TODAY

Most mornings the General and I watch the Today show. most mornings Al Roker says the most idiotic stuff, ok every morning. Once and a while Matt Lauer says some crap that just makes you tilt your head to the side and blink really fast. This morning he went well above and beyond his normal crap. he was interviewing a woman from England who claims to be a real medium, she even has a show on Bravo I think. He was trying to make a point about how he is creeped out sometimes by the show, he said " ... you walked up to strangers, some Black guys..." my brain kinda stopped for a moment. The General and I looked at each other wide-eyed like " I know he didn't just say that." He didn't even blink, it was like common language to him. It was a moment that should have people buzzing, but I bet people wont talk about it as much as you'd think. I just think it was worth a mention.

The Dream Weaver is messing with me...

I've been having this recurring dream for the last few months, you know the kind that ends in the same spot, but you still haven't caught the meaning yet? In my dream I'm holding my child, I'm in my favorite performing spot, Tropical Soul (Richmond, Va), my name is called and as I approach the stage I remove my jacket. I stand there for a moment, with my arm folded across my chest, take a few deep breaths and begin to perform. Only thing is the poem I'm performing is a poem I have yet to write, it's dope though. The poem speaks about my role as a mother, and there is a part in the poem where I unfold my arms and reveal tattoos on my arms. They are very intricate, and somehow have to do with my poem. As unfolded my arm everyone ohhs and ahhs. I always wake up right after I unfold my arms.

It sucks because the poem like I said is dope. Can't believe its coming out of me. I wish I could write it down. but I guess its not meant to be written just yet.

Sleep finally came...

I wont claim to be the most religious person, I'd say I was more of a spritual person. I don't go to church as often as I should, I go but there are severe gaps in frequency.

Recently I've been finding my mind on more spritual things. I've wrestling with something for a few days, it was causing me to lose sleep. Only thing was I didn't know what it was. I still don't. But I was taught to believe in battles in the spirit world, spiritual warfare. The battle for your soul isn't always faught in the physical, that is my sincere belief. And for three days my body, mind and soul were uneasy. Kept finding myself deep in thought, but never about anything specific, jumping around to any and everything. I was unfocused and confused. I was drained and couldn't understand why. I wasn't worried about anything, not on the conscious level anyway.

But I prayed about it. Called my parents and they prayed about it. I got home and ate, relaxed for a moment or two. I retreated into my room and prayed some more. Opened my Bible, not to any particular place. I believe if you open it and just start to read you'll find what you were looking for. It opened on that page to serve a purpose for you. This is where mine opened:


Psalms 51
1 - Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
2 - Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
3 - For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin [is] ever before me.
4 - Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done [this] evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, [and] be clear when thou judgest.
5 - Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 - Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden [part] thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
7 - Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 - Make me to hear joy and gladness; [that] the bones [which] thou hast broken may rejoice.
9 - Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
10 - Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
11 - Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
12 - Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me [with thy] free spirit.
13 - [Then] will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
14 - Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: [and] my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
15 - O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
16 - For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give [it]: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
17 - The sacrifices of God [are] a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
18 - Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
19 - Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.

I listened to a few of my favorite Gospel joints, called my parents again and they prayed with me again. And I fell asleep. No issues, no jerking awake, no heart racing. Just sleep. I can say without question I feel sooooo much better this morning. My soul is at ease.

I guess with so much hussle and bussle in the world, sometimes you just have to return to the teaching. I was taught to pray at all times. But I guess my human arrogance and intellegence kept getting in the way. And sometimes we have to be broken in order to see that.

WB... I thought you'd always outlive me... hoping you still will

As a child I was taught never to question God. Questioning Him meant you didn't believe that what He did/does is in your best interest. But I am human and when life comes at you who else can you question? Over the last year and change, I find the question on the cusp of my lips. I sometimes question myself as to why certain things happen, try to somehow see the bigger picture. But my mind skips sections, skips the necessaries, things that make it make sense. I want to sit with God and ask Him some questions about my life and about why He places people into my life only to snatch them away. My life used to feel like a cruel joke for a long time, at which point I stopped questioning. I didn't care for the answer, I just wanted an end to it all. But as my life got on track I found myself questioning when bad things happen.

There are people places and things you think will always be with you. You never question whether you will have them, you just know you will. But when you see them slipping away or lose them before you can save them you stand there with your jaw on the floor, no movement. then the guilt of "shoulda woulda coulda" haunts you.

I would make it right if I could, I'd take away the pain and the heart ache, I'd bare your burden for you, I swear I would... I can't see you like this, it hurts me too much... You're gonna outlive me, and not as a memory... I love you for more reasons than you know...

Kick Push Kick Push

Video triggers FBI probe of L.A. arrest
Footage shows police officers striking suspect in face during confrontation
The Associated Press

LOS ANGELES - Video footage posted on YouTube.com showing a police officer repeatedly striking a suspect in the face during an arrest three months ago has triggered an FBI investigation.

The video shows two officers holding down William Cardenas, 24, on a Hollywood street as one punches him several times in the face before they are able to handcuff him. The struggling suspect yells repeatedly “I can’t breathe!”

The footage, shot by an area resident, came to the FBI’s attention Thursday, prompting investigators to open a civil rights inquiry into the Aug. 11 incident, agency spokeswoman Laura Eimiller said.
The police department has begun its own criminal and administrative investigations into the officers’ use of force, said police spokesman Lt. Paul Vernon.

‘The video is disturbing’The officers were identified as Alexander Schlegel and Patrick Farrell. Both have been reassigned to administrative work.

“There’s no denying that the video is disturbing,” Chief William Bratton said at a news conference. “But as to whether the actions of the officers were appropriate in light of what they were experiencing and the totality of the circumstances is what the investigation will determine.”
Vernon said Cardenas is a known gang member who had been wanted on a felony warrant for receiving stolen property.

In an arrest report obtained by The Associated Press, the officers said they tried to arrest Cardenas as he and two others were drinking beer on a sidewalk.
Cardenas ran and the officers caught up to him, tripped him and swarmed over him to apply handcuffs, the report said.

The officers described repeated blows to the suspect’s face in the report, as well as his efforts to resist, and their concern that he might grab one of their guns during the brawl.

“The suspect’s hand covered my partner’s gun holster so I yelled at my partner to watch his gun. My partner responded by capping his gun and delivering a left elbow to the suspect’s face causing the suspect to let go of him,” the report said.

Pepper spray had ‘little effect’With Cardenas still resisting, one officer used pepper spray on him, but that had “little effect,” the report said. The officers were only able to handcuff him after two of his friends arrived and told him to stop fighting, according to the report.

Cardenas suffered cuts and bruises on his arms, leg and face, and received stitches on an eyelid. His attorney, B. Kwaku Duren, accused the officers of violating his client’s civil rights and claimed department investigators were stalling.

“I think the LAPD is being caught covering up an obvious excessive use of force,” he said.

Cardenas, who was held without bail, faces charges of resisting arrest.

Authorities learned of the video footage when the defense made it public Sept. 14 during Cardenas’ preliminary hearing, police said. The district attorney’s office will decide whether to continue with the case, which is scheduled for trial Nov. 20, said spokeswoman Jane Robison.

© 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

I had an OB appointment. The waiting area was crowded. There were severeal young ladies, and I do mean young like barely 16 young there. They were talking amongst themselves and I heard they were all ACS cases attending an alternative school. Most stated they were run aways. All of them were there for pregnancy tests. It blew my mind! Some found out they were pregnant and it was like someone said the grass was green, no biggie. Some scheduled abortions, and some were undecided. For most this was not the first time they'd been through it, so they were taking it in stride, stoic even. My mind raced with the stories they told one another. Each was more crazy than the other. Some of them had children already, and they were barely 15. I couldn't even imagine what that must have been like. Everytime some would leave, more would come in. It was just sad, sad that this was the life they were leading at 15. I kept thinking they just needed someone, anyone to care enough about them for them to just turn their lives around...

And today I walk into work and walked right smack into drama....

I really hate this place. Hate is such a strong word but I really hate the atmosphere these people have created.