete. I'm still working on me...."

" I've lived, I have earned, I have taken, I have earned, I have laughed, I have cried, I have failed and I have tried, sunshine, pouring rain, found joy through my pain, i just wanna be happy being me.... always and all ways...."

" Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing thing must be attained."

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want and if they cant find them, make them"

Monday Morning

Well well well, another Monday. The day is beautiful, nice temp, sun is shining. I can dig it!
I'm wearing a pink dress shirt and khaki's. Waiting for my bagel w/vege cream cheese to arrive. I'm in a pretty good mood. Got some Jesus this weekend. Cleaned my house and chilled. Ok basically I played video games all weekend and kept my cousin awake while she worked like 32hrs in three days.

I was reading a friend's blog and she said she knows somebody that doesnt like or intend on working. Hey thats me to a point. I f i didnt have to work at my job I wouldnt. If I had the opportunity to work on what I wanted when I wanted and still be productive I would. If I had a million dollars I could make it last for a very long time to where I wouldnt hae to work. This 9-5 Biz isnt me. I hate it. I wish i could just work when I wanted. Thats why I pray this enetrtainment company works. I need a job where i walk in the door and i dont feel like I'm working. I want to do the things I enjoy! Why cant it be that easy? I write somebody a biz plan, they say make it work, and give me the freedom try my hand at it? I wish.. but at the same time I'm making it happen slowly but surely!

Runaway Bride.... I have someone that I love dearly that is about to make a mistake, only thing is I cant stop her. She is marrying someone I love like an annoying brother, but I honestly think it will worsen the already rough situation they have. I wish she would run away and be the free spirit and bird that I know she is. She has lost who she is with each year they are together. 8 years + and they are now making the decision to get married. She has lost that fire and drive she once had. Now all she does is to make him happy. But I truly believe she isnt happy. and hasnt been for years. But why change what you have when you see no prospect of anything better, or rather are to lazy to look for it? It hurts me that I cant be this honest with her. But I support her in all she does. And I supprt her decision while I do not agree with it. Conflict of intertest, maybe. An internal battle not to scream at her to do better, you sure as hell better believe it!!! But what can I do but love and support her? I feel like I'm lying to her everytime we talk about it. I've told her I think she can do better for years ansd just let it go like three years ago and said she'll have to learn on her on. But I dont know what to say or do to make her see the light. I am so conflicted as you can see and read. I pray that she gets what she really wants and not what seems cool on the surface. Love is the greatest addiction, and I learned that by watching her. Too bad there isnt a rehab for it. She'd need all 12 steps, the entre library of books and go to group and one on one sessions 24-7 to get him out of her system. I used to wish he'd disappear for like a good 18 months in order for her to rediscover herself. So she can reprioritize her life, and realize she has missed so much waiting for him to catch up. I try to say it isnt my fight to be concerned this much about. But it is to a point. She is like blood and thats how i do with my family. I want to cry for her and with her, and show her this isnt it and that her life can and will go on. But she's having none of it, so we are here and have been for like 5 years. So where do we go from here?